diffidentive | [ic] noctium inbox

[For the most part, Kokichi had been keeping tabs on the local politics. He'd listened to their slogans, their speeches and, as annoying as they were, the campaigners out in the streets. The winner would affect them greatly, it seemed like, with one willing to support them and the other clearly viewing them with disdain or hatred.

Which, honestly, if there were natives being mistreated while complete strangers were living comfortably? He understood why she did. It didn't make the outcome any less bleak for them if she won, but he's always thought it was important to care for everyone you can. And no matter how the race ended, he'd already decided he wanted to try and look into those mistreated gems and see if he could help them.

Though helping them wouldn't be today. Probably not any time soon realistically either, with as much information as he'd need to understand the situation, but today in particular was just a bad day.

He'd been in the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning, washing his hands after doing his business with the political situation on his mind, when his shadow manifested. The nephilim didn't notice it at first, until he heard his own voice from somewhere behind him, laced with venom, mockery and sadistic mirth.]

You want to try and help them? You don't seriously think you're able to do that, do you?

[Whipping around immediately, wings knocking over some of the items on the sink to the floor with a clatter, Kokichi's eyes widened as he came face to face with...himself. Or, at the very least, a version of himself. One before he'd arrived at Ryslig, without the changes he had gone through. Though seeing doesn't really help him process the situation any easier...]

Don't worry about trying to keep up! You're too stupid to figure this out anyway. You failed to save your friends because none of your stupid plans worked, do you really think you could understand this any better? Nishishi!

[Gritting his teeth, he quickly made his way out of the bathroom, all but slamming the door behind him to hopefully trap whatever that was inside. He's not so lucky though, the shadow quickly appearing behind him with a laugh.]

Wow, did you really think that'd work?

[This was just proof right? Proof that they were still in Ryslig, under the effects of the Fog God? What else could this be from?]

Aw, how cute! You're hoping that I'll just go away with the fog! It's not that easy. I'm only telling you the truth, after all. The truth you, yourself, knows better than anyone else. Even if I go away, nothing will ever change the truth. You're a failure! Weak! Too stupid and slow to save anyone! An ugly shadow hanging over DICE! A hypocrite of the worst kind! I mean, in spite of what you said to Akamatsu-chan, you couldn't even resist the temptation of murder--

SHUT UP! [If the slamming door wasn't loud enough to wake up Shuichi, perhaps the angry, almost snarled shout from the hall will. Or maybe it'll be the sound of lightning crackling to life around his boyfriend's body, heated with rage and agony both...]

[Shuichi sleeps like the dead, so...the door does little more than make him grunt softly in his sleep and move slightly. Kokichi yelling "SHUT UP!", on the other hand...]

[He sits bolt upright, drenched in sweat because apparently it's some rule of the multiverse that he and Kokichi have to be interdimensionally kidnapped during extreme weather conditions. This heatwave is only a SLIGHT improvement over the blizzard because at least it's (probably) not going to kill them.]

[Though it has caused Shuichi to request that Kokichi not cuddle with him while he sleeps. Sorry, boyfriend, but he runs hot even WITHOUT the extra body heat. It wouldn't be comfortable for either of you, really. So he's not surprised that he wakes up alone. He is, however, very confused as to why Kokichi would be yelling. It's just the two of them in this apartment.]

[Half awake and dressed only in his boxers, Shuichi stumbles out of the bedroom and into the living room, rubbing one eye as he goes.]

O-Oma-kun? Wh'samatt--

[He goes still and lowers his hand as he notice exactly "wh'samatter".]

[It would appear that it is NOT, in fact, just the two of them in this apartment. Is...is that a shade? No wait...it can't be, it looks way too much like Kokichi...]

Wh...

Edited 2021-08-15 22:54 (UTC)

[The sound of Shuichi's voice has the stiff nephilim turning towards him with wide eyes, the lightning disappearing immediately. He opens his mouth but, before he's able to say anything, the shadow - which doesn't only look too much like him but also sounds exactly like Kokichi - speaks up for him.]

Way to go, Kokichi! You woke you boyfriend up. You know, sleeping through the heat would probably be the best way for him to handle it, unaware of how awful it is. But you just couuuuldn't let him do that, could you? Just haaaaad to yell!

[And just as quickly as his gaze had snapped to the demon, it turns back to the shadow, fangs bared a little with an angry snarl. He...doesn't have a comeback to that. Because that's exactly how he feels...guilty, for waking Shuichi up. But he doesn't stay silent for long though his voice is tense and angry, though it's clear he's trying to soften it for the detective's sake. He's not mad at him, after all.]

Go back to bed Saihara-chan...you don't have to worry about whatever bullshit this is. I'll take care of it.

If you mean running and hiding again like you always do, sure you'll take care if me~ But I'll just follow after you, nishishi! Oh, and holding your hands over your ears won't help either. That childish trick never actually works, you know that.

[Wow. Shuichi already doesn't care for this... shade...shadow...doppelganger...whatever it is. What an asshole!]

[The demon frowns slightly, suddenly completely awake.]

No. [He's not going back to bed and you can't make him! Instead, he moves away from the bedroom door and makes for the couch instead.] I'm glad you yelled and woke me up, Oma-kun. I don't know what that thing is, but...

[He sits down on the couch and pats the cushion next to him, his hardened expression relaxing into a soft smile.]

Why don't you come sit down and tell me what happened?

[Just going to ignore the shadow thing for now. Since interacting with it just seems to egg it on.]

[Sit down and talk...that's probably for the best. As guilty as he feels about-]

Now you've really done it! He's not going to get any sleep, all because of you~

[...it is reassuring that the demon wants to help him.]

You're not going to be honest though. You know you aren't. You're going to only give him enough details to get some help and make him feel better! That's what you always do. Gotta keep even Saihara-chan at arms length in the end...is it really because you don't want to burden him with your problems? That sounds so noble for a piece of shit like you, taha!

[For a moment the lighting returns, the sounds of the sparks and pops and shocks louder and more violent than before, but...again it dissipates. Instead of saying anything, he takes a deep breath, turns around, and approaches the couch. But he doesn't sit down, just standing by the couch and looking down at Shuichi.]

....I don't want to hurt you-

Because you can't control yourself when you're angry and frustrated! With all of that lightning...you'll get mad and then ZAP, FSHHHH, dead Saihara-chan! I mean...that's what happened to Iruma-chan, isn't it? You can't trust yourself...who knows who you'll kill next?

[Kokichi clenches his fist, eyes squeezing shut. Why...why this? Why now? Why why why why...why do they still have to be in Ryslig...in the grasp of the Fog God...]

Edited 2021-08-15 23:33 (UTC)

[The more the shadow talks, the more Shuichi's smile fades away. Ah...so that's what this is. That shadow must be the things Kokichi hates about himself. Things he never talks about and would rather ignore or forget...]

[Shuichi knows those kinds of thoughts well. He has plenty of them, himself. In fact, as he stares up at his boyfriend, a shadow of his own seems to be trying to manifest behind him. It looks more like a hazy mist than anything at the moment, void of any real definite shape yet. Probably because Shuichi is so focused on Kokichi that he's not allowing himself to think about his own negative thoughts and feelings.]

[He reaches up and takes one of Kokichi's hands into both of his own. Just going to cup it softly and gently between those big, warm claws.]

You won't hurt me. [He does his best to try and force the smile back into place, but it's probably not as effective this time. Not when it's tinged with sadness the way it is now.] I trust you.

[There is, of course, no resistance from Kokichi when he takes his hand. Though he might notice there isn't the same rush of feelings that hand holding has given them before since arriving here. This time it just...feels like normal. Feels like it logically should. But the fist uncurls in Shuichi's palm, a little hand now just resting there, letting the demon do with it as he pleases.

The shadow has no plans on leaving either of them alone though, no matter how touching this moment is. He's still very much there and still has so many things to say. So many dark thoughts to express. He leans in around Shuichi and you can just hear the wicked smile in his voice.]

You shouldn't trust me...I don't even know who I am~ I don't know if I'll hurt you or not, y'know? Because I want to believe I'm the kind of person that wouldn't, but deeeeeeeeep down inside I know I'm the kind of person I despise the most! A violent, selfish, terrible murderer who resorts to killing when things aren't going my way...too bad killing myself will neeeeeever make up for it, no matter how many times I try! That's the truth of this situation...

[And the more the shadow talks, the more Kokichi seems to wilt. Expression tired and melancholy, posture sagging almost with his head hanging low, eyes focusing on anything but his boyfriend. Ears and wings hanging low as well...halo with barely any glow to it....]

Edited 2021-08-16 19:05 (UTC)

[Shuichi gives Kokichi's hand a little tug, attempting to pull him down onto the couch with him. He asked you to sit down, and you still have not done that! He needs to fix that before anything else.]

[As for the shadow...still just cold shouldering the hell out of him. Lalala, he can't hear you!]

[The tug is all it takes for him to sit down next to Shuichi. Though he still doesn't look at the demon, ashamed of everything his shadow is saying. Because...]

It's all true you know!
[It's all true, isn't it?]

And what's worse, now you want to comfort me when I don't even deserve it~! A murderer like me will never deserve kindness like this! It'd be better if I just died again, permanently, so no one would have to waste their time on me.

[There we go, that's better. Once Kokichi is seated comfortably, Shuichi wraps his arms around him and pulls him in close. He tries to get the nephilim to rest his head against his shoulder, and if he complies, Shuichi will rest his jaw and cheek on top of the smaller boy's head.]

Oma-kun...do you really think all of these things about yourself?

[Let's just clear that up first. He'd like to be 100% clear on what exactly this shadow thing (that he is still very pointedly ignoring) is before they go any further.]

[Again there's no resistance, a hand even reaching up as if to grip the fabric of a shirt, but...ultimately he just ends up curling his fist a little against Shuichi's chest. No shirt means nothing to grasp on to, but boy he tried. He leans his head against the demon's shoulder as asked, and when Shuichi asks if he really thinks these things...there's a heavy pause before he turns his face a little to hide it in his neck.

A classic "yes but I don't want to admit it" response from him. Yes...yes he does. Those and more, which you'll figure out soon enough.]

Edited 2021-08-17 00:11 (UTC)

[He's sorry for the lack of shirt, but it's just too dang hot for that. If the temperature keeps rising the way it has been these past few days, he's eventually going to be tempted to lose the underwear also. And only time will tell if his modesty is strong enough to resist that temptation.]

[But that's not the issue right now. In fact Shuichi is doing his best to ignore the heat and pulls Kokichi even closer in response to the leader's not-response. Sorry he's sweaty and gross. Hopefully his hugs are a comfort in spite of that fact.]

It's not true, Kokichi...you do deserve comfort. [His voice is softer and quieter than usual as he says it, just slightly louder than a whisper.] And giving you the kindness and comfort that you deserve could never be a waste of my time. Others may think that, you may think that yourself, but...I don't.

[He gives the nephilim another little squeeze.]

Remember what I told you a year ago now? You have me. We promised to be there for each other, no matter what, didn't we? That's still true...

[He's never minded when the demon was sweaty, and he doesn't mind it now. All he cares about is how comforting being held feels...his ears perk up a little as he listens to Shuichi talk, and of course he remembers that...remembers those comforting words, their promise...how could he forget?]

But you deserve better, Saihara-chan. [This is said with a more serious tone than the shadow had been using up to that point.] You deserve someone worth your time! Not someone who everyone hates. No matter what, I'll never change...so everyone will always hate me. You deserve to be with someone likeable, who isn't going to make your friends question your choice. Momota-chan and Harukawa-chan will never accept this...they'll ask what's wrong with you, and tell you to break up with me...and you should. You should realize this is a mistake and leave now.

[The more the shadow talks, the closer Kokichi pulls himself to Shuichi, practically clinging to him by the end. It's true...it's all true. Shuichi should leave him before Kaito or Maki show up...before he has to try and explain anything to them, or put up with their ridicule and disbelief...he should be with someone better.]

[Shuichi allows the nephilim to cling as hard and as close as he wants, keeping a firm grip on him throughout the entirety of the shadow's speech. with the side of his thumb, he rubs gentle little circles into the spot between his wings, hoping that Kokichi will at least take some comfort from the gesture.]

[But perhaps what will comfort him more are the feelings he can sense through the synchrony bond. It's love, pure and simply. Unwavering love, completely unaffected by any of the nasty things Kokichi's doppelganger is spitting out.]

......

[Shuichi doesn't immediately start talking once shadow Kokichi finishes. There's several seconds of silent stillness before the demon even reacts at all. He turns his head so that he can press a soft kiss to the crown of Kokichi's head.]

Loving you isn't a mistake. [It's the closest Shuichi has come to outright saying "I love you" since he and Kokichi started dating.] You've been by my side for a whole year now, Oma-kun...a year of absolute hell, I might add. I...wouldn't have survived Ryslig without you. If I had been there alone...I think I would have broken completely the f-first time I had to feed. I-If not before that.

[Kokichi will no doubt feel a small, wet splash on the top of his head but don't mind that. It's nothing. Shuichi's not tearing up a little bit. Ignore that little sniffle. Ignore the slight quaver to his voice.]

I can't think of anyone more "worth my time" than you, Oma-kun. And if... [The demon pauses, swallowing thickly before continuing in an even softer voice.] if other people can't understand that, then...th-they're the ones who are wrong.

[Even if those "other people" are very close friends.]

The s-same goes for the people who won't take the time to get to know you...to see that there's p-plenty about Oma Kokichi that's likeable, and even loveable.

Edited 2021-08-22 22:41 (UTC)

[Hey, he'll ignore any tiny splashes from you if you ignore any tiny splashes from him on your chest or shoulder. It's a combination of things that are causing him to cry...but it's mostly how overwhelming Shuichi's statement combined with what he's feeling through their bond is...he's never really questioned whether or not the demon loves him. Every time he had possessed him as a shade he could feel it. Those words that, for one reason or another, the detective could never bring himself to say. And he never wanted to push him to say them, either. He would, in his own time... At the same time though, deep down...he couldn't help but wonder why Shuichi couldn't say them.

How the feelings they shared during those moments could be so strong, but he could never return the sentiment vocally when he'd told him he loved him. Was he questioning it? Second guessing himself? Did he still distrust Kokichi? Question how honest his confessions of love were? Was there a part of him that didn't want to be with him, like he was so afraid of? A part of him that didn't like Kokichi, couldn't help but wish he'd change...that he'd stop lying, stop causing trouble, stop being himself...was that why he couldn't say it?

But...hearing Shuichi call it "loving" him...saying there's plenty about him that's likeable, and even "loveable"...

He hadn't realized...just how important hearing that word from Shuichi was to him until now.]

S-Saihara-chan...

[It was none of those things, Kokichi. The reason Shuichi has never been able to say "I love you" has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. It has everything to do with how Shuichi was never really sure if his own feelings were actually love or not. It's a very strong, serious word, you know! It's not a word that one should just throw around. It's not something that should be said unless you absolutely mean it...]

[And with how much Shuichi had to muddle through his own feelings on whether or not he even liked Kokichi romantically...he couldn't know if he really meant it or not. Feelings are hard. Words to convey feelings are even harder, turns out.]

[Honestly, it always floored him that Kokichi knew that he loved him so early on...that he was able to say "I love you" so quickly and easily. And that he 100% meant it.]

[The demon gives Kokichi a little squeeze, lifting his head and one hand to wipe at his eyes a little.]

I love you, Oma-kun. Even if you don't always love yourself. [You can say the same about him, right?] And I'm glad that you're here with me and not dead...I'm happy that I have you in my life. No matter what.

[It's...not really enough to quiet his fears about Shuichi's friends. Nor can it keep him from feeling like he doesn't deserve to live, and that he can never make up for what he did. But that's okay. It's not like those kinds of things can be fixed overnight.

Hearing "I love you" does, however, make him so happy...everything that Shuichi's said does, and while the synchrony was a little dulled by Kokichi's unwillingness to share the emotions he was going through before, it shines through perfectly again now, letting the demon feel just how overwhelmed the poor nephilim is. He's still no better with emotions than he ever has been, and it's a confusing wave of joy, sorrow, guilt, comfort and love that he'll be able to feel from Kokichi as the leader pulls himself as close as he's able to to Shuichi with a choked sob. A wave that effectively shuts his shadow up, the dark figure still there but silent. How long will that last? Who knows. But it's enough that it's quiet for now...]

[It's okay, Shuichi isn't expecting to fix those things overnight. Or even in a day. Or a week. Or a month. Honestly, he's not sure he'll ever be able to make those feelings go away. He's not sure anybody can, other than Kokichi himself.]

[But he can at least be there to make those feelings more bearable.]

There, there...it's okay.

[He nuzzles his cheek against the top of Kokichi's head, continuing to rub little circles between his wings. Let it out, let it all out.]

[Let it all out he does, and Shuichi gets to feel the wild roller coaster of feelings he goes through while doing it. It's like he's choosing now to feel all of his feelings, which...is actually pretty accurate. When you do your best to completely suppress your feelings 24/7, once you let them out they kind of all come out together in a tangled mess.

But eventually it settles into a calm, tired apathy, his tears slowing and stopping along with those feelings of his. Even though both have calmed down now though, he does nothing to move, nor does he say anything. He's going to stay right here, okay? Okay.]

[Okay. He can stay right there. Shuichi isn't going to complain or try to move him. Especially not after an emotional ride like that.]

[For a while, he's content to say nothing, actually. He just continues to snuggle with the smaller boy on the couch. But eventually, he pipes up:]

Are you feeling a little better now?

[While there's a little nod in response saying yes, he is feeling a little better, Kokichi also tightens his hold on Shuichi a little at the same time.

He's feeling better, but don't let him go yet...]

[Fortunately, Shuichi wasn't asking that so that he could get up. That was not the plan. And he gives the nephilim a reassuring little squeeze to prove it. He's not going anywhere and he's not letting you go!]

[At least, not exactly.]

Do you want to go lay down on the bed instead? [There's more room on the bed and also if they're both lying down, they can get some serious snuggling going on, instead of just sitting side by side on the couch.] I can carry you, if you want.

[Gotta love that emerald super strength.]

Or we can stay here on the couch, it's your choice, Oma-kun.

[Kokichi doesn't reply immediately, but after a moment he pulls back and glances up at him a little from under his bangs. He wants to tease him, but also still wants to hide his red, puffy eyes.]

...Saihara-chan thinks he can carry me, huh?

[After so long of not being able to even lift him really???]

I was the one who rearranged all the furniture when we got here, wasn't I?

[Shuichi giggles slightly, relieved to see that Kokichi is back up to teasing him. That's good, that's a very good sign.]

And I'm pretty sure even that end table weighs more than you do.

[It doesn't. It definitely doesn't. Some of the other furniture? Totally. But not an end table. Kokichi is light but he's not that light.]

So is that a yes?

Action; August 13th; so so many V3 spoilers

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