[This is a lot harder to admit to than he thought, because he knows it was stupid. He knows it was a stupid decision, and knew it even at the time of making it and going through with it. So there's silence on his end, but eventually he unfurls to wrap his free hand around his knees, hugging those to his chest. He keeps the one around Shuichi's though, still squeezing it tight, before finally looking up at the detective.]
I...had a chance to get my gore square out of the way and...took it. It was in the VR, so no actual damage was done, but...
[Chest tightening and face paling again, he takes a breath to try and calm himself down, the memory still extremely unpleasant.]
But...I...had. H-had my limbs chopped off...in a game. A killing game. If I hadn't guessed the right word, it would have killed me. [He laughs, though it's uncomfortable and broken sounding.] It had an audience and everything...I thought it wouldn't be so bad, since it was just me! It's not like I had to kill anyone else, or anyone else's life was even in danger. Aha...did you know things hurt just as bad in the VR? It's really realistic! They aren't kidding with that! Oh but it's nothing like...Iruma-chan's VR. You don't die from the shock. You get to live through the whole thing and remember it afterward~ Great, right?
[It's very clearly not great, and he doesn't actually think it is. He really doesn't.]
[The color drains from Shuichi's face and his grip goes slack in Kokichi's hand. Now it's his turn to look faintly ill, as well as absolutely horrified. Everything the smaller boy just said is disturbing, but it's something he didn't say that sticks out most to Shuichi. Something that just makes the confession infinitely more horrible.]
[If Kokichi didn't know that, technically, all you needed was arousal for a square to count...]
Oma-kun-- [His voice is faint and though mostly piteous, there's a faint edge of incredulity to it. Because as bad as he feels for Kokichi, as terrible as what he went through clearly was...he agreed to it.] That's... Y-- Wh-why would--
[He's not entirely sure what to say to this. How could Kokichi do something so stupid? Even if he's reckless, he's smarter than this, Shuichi knows he is. But pointing that out would surely only make him feel worse and Shuichi just doesn't have the heart to do that.]
[Kokichi takes his hand back, burying his face in both of them.]
I know-- [He knows what Shuichi's trying to say. The boy doesn't have to finish anything he tried to say, or even point out what he doesn't have the heart to, because it's something he's been beating himself up over already.]
This is why I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to tell you about anything, because everything is stupid and embarrassing and all my fault. I just wanted to get it out of the way, like ripping off a band-aid, I didn't want to sit here and keep dreading it, and there's no way I could do something like that to someone else so I thought--
[He had to take this chance. How many people would actually want to or be willing to do that? Even if it was horrible, even if it was reckless...but it doesn't really matter what he thought. It's already done, and now he's paying the price for it.
He shakes his head with a little whimper.]
I don't want to play anymore. If I do it with people I don't like, I feel gross and it hurts, but even when I do it with people I do like I just feel horrible and guilty and lonely afterward.
[Not just talking about Kaede here, either. Doing it with anyone when they aren't the person you love is incredibly lonely...]
[It makes sense, in a horrifying way. Shuichi isn't sure what to think of the fact that he can actually follow Kokichi's logic here. But it's...even if it makes sense, he thought for sure...]
[He thought for sure that Kokichi had more sense than this. Even knowing that Kokichi had some truly terrible things on his card (though not nearly as many as he wanted them to believe), he hadn't been too worried about him. Because surely, surely, he would take a reasonable approach. Focus on ones that weren't so terrible until he could find someone he could trust enough to do some of the more hardcore ones with. Something along those lines.]
[It's heartbreaking, seeing him like this. This game was supposed to be better than the killing game. And yet...it seems to have broken him even worse. But maybe that makes sense too. Even if this game seems kinder on the surface, easier and more pleasant...in some ways, it's just as cruel as a game where you have to kill your friends to survive.]
[He doesn't try and take Kokichi's hand again. He's not sure if the leader would like that, given how he just pulled it away. But his voice is gentle when he speaks, soothing and reassuring without a hint of judgement. He still thinks this was incredibly stupid on Kokichi's part, but...everyone makes mistakes and this is clearly one Kokichi won't be making again.]
We were never sure if we could go back anyway, so...you were playing because you needed to support yourself, right? [Instinctively, he moves to try and take Kokichi's hand before remembering that he's not supposed to be doing that. He stops.] I'll do that for you, from now on. So you don't have to play anymore, okay? Not until you find someone who makes it fun and enjoyable for you.
[He's lucky enough to have someone he loves to play the game with. The only thing holding him back is his own embarrassment and he's already improving in that area. So this game is easy, for him. Easy and enjoyable.]
[ Plus, Kokichi was the one who helped him see the game in a different light, the one who encouraged him to pursue Kaede...the least he can do is support him for a while, right? That's what friends do.]
[He only pulled his hand away to hide his face, so if Shuichi wanted to take it he wouldn't complain. But he doesn't, and that's fine too. What he says though...that's both equal parts reassuring and painful to hear. Reassuring moreso, however, and he uncurls and just stares at the detective with surprise. An offer like that...]
Saihara-chan...thank you.
[He's incredibly grateful, and it's obvious in his voice. But after a moment, that last part hits him again, and he glances away with a shake of his head.]
I...it can only be for a little while, though. Not to be disrespectful or ungrateful, but...finding someone like that is impossible for me. So I won't make you support me forever. Just long enough so that I can learn how to deal with this on my own. But please...please give me that opportunity.
[A bittersweet smile plays around the corners of Shuichi's mouth. Something like that is impossible for him, huh? Okay, well he doesn't buy that at all, but...]
You know what Momota-kun would say if he heard you say that, right?
[The impossible is possible! All you gotta do is make it so!]
[But Shuichi isn't Kaito, so he's not going to actually say it and open up that discussion. If he were talking to Maki, sure, but Kaito and Kokichi always had something of a...rocky relationship. But he'll mention it, just so Kokichi will maybe start thinking about it. So maybe he'll hear Kaito's voice the next time he thinks about how impossible it is for him to find love.]
[Because this may just be a situation where Kaito's crazy, nonsensical mantra actually works. Love is a weird and surprising thing. Anything is possible, with love.]
But take as long as you need, alright? Don't rush yourself on my behalf, it's not like I'm going anywhere.
[Or, more importantly, it's not like his situation as far as easily being able to fill squares is going to change any time soon. Unless Kaede decides to break up with him or something but he's pretty sure that won't happen at any point in the foreseeable future.]
[But reminding Kokichi of that would be extremely tactless, so he opts not to mention it.]
And if there's anything else I can do to help... Um. Well, you don't have to tell me, but... [He gestures vaguely. He clearly has something in mind, it's just not really translating from thought to words. He knows what he wants to say as a concept, not what he wants to say as an actual statement.] Do...whatever you need to do?
[Hopefully Kokichi will understand what he's trying to get at. If there's anything he can do to help, let him know without actually letting him know. If spending time talking will help, go for it. If you want to play a game with him, go for it. Stuff like that.]
[He doesn't look convinced at all. Even if he's more inclined to listen to Kaito now, a little bit, since his opinion of the boy has changed after what they went through together...this situation is still impossible. Abysmally so, even. But he's Shuichi's best friend, so he's not going to actually say anything. Plus, he doesn't want to actually discuss it either, since...that person is kind of the detective himself.
He doesn't want the other boy cornering him into a confession...
So he just offer him a short, somewhat dismissive hum in reply, focusing instead on what he says next.]
[But hey, since all of that icky crap is out in the open and done and over with, it means he can try and lighten the mood, right? To move past it, so he doesn't have to think about any of it?]
Does that include getting me a soda if I ask~? Oh, what about taking a bath with me~ The public baths are really great, y'know? Have you tried them yet? I'll loan you my rubber ducky!
[He sure thinks that's what it means, falling back onto teasing the poor detective with a broad, though still tired grin.]
What if I ask you to be my getaway driver in a grand heist! Will you do that too?
[If that's what he wants to do, Shuichi isn't going to stop him. Lord knows, he sucks at lightening the mood himself. And somebody needs to do it, so...]
Uhm...well I can't drive, [Outside of a taxi in his mind, that is.] but...I can get you a soda or go to the baths with you, sure.
Well I guess they have self driving cars anyway. Oh, you could always take a bullet for me instead as my loyal bodyguard~! Every Supreme Leader needs one!
[But that, of course, is a joke.]
If we go to the baths, I'll make sure to think up some really fun games to play together! Oo, oo, wanna go now maybe? After a gross conversation like that, a hot bath or shower is just what a person needs, and I haven't showered yet today~
Mmm...not right this second. There's still something I need to go look into, and you... [He gives him a slightly apologetic look.] there's another potentially gross conversation you need to have today.
[You know the one. Though, surely, it can't be as gross as this one was. He's pretty sure he and Kaede are on two different friendship levels as far as Kokichi is concerned. Either way, better to get all t he gross out of the way first, right?]
Ah...do I have to? Won't it be awkward though? I mean...she's your girlfriend, I'm more into guys, I promised I would avoid topics like this with her...
[Yeah, it's obvious he knows he needs to talk to her, but he really doesn't want to...]
Yes, you have to. [Point blank.] It's because it's uncomfortable that you have to. You can't both just apologize to me and then not say anything to each other. If you do that, things will just stay awkward and uncomfortable.
You both need to address it and move on, however many or few words it takes for you to accomplish that. [See, it doesn't have to be some big long, drawn-out, overly emotional thing.]
Plus...do you really think Akamatsu-san can just pretend nothing happened and act like everything is still the same?
[She's terrible at lying, Kokichi. You know this. Terrible at it and hates doing it. A bad combination. And pretending like this never happened is pretty much a lie, isn't it?]
[He sighs, arms crossing over his chest a little.]
Fine...but if I don't like how it goes, then you owe me.
[It's not just the potential of it becoming some long, drawn-out, overly emotional thing. They always tend to argue when they talk...and he's just too tired for that. But he knows Shuichi really won't let him get out of it, and he knows that he really does have to, so...
He pushes himself up off the couch with some effort, stretching his arms over his head.]
I'm gonna go clean up a little first though.
[Brush his hair and teeth, put on concealer...you know. The fun daily ritual stuff.]
I'll get you two sodas and you can snap me with your towel as many times as you want.
[Okay, well...maybe not those things exactly. He's kind of joking and just playing off of Kokichi's earlier requests. But he's NOT joking about owing him, at least.]
[Shuichi gets to his feet as well, watching Kokichi carefully in case he looks like he's about to fall or something. He can probably catch him? Sort of? Maybe? Okay, no, he's fine. Nothing to worry about.]
[Well, nothing aside from his sleep deprivation in general, anyway. Nothing on TOP of that, at least.]
Good idea. Come to my room once you've done that, okay?
Nishishi~ [Whether he accepts those offers or not, it's clearly cheered him up a little. Maybe that's what he'll have to do! Maybe he'll have to snap you with his towel all day long, huh?
But ah...his room, huh? He wonders if they're just meeting there, or if Kaede is there now. She probably went over there to apologize, and then probably hung back while Shuichi went out...after their talks, those kinds of thoughts just makes his chest ache even worse than before, but he turns his back on the detective and heads towards his bathroom to hide that fact.]
Okay~ I'll try not to keep you waiting too long, but no promises. Doing my hair always takes a bit~
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diffidentive) wrote2017-11-13 11:58 am
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I...had a chance to get my gore square out of the way and...took it. It was in the VR, so no actual damage was done, but...
[Chest tightening and face paling again, he takes a breath to try and calm himself down, the memory still extremely unpleasant.]
But...I...had. H-had my limbs chopped off...in a game. A killing game. If I hadn't guessed the right word, it would have killed me. [He laughs, though it's uncomfortable and broken sounding.] It had an audience and everything...I thought it wouldn't be so bad, since it was just me! It's not like I had to kill anyone else, or anyone else's life was even in danger. Aha...did you know things hurt just as bad in the VR? It's really realistic! They aren't kidding with that! Oh but it's nothing like...Iruma-chan's VR. You don't die from the shock. You get to live through the whole thing and remember it afterward~ Great, right?
[It's very clearly not great, and he doesn't actually think it is. He really doesn't.]
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[If Kokichi didn't know that, technically, all you needed was arousal for a square to count...]
Oma-kun-- [His voice is faint and though mostly piteous, there's a faint edge of incredulity to it. Because as bad as he feels for Kokichi, as terrible as what he went through clearly was...he agreed to it.] That's... Y-- Wh-why would--
[He's not entirely sure what to say to this. How could Kokichi do something so stupid? Even if he's reckless, he's smarter than this, Shuichi knows he is. But pointing that out would surely only make him feel worse and Shuichi just doesn't have the heart to do that.]
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I know-- [He knows what Shuichi's trying to say. The boy doesn't have to finish anything he tried to say, or even point out what he doesn't have the heart to, because it's something he's been beating himself up over already.]
This is why I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to tell you about anything, because everything is stupid and embarrassing and all my fault. I just wanted to get it out of the way, like ripping off a band-aid, I didn't want to sit here and keep dreading it, and there's no way I could do something like that to someone else so I thought--
[He had to take this chance. How many people would actually want to or be willing to do that? Even if it was horrible, even if it was reckless...but it doesn't really matter what he thought. It's already done, and now he's paying the price for it.
He shakes his head with a little whimper.]
I don't want to play anymore. If I do it with people I don't like, I feel gross and it hurts, but even when I do it with people I do like I just feel horrible and guilty and lonely afterward.
[Not just talking about Kaede here, either. Doing it with anyone when they aren't the person you love is incredibly lonely...]
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[He thought for sure that Kokichi had more sense than this. Even knowing that Kokichi had some truly terrible things on his card (though not nearly as many as he wanted them to believe), he hadn't been too worried about him. Because surely, surely, he would take a reasonable approach. Focus on ones that weren't so terrible until he could find someone he could trust enough to do some of the more hardcore ones with. Something along those lines.]
[It's heartbreaking, seeing him like this. This game was supposed to be better than the killing game. And yet...it seems to have broken him even worse. But maybe that makes sense too. Even if this game seems kinder on the surface, easier and more pleasant...in some ways, it's just as cruel as a game where you have to kill your friends to survive.]
[He doesn't try and take Kokichi's hand again. He's not sure if the leader would like that, given how he just pulled it away. But his voice is gentle when he speaks, soothing and reassuring without a hint of judgement. He still thinks this was incredibly stupid on Kokichi's part, but...everyone makes mistakes and this is clearly one Kokichi won't be making again.]
We were never sure if we could go back anyway, so...you were playing because you needed to support yourself, right? [Instinctively, he moves to try and take Kokichi's hand before remembering that he's not supposed to be doing that. He stops.] I'll do that for you, from now on. So you don't have to play anymore, okay? Not until you find someone who makes it fun and enjoyable for you.
[He's lucky enough to have someone he loves to play the game with. The only thing holding him back is his own embarrassment and he's already improving in that area. So this game is easy, for him. Easy and enjoyable.]
[ Plus, Kokichi was the one who helped him see the game in a different light, the one who encouraged him to pursue Kaede...the least he can do is support him for a while, right? That's what friends do.]
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Saihara-chan...thank you.
[He's incredibly grateful, and it's obvious in his voice. But after a moment, that last part hits him again, and he glances away with a shake of his head.]
I...it can only be for a little while, though. Not to be disrespectful or ungrateful, but...finding someone like that is impossible for me. So I won't make you support me forever. Just long enough so that I can learn how to deal with this on my own. But please...please give me that opportunity.
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You know what Momota-kun would say if he heard you say that, right?
[The impossible is possible! All you gotta do is make it so!]
[But Shuichi isn't Kaito, so he's not going to actually say it and open up that discussion. If he were talking to Maki, sure, but Kaito and Kokichi always had something of a...rocky relationship. But he'll mention it, just so Kokichi will maybe start thinking about it. So maybe he'll hear Kaito's voice the next time he thinks about how impossible it is for him to find love.]
[Because this may just be a situation where Kaito's crazy, nonsensical mantra actually works. Love is a weird and surprising thing. Anything is possible, with love.]
But take as long as you need, alright? Don't rush yourself on my behalf, it's not like I'm going anywhere.
[Or, more importantly, it's not like his situation as far as easily being able to fill squares is going to change any time soon. Unless Kaede decides to break up with him or something but he's pretty sure that won't happen at any point in the foreseeable future.]
[But reminding Kokichi of that would be extremely tactless, so he opts not to mention it.]
And if there's anything else I can do to help... Um. Well, you don't have to tell me, but... [He gestures vaguely. He clearly has something in mind, it's just not really translating from thought to words. He knows what he wants to say as a concept, not what he wants to say as an actual statement.] Do...whatever you need to do?
[Hopefully Kokichi will understand what he's trying to get at. If there's anything he can do to help, let him know without actually letting him know. If spending time talking will help, go for it. If you want to play a game with him, go for it. Stuff like that.]
1/2
He doesn't want the other boy cornering him into a confession...
So he just offer him a short, somewhat dismissive hum in reply, focusing instead on what he says next.]
Thanks...again. I will.
[Really, he can't thank you enough...]
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Does that include getting me a soda if I ask~? Oh, what about taking a bath with me~ The public baths are really great, y'know? Have you tried them yet? I'll loan you my rubber ducky!
[He sure thinks that's what it means, falling back onto teasing the poor detective with a broad, though still tired grin.]
What if I ask you to be my getaway driver in a grand heist! Will you do that too?
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Uhm...well I can't drive, [Outside of a taxi in his mind, that is.] but...I can get you a soda or go to the baths with you, sure.
[Easy.]
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[But that, of course, is a joke.]
If we go to the baths, I'll make sure to think up some really fun games to play together! Oo, oo, wanna go now maybe? After a gross conversation like that, a hot bath or shower is just what a person needs, and I haven't showered yet today~
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Mmm...not right this second. There's still something I need to go look into, and you... [He gives him a slightly apologetic look.] there's another potentially gross conversation you need to have today.
[You know the one. Though, surely, it can't be as gross as this one was. He's pretty sure he and Kaede are on two different friendship levels as far as Kokichi is concerned. Either way, better to get all t he gross out of the way first, right?]
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Ah...do I have to? Won't it be awkward though? I mean...she's your girlfriend, I'm more into guys, I promised I would avoid topics like this with her...
[Yeah, it's obvious he knows he needs to talk to her, but he really doesn't want to...]
It'd just be uncomfortable all around, right?
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You both need to address it and move on, however many or few words it takes for you to accomplish that. [See, it doesn't have to be some big long, drawn-out, overly emotional thing.]
Plus...do you really think Akamatsu-san can just pretend nothing happened and act like everything is still the same?
[She's terrible at lying, Kokichi. You know this. Terrible at it and hates doing it. A bad combination. And pretending like this never happened is pretty much a lie, isn't it?]
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Fine...but if I don't like how it goes, then you owe me.
[It's not just the potential of it becoming some long, drawn-out, overly emotional thing. They always tend to argue when they talk...and he's just too tired for that. But he knows Shuichi really won't let him get out of it, and he knows that he really does have to, so...
He pushes himself up off the couch with some effort, stretching his arms over his head.]
I'm gonna go clean up a little first though.
[Brush his hair and teeth, put on concealer...you know. The fun daily ritual stuff.]
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[Okay, well...maybe not those things exactly. He's kind of joking and just playing off of Kokichi's earlier requests. But he's NOT joking about owing him, at least.]
[Shuichi gets to his feet as well, watching Kokichi carefully in case he looks like he's about to fall or something. He can probably catch him? Sort of? Maybe? Okay, no, he's fine. Nothing to worry about.]
[Well, nothing aside from his sleep deprivation in general, anyway. Nothing on TOP of that, at least.]
Good idea. Come to my room once you've done that, okay?
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But ah...his room, huh? He wonders if they're just meeting there, or if Kaede is there now. She probably went over there to apologize, and then probably hung back while Shuichi went out...after their talks, those kinds of thoughts just makes his chest ache even worse than before, but he turns his back on the detective and heads towards his bathroom to hide that fact.]
Okay~ I'll try not to keep you waiting too long, but no promises. Doing my hair always takes a bit~
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Somehow...that doesn't surprisse me. [Or maybe it's a lie. Who knows.] See you in a bit then.
[And with that, he's gone. Take your time, Kokichi. He still has to actually...go. Wake. Kaede up... She kind of fell back asleep after he left...]