[He manages a soft, stuttered hum in reply, but...clearly isn't fully convinced by that. Or by something, at least. But listening to the detective talk and having him take care of him like that for a little bit at least was able to calm his sobbing down to just silent tears. And after a few moments he reaches out for a tissue of his own, needing to blow his nose again.]
I...don't know what else to do, Saihara-chan. I don't know what to do with myself...
[This is why he's still apologizing, and feels like he needs to even more. Even though Shuichi said it was okay...
Finally he looks up at his friend, rubbing at one of his eyes a little to dry it again as he continues talking.]
I've never...done anything like that before. Something so unforgivable. I can't stand myself anymore, Saihara-chan. I keep...I keep wanting to lie, to tell myself that that wasn't me. It was a clone, or an evil twin, or me from the mirrorverse. Something else. Someone else...that I didn't do anything like that. That I'm not a monster or a villain or anything but...
[Again he glances down towards his lap, a fresh wave of tears spilling down his cheeks.]
I can't. And it hurts so much. I've never, ever felt like this before. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be awake but I just have nightmares about everything when I sleep. Everyone dying, everyone reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and nobody wants me around, that it's all my fault. D.I.C.E. will be so disappointed, they'll feel so betrayed. They won't want me as their leader or even their friend anymore. Everyone else will hate me, and won't want to be around me, if they don't already. I'll have you and Akamatsu-chan but I don't even deserve that. B-but I don't want to be alone, either. I should be alone, I deserve to be, but I'm selfish and I don't want that.
[Taking another tissue, Kokichi draws his knees up to his chest, sniffling and hiccuping as he works on his cheeks and eyes.]
Why am I even here...I don't deserve this. Why couldn't it have been someone else? I'm...I'm sorry it was me. I know you said not to apologize but I don't know what else to do or say or anything so I'm sorry.
no subject
I...don't know what else to do, Saihara-chan. I don't know what to do with myself...
[This is why he's still apologizing, and feels like he needs to even more. Even though Shuichi said it was okay...
Finally he looks up at his friend, rubbing at one of his eyes a little to dry it again as he continues talking.]
I've never...done anything like that before. Something so unforgivable. I can't stand myself anymore, Saihara-chan. I keep...I keep wanting to lie, to tell myself that that wasn't me. It was a clone, or an evil twin, or me from the mirrorverse. Something else. Someone else...that I didn't do anything like that. That I'm not a monster or a villain or anything but...
[Again he glances down towards his lap, a fresh wave of tears spilling down his cheeks.]
I can't. And it hurts so much. I've never, ever felt like this before. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be awake but I just have nightmares about everything when I sleep. Everyone dying, everyone reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and nobody wants me around, that it's all my fault. D.I.C.E. will be so disappointed, they'll feel so betrayed. They won't want me as their leader or even their friend anymore. Everyone else will hate me, and won't want to be around me, if they don't already. I'll have you and Akamatsu-chan but I don't even deserve that. B-but I don't want to be alone, either. I should be alone, I deserve to be, but I'm selfish and I don't want that.
[Taking another tissue, Kokichi draws his knees up to his chest, sniffling and hiccuping as he works on his cheeks and eyes.]
Why am I even here...I don't deserve this. Why couldn't it have been someone else? I'm...I'm sorry it was me. I know you said not to apologize but I don't know what else to do or say or anything so I'm sorry.