[He does want to...but he doesn't. He wants to retreat, go back and suffer alone, stop being a burden on Shuichi who probably won't be happy with him for just sneaking in and whom he probably makes uncomfortable with his cuddling requests normally, even if they are for a good reason (most of the time)...he wants to leave so it stops hurting so much.
But he also wants to stay, and enjoy this. Enjoy the way Shuichi's grip tightens just a little more, just enough to make him feel safe and secure, and the way his chest gently rises and falls against him now that makes it even easier to match his own breathing with it, even with all of the hitches in it that come with his tears. How warm it is, how it smells like Shuichi, all of these tiny reminders that he's not alone right now, even if he deserves to be like the detective in his dream continues to reminds him. He'll always be alone but right now, in this moment, he's not and he can pretend that he never will be again. Even if it's a lie.
So he makes another bad decision and presses even closer to his friend rather than try and escape, body as flush against Shuichi's as possible. His hands grip tight at the detectives shoulders in a silent plea for him to stay turned like this and he inhales deeply once he presses his cheek against him again. Ugh...he fits so perfectly like this. Held in his arms, it's really obvious...sure, the same could probably be said about him and anyone who's taller, but it would never come with this same feeling of belonging he's pretty sure.
Which...doesn't that just suck? Oh well. How many couples out there are perfect anyway? It doesn't matter if Shuichi is the only one that can make him feel this way, he'll surely find someone he can just...settle with. Or maybe just stay single forever, there are plenty of people like that too. Forget his romantics heart, he can lie and pretend better than anyone, so pretending one night stands and simple flings are something more will be enough...eventually. Once he can move past his feelings for this detective and get back on the horse...
He needs to stop thinking. Every time he's sure he's done with this stupid crying, when he thinks his heart has stopped feeling like it's being stabbed and has settled into more of a constantly squeezing a bruise feeling, his mind wanders to some other painful subject. What's wrong with him? Squeezing his eyes shut, he takes a deep breath and holds it before letting it out again in time with one of the detectives exhales. And then he tries to match his breathing again. Calm back down...]
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But he also wants to stay, and enjoy this. Enjoy the way Shuichi's grip tightens just a little more, just enough to make him feel safe and secure, and the way his chest gently rises and falls against him now that makes it even easier to match his own breathing with it, even with all of the hitches in it that come with his tears. How warm it is, how it smells like Shuichi, all of these tiny reminders that he's not alone right now, even if he deserves to be like the detective in his dream continues to reminds him. He'll always be alone but right now, in this moment, he's not and he can pretend that he never will be again. Even if it's a lie.
So he makes another bad decision and presses even closer to his friend rather than try and escape, body as flush against Shuichi's as possible. His hands grip tight at the detectives shoulders in a silent plea for him to stay turned like this and he inhales deeply once he presses his cheek against him again. Ugh...he fits so perfectly like this. Held in his arms, it's really obvious...sure, the same could probably be said about him and anyone who's taller, but it would never come with this same feeling of belonging he's pretty sure.
Which...doesn't that just suck? Oh well. How many couples out there are perfect anyway? It doesn't matter if Shuichi is the only one that can make him feel this way, he'll surely find someone he can just...settle with. Or maybe just stay single forever, there are plenty of people like that too. Forget his romantics heart, he can lie and pretend better than anyone, so pretending one night stands and simple flings are something more will be enough...eventually. Once he can move past his feelings for this detective and get back on the horse...
He needs to stop thinking. Every time he's sure he's done with this stupid crying, when he thinks his heart has stopped feeling like it's being stabbed and has settled into more of a constantly squeezing a bruise feeling, his mind wanders to some other painful subject. What's wrong with him? Squeezing his eyes shut, he takes a deep breath and holds it before letting it out again in time with one of the detectives exhales. And then he tries to match his breathing again. Calm back down...]