[After the whole stupid cupid thing, he's had lots of time to think. Be annoyed with himself for going through with it, thinking that he could stop himself from telling the truth. Be irritated with some of the conversations, delighted by some of the others, but there were two in specific that kept coming to mind. One of them - the one with Mikan - wasn't so bad. It was almost nice, being honest about his feelings for Shuichi, but part of him still regretted it. Still wished he could have kept that to himself.
The other one...was the one with Kaede. And while a small part of him still stands by his words, tells him he shouldn't regret saying any of that because Kaede needs to change, most of him...really hates himself for it. Really wishes he could just shut up for once, stop caring about how he feels in regards to them - Shuichi especially - and keep his nose out of it. He planned to, but it shouldn't have been after making such a mistake like that. He should have done that from the start. He shouldn't have said anything at all, because it's not like he has room to talk. He's worse than her, after all...he's terrible. He's a monster. He didn't just hurt Shuichi, he hurt everyone, but the detective was still part of that. Whether it was worse for him or not is hard to really know...but it didn't matter. He had certainly hurt him far worse than she had.
And he just made himself sick, thinking about it. Admitting it all to her like that, really facing what he did like that, comparing it to her...why do either of them still want to associate with him...
And the more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt. And he didn't deal with guilt well. It's not like he's ever had a reason to feel this guilty before? He's felt bad when his plans got some of his subordinates hurt before, or when he'd said something that had actually hurt their feelings or something, but....those were nothing like this. Nothing like what he'd done in the game. And it was all easily smoothed over. He could actually do things to make it up to them. Take care of them and their wounds, get them stuff that would make them smile, spend time with them to cheer them up...
Things like that...well. He can't even do that with anyone that he'd killed (he'd killed them, not hurt them, killed them), and would any of that even be enough anyway? Would apologies be enough? He doesn't even feel like his apology to Shuichi was adequate enough now. He hadn't even actually apologized for anything! He'd listed off a couple things - the larger things - and then copped out with, "oh I could list the rest if you want"! What the hell was that? What the hell kind of coward is he? Oma Kokichi, Super High School Level Supreme Leader, was no coward, and yet...that's all he gave Shuichi. The boy he supposedly loved so, so much. Who was supposedly so, so dear to him. That's all he gave him for the monstrous, awful things he did.
And here he was now, curled in his cabin for days, ignoring his communicator, ignoring his hunger, ignoring his everything just because he felt awful and was scared to face him. He couldn't even be honest when Shuichi had come to check up on him, and that of course only made him feel worse. Why had he? Surely Kaede talked to him, even if she didn't bring up her nightmares. Why wouldn't she? So he had to have known that he had been mean and heartless to her, that he'd told her about all the terrible things he did in the killing game...he doesn't deserve the detective worrying or caring about him...and he hates that the only thing he can do to try and change that is just. Apologize. All he can give him are words, which don't even mean anything from a liar like him.
But he'll do it anyway, because there's nothing else he can do. He knows sitting there and clawing and chipping away at himself for it won't ever make anything better and, worse, would just soak up more of that worry and care that Shuichi shouldn't be giving him in the first place. So eventually he pulls himself out of bed and showers - the first shower he's had in days - and gets dressed. His stomach's still in knots, so he skips getting anything to eat and just heads over to the detective's cabin.
There's a click of the door unlocking to let the other boy know someone's there, but whoever it is doesn't enter immediately. There's actually a lengthy pause, like maybe they've changed their mind, followed by a soft knock and an even softer voice. Not his volume, but the tone itself.]
Saihara-chan...? Are you home? And...is Akamatsu-chan there...?
2/18; action
The other one...was the one with Kaede. And while a small part of him still stands by his words, tells him he shouldn't regret saying any of that because Kaede needs to change, most of him...really hates himself for it. Really wishes he could just shut up for once, stop caring about how he feels in regards to them - Shuichi especially - and keep his nose out of it. He planned to, but it shouldn't have been after making such a mistake like that. He should have done that from the start. He shouldn't have said anything at all, because it's not like he has room to talk. He's worse than her, after all...he's terrible. He's a monster. He didn't just hurt Shuichi, he hurt everyone, but the detective was still part of that. Whether it was worse for him or not is hard to really know...but it didn't matter. He had certainly hurt him far worse than she had.
And he just made himself sick, thinking about it. Admitting it all to her like that, really facing what he did like that, comparing it to her...why do either of them still want to associate with him...
And the more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt. And he didn't deal with guilt well. It's not like he's ever had a reason to feel this guilty before? He's felt bad when his plans got some of his subordinates hurt before, or when he'd said something that had actually hurt their feelings or something, but....those were nothing like this. Nothing like what he'd done in the game. And it was all easily smoothed over. He could actually do things to make it up to them. Take care of them and their wounds, get them stuff that would make them smile, spend time with them to cheer them up...
Things like that...well. He can't even do that with anyone that he'd killed (he'd killed them, not hurt them, killed them), and would any of that even be enough anyway? Would apologies be enough? He doesn't even feel like his apology to Shuichi was adequate enough now. He hadn't even actually apologized for anything! He'd listed off a couple things - the larger things - and then copped out with, "oh I could list the rest if you want"! What the hell was that? What the hell kind of coward is he? Oma Kokichi, Super High School Level Supreme Leader, was no coward, and yet...that's all he gave Shuichi. The boy he supposedly loved so, so much. Who was supposedly so, so dear to him. That's all he gave him for the monstrous, awful things he did.
And here he was now, curled in his cabin for days, ignoring his communicator, ignoring his hunger, ignoring his everything just because he felt awful and was scared to face him. He couldn't even be honest when Shuichi had come to check up on him, and that of course only made him feel worse. Why had he? Surely Kaede talked to him, even if she didn't bring up her nightmares. Why wouldn't she? So he had to have known that he had been mean and heartless to her, that he'd told her about all the terrible things he did in the killing game...he doesn't deserve the detective worrying or caring about him...and he hates that the only thing he can do to try and change that is just. Apologize. All he can give him are words, which don't even mean anything from a liar like him.
But he'll do it anyway, because there's nothing else he can do. He knows sitting there and clawing and chipping away at himself for it won't ever make anything better and, worse, would just soak up more of that worry and care that Shuichi shouldn't be giving him in the first place. So eventually he pulls himself out of bed and showers - the first shower he's had in days - and gets dressed. His stomach's still in knots, so he skips getting anything to eat and just heads over to the detective's cabin.
There's a click of the door unlocking to let the other boy know someone's there, but whoever it is doesn't enter immediately. There's actually a lengthy pause, like maybe they've changed their mind, followed by a soft knock and an even softer voice. Not his volume, but the tone itself.]
Saihara-chan...? Are you home? And...is Akamatsu-chan there...?