[It had been a few days since they'd all met up with one another, giving all of them plenty time to nap and unwind. Kokichi had spent the first two playing his arcade machines non-stop before finally crashing and getting some good sleep. But he had also spent that time thinking, running over the events that happened not only after arriving on the station and meeting up with Shuichi and Kaede, but the ones that happened before his death as well...
He knew he needed to apologize, and he wanted to, but...would it really matter? You're alone and you always will be... Those words weighed heavily on his mind, and made him second guess if he should even try talking to Shuichi. It's not like they had been able to make amends before he died. Hell, he'd only made things worse and worse after that point. Purposefully, of course; it had been part of his plan, and that plan had been important. But he hadn't exactly factored meeting up with the detective in the afterlife as part of that master plan...and sure, he had been pleasant enough when the three of them were talking, but that's just how Shuichi is. He wouldn't have wanted to cause any unnecessary drama right in front of Kaede, and he was polite enough to want to keep any of their friends - or...former friends, in his case - in the loop on what happened in the end...
But...even if Shuichi didn't want to talk to him, he had to at least apologize. So after his good amount of sleep and a shower, he shoots Shuichi a text. Thank god he had something to use as an excuse to see him too.]
Hey Saihara-chan, are you free? No big deal if you aren't, but I've got something I want to give you. I promise it's nothing from the space station so no lube or porn or anything, but it's something I feel you should have, rather than me. Let me know when you're available and I can come drop by and give it to you.
[.........hopefully Shuichi had figured out all the messaging functions on his watch by now...]
[It's ungodly early in the morning when there's a quiet beep at Shuichi's door as Kaede lets herself into his room. She leaves her shoes at the door, but doesn't take off the robe she'd thrown over her pajamas to walk over. For a while, she hovers near the door, uncertain, before finally padding across the room and slipping into bed beside him.
There's only a beat of hesitation before she shifts closer, wrapping her arms around him and burying her nose against him. Her hair is still wet from the shower she'd just taken, and she's shivering very slightly, but hopefully it's not enough to wake him.]
Hey, whenever you're free, would you mind coming over? I'd like to talk, and it's kind of important. I know it's early, sorry. I'll buy you breakfast to make up for it~
[The last line probably takes away from how serious this kind of is, but it's just not like him to leave something as serious as that. Even if...it really was important, and needed to be taken that way. But then again, he was already kind of fearful as to what Shuichi would think or say about what he had to tell him, so maybe it was nervousness adding in that playful line too...
I slept with your girlfriend. The detective was forgiving, but would he be willing to look past that? Especially since...it...seriously sounded like he'd taken her virginity. "Something lots of people have tried to steal, but nobody has"...what else could that be? Surely, even in a fantasy world like that, she'd be in love with Shuichi, so the line about taking her heart couldn't have been the truth. Just playful banter. And he could easily see the two of them taking upwards of a few months to actually do the deed...
What was he even thinking? Why did he do that? After all that talk about how they should be together, how they were perfect for one another, how they needed to play the game with each other...someone point him to the nearest airlock, he feels like he'll want to toss himself out of it by the time this conversation is over.]
[He was quiet as could be as he snuck into Shuichi's cabin, knowing that he's a heavy sleeper but preferring not to risk it anyway. While he's done this numerous times before already - "Of course I can pick the locks here too, it only took a little digging to figure out how. They're electronic, but that doesn't mean they're invincible," had been his lie to explain how the detective found himself waking up to Kokichi lounging on his couch, breakfast for the two of them on the coffee table the first time it had happened - this was more important. It didn't matter if he'd woken up and caught him any of those times.
This time it was different. It was the middle of the night rather than merely the early hours of the morning, and there were still fresh tears refusing to go away prickling at the corners of his eyes and dripping from his chin. He'd asked a few times already to cuddle with his friends before, but he'd never really needed it beyond nightmare prevention. Nights when he slept on his own and had nightmares he'd simply stay awake afterward, focus on something else, deal with it on his own. Sometimes he'd text Kaede but not often.
This was the worst one though...the nightmare that always got him, that he couldn't ever actually tell them about, that was hardest to ignore and forget and distract himself from. That's why he was cracking, giving in and seeking out some form of comfort. Once he was sure Shuichi was still asleep, he clicked the door shut behind and slipped out of his shoes, then made his way over to the other boy's bed. He had to wonder how his friend would react in the morning as he very carefully slipped under the covers. Would he be mad? Upset? It's not like he wasn't allowed to cuddle with him, but he's supposed to ask first, not just sneak in like this...
Maybe he'd get a good chance to tease him out of it. "Oh, you don't remember? How cruel~ We slept together, you know! That's why we're curled up like this~" Then again, maybe not. That might be too painful of a lie to tell. He'd think about it again in the morning, and instead focus on the now. At first he kept some space between them, just laying on his side and watching Shuichi sleep. Watching his chest rise and fall with his easy breathing, trying to slow his own down to match, maybe calm himself down that way...admiring his peaceful expression, and the features of his face. He can look without really being judged like this - aside from heavily judging himself - and so he does, once again trying to distract himself. Maybe try and separate this Shuichi from the one in his dream that always gives him such a cold, hateful and piercing glare...can this gentle person really make such an expression?
Well...of course he can. He already has, towards Kokichi at least. Frowning, he reaches a hand up to rub at his eyes, just willing himself to stop thinking about that. Okay, Plan C for "Forget about that nightmare". He scoots forward, closing the distance between them and hesitantly, carefully curls up against his side. He has to nudge Shuichi's arm out of the way a little, but that doesn't stop him. He's so light, there's no way he could wake him up like this, right? If Kaede can manages to sneak in here to sleep with him - and she must, he's convinced that she does - then he can too, easily. He's tiny and thin and light, Shuichi won't know that he's there. He tucks his cheek against his chest, choosing to ignore the fact that he's still crying and that'll surely get his shirt wet, and brings his hands up. His fingers curl slightly into the fabric of the other boy's nightshirt, rather than wrapping his arms around him like he wants to.]
...h-hey, Saihara-chan, this is okay right? Stay asleep if it is, okay?
[That totally counts as permission. If it really bothered him, he would wake up! It's not like he's the familiar body and weight that Shuichi would be used to, so he'd definitely wake up if he cared...]
[After the whole stupid cupid thing, he's had lots of time to think. Be annoyed with himself for going through with it, thinking that he could stop himself from telling the truth. Be irritated with some of the conversations, delighted by some of the others, but there were two in specific that kept coming to mind. One of them - the one with Mikan - wasn't so bad. It was almost nice, being honest about his feelings for Shuichi, but part of him still regretted it. Still wished he could have kept that to himself.
The other one...was the one with Kaede. And while a small part of him still stands by his words, tells him he shouldn't regret saying any of that because Kaede needs to change, most of him...really hates himself for it. Really wishes he could just shut up for once, stop caring about how he feels in regards to them - Shuichi especially - and keep his nose out of it. He planned to, but it shouldn't have been after making such a mistake like that. He should have done that from the start. He shouldn't have said anything at all, because it's not like he has room to talk. He's worse than her, after all...he's terrible. He's a monster. He didn't just hurt Shuichi, he hurt everyone, but the detective was still part of that. Whether it was worse for him or not is hard to really know...but it didn't matter. He had certainly hurt him far worse than she had.
And he just made himself sick, thinking about it. Admitting it all to her like that, really facing what he did like that, comparing it to her...why do either of them still want to associate with him...
And the more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt. And he didn't deal with guilt well. It's not like he's ever had a reason to feel this guilty before? He's felt bad when his plans got some of his subordinates hurt before, or when he'd said something that had actually hurt their feelings or something, but....those were nothing like this. Nothing like what he'd done in the game. And it was all easily smoothed over. He could actually do things to make it up to them. Take care of them and their wounds, get them stuff that would make them smile, spend time with them to cheer them up...
Things like that...well. He can't even do that with anyone that he'd killed (he'd killed them, not hurt them, killed them), and would any of that even be enough anyway? Would apologies be enough? He doesn't even feel like his apology to Shuichi was adequate enough now. He hadn't even actually apologized for anything! He'd listed off a couple things - the larger things - and then copped out with, "oh I could list the rest if you want"! What the hell was that? What the hell kind of coward is he? Oma Kokichi, Super High School Level Supreme Leader, was no coward, and yet...that's all he gave Shuichi. The boy he supposedly loved so, so much. Who was supposedly so, so dear to him. That's all he gave him for the monstrous, awful things he did.
And here he was now, curled in his cabin for days, ignoring his communicator, ignoring his hunger, ignoring his everything just because he felt awful and was scared to face him. He couldn't even be honest when Shuichi had come to check up on him, and that of course only made him feel worse. Why had he? Surely Kaede talked to him, even if she didn't bring up her nightmares. Why wouldn't she? So he had to have known that he had been mean and heartless to her, that he'd told her about all the terrible things he did in the killing game...he doesn't deserve the detective worrying or caring about him...and he hates that the only thing he can do to try and change that is just. Apologize. All he can give him are words, which don't even mean anything from a liar like him.
But he'll do it anyway, because there's nothing else he can do. He knows sitting there and clawing and chipping away at himself for it won't ever make anything better and, worse, would just soak up more of that worry and care that Shuichi shouldn't be giving him in the first place. So eventually he pulls himself out of bed and showers - the first shower he's had in days - and gets dressed. His stomach's still in knots, so he skips getting anything to eat and just heads over to the detective's cabin.
There's a click of the door unlocking to let the other boy know someone's there, but whoever it is doesn't enter immediately. There's actually a lengthy pause, like maybe they've changed their mind, followed by a soft knock and an even softer voice. Not his volume, but the tone itself.]
Saihara-chan...? Are you home? And...is Akamatsu-chan there...?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
diffidentive) wrote2017-11-13 11:58 am
Text; 11/18 v3 spoilers
He knew he needed to apologize, and he wanted to, but...would it really matter? You're alone and you always will be... Those words weighed heavily on his mind, and made him second guess if he should even try talking to Shuichi. It's not like they had been able to make amends before he died. Hell, he'd only made things worse and worse after that point. Purposefully, of course; it had been part of his plan, and that plan had been important. But he hadn't exactly factored meeting up with the detective in the afterlife as part of that master plan...and sure, he had been pleasant enough when the three of them were talking, but that's just how Shuichi is. He wouldn't have wanted to cause any unnecessary drama right in front of Kaede, and he was polite enough to want to keep any of their friends - or...former friends, in his case - in the loop on what happened in the end...
But...even if Shuichi didn't want to talk to him, he had to at least apologize. So after his good amount of sleep and a shower, he shoots Shuichi a text. Thank god he had something to use as an excuse to see him too.]
Hey Saihara-chan, are you free?
No big deal if you aren't, but I've got something I want to give you.
I promise it's nothing from the space station so no lube or porn or anything, but it's something I feel you should have, rather than me.
Let me know when you're available and I can come drop by and give it to you.
[.........hopefully Shuichi had figured out all the messaging functions on his watch by now...]
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before the end of the december event, morning
There's only a beat of hesitation before she shifts closer, wrapping her arms around him and burying her nose against him. Her hair is still wet from the shower she'd just taken, and she's shivering very slightly, but hopefully it's not enough to wake him.]
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sometime during Kaede's before the december event end thread; text
I'd like to talk, and it's kind of important.
I know it's early, sorry.
I'll buy you breakfast to make up for it~
[The last line probably takes away from how serious this kind of is, but it's just not like him to leave something as serious as that. Even if...it really was important, and needed to be taken that way. But then again, he was already kind of fearful as to what Shuichi would think or say about what he had to tell him, so maybe it was nervousness adding in that playful line too...
I slept with your girlfriend. The detective was forgiving, but would he be willing to look past that? Especially since...it...seriously sounded like he'd taken her virginity. "Something lots of people have tried to steal, but nobody has"...what else could that be? Surely, even in a fantasy world like that, she'd be in love with Shuichi, so the line about taking her heart couldn't have been the truth. Just playful banter. And he could easily see the two of them taking upwards of a few months to actually do the deed...
What was he even thinking? Why did he do that? After all that talk about how they should be together, how they were perfect for one another, how they needed to play the game with each other...someone point him to the nearest airlock, he feels like he'll want to toss himself out of it by the time this conversation is over.]
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2/4; Action
This time it was different. It was the middle of the night rather than merely the early hours of the morning, and there were still fresh tears refusing to go away prickling at the corners of his eyes and dripping from his chin. He'd asked a few times already to cuddle with his friends before, but he'd never really needed it beyond nightmare prevention. Nights when he slept on his own and had nightmares he'd simply stay awake afterward, focus on something else, deal with it on his own. Sometimes he'd text Kaede but not often.
This was the worst one though...the nightmare that always got him, that he couldn't ever actually tell them about, that was hardest to ignore and forget and distract himself from. That's why he was cracking, giving in and seeking out some form of comfort. Once he was sure Shuichi was still asleep, he clicked the door shut behind and slipped out of his shoes, then made his way over to the other boy's bed. He had to wonder how his friend would react in the morning as he very carefully slipped under the covers. Would he be mad? Upset? It's not like he wasn't allowed to cuddle with him, but he's supposed to ask first, not just sneak in like this...
Maybe he'd get a good chance to tease him out of it. "Oh, you don't remember? How cruel~ We slept together, you know! That's why we're curled up like this~" Then again, maybe not. That might be too painful of a lie to tell. He'd think about it again in the morning, and instead focus on the now. At first he kept some space between them, just laying on his side and watching Shuichi sleep. Watching his chest rise and fall with his easy breathing, trying to slow his own down to match, maybe calm himself down that way...admiring his peaceful expression, and the features of his face. He can look without really being judged like this - aside from heavily judging himself - and so he does, once again trying to distract himself. Maybe try and separate this Shuichi from the one in his dream that always gives him such a cold, hateful and piercing glare...can this gentle person really make such an expression?
Well...of course he can. He already has, towards Kokichi at least. Frowning, he reaches a hand up to rub at his eyes, just willing himself to stop thinking about that. Okay, Plan C for "Forget about that nightmare". He scoots forward, closing the distance between them and hesitantly, carefully curls up against his side. He has to nudge Shuichi's arm out of the way a little, but that doesn't stop him. He's so light, there's no way he could wake him up like this, right? If Kaede can manages to sneak in here to sleep with him - and she must, he's convinced that she does - then he can too, easily. He's tiny and thin and light, Shuichi won't know that he's there. He tucks his cheek against his chest, choosing to ignore the fact that he's still crying and that'll surely get his shirt wet, and brings his hands up. His fingers curl slightly into the fabric of the other boy's nightshirt, rather than wrapping his arms around him like he wants to.]
...h-hey, Saihara-chan, this is okay right? Stay asleep if it is, okay?
[That totally counts as permission. If it really bothered him, he would wake up! It's not like he's the familiar body and weight that Shuichi would be used to, so he'd definitely wake up if he cared...]
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done
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2/15, after the stpuid cpuid 1/???
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2/18; action
The other one...was the one with Kaede. And while a small part of him still stands by his words, tells him he shouldn't regret saying any of that because Kaede needs to change, most of him...really hates himself for it. Really wishes he could just shut up for once, stop caring about how he feels in regards to them - Shuichi especially - and keep his nose out of it. He planned to, but it shouldn't have been after making such a mistake like that. He should have done that from the start. He shouldn't have said anything at all, because it's not like he has room to talk. He's worse than her, after all...he's terrible. He's a monster. He didn't just hurt Shuichi, he hurt everyone, but the detective was still part of that. Whether it was worse for him or not is hard to really know...but it didn't matter. He had certainly hurt him far worse than she had.
And he just made himself sick, thinking about it. Admitting it all to her like that, really facing what he did like that, comparing it to her...why do either of them still want to associate with him...
And the more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt. And he didn't deal with guilt well. It's not like he's ever had a reason to feel this guilty before? He's felt bad when his plans got some of his subordinates hurt before, or when he'd said something that had actually hurt their feelings or something, but....those were nothing like this. Nothing like what he'd done in the game. And it was all easily smoothed over. He could actually do things to make it up to them. Take care of them and their wounds, get them stuff that would make them smile, spend time with them to cheer them up...
Things like that...well. He can't even do that with anyone that he'd killed (he'd killed them, not hurt them, killed them), and would any of that even be enough anyway? Would apologies be enough? He doesn't even feel like his apology to Shuichi was adequate enough now. He hadn't even actually apologized for anything! He'd listed off a couple things - the larger things - and then copped out with, "oh I could list the rest if you want"! What the hell was that? What the hell kind of coward is he? Oma Kokichi, Super High School Level Supreme Leader, was no coward, and yet...that's all he gave Shuichi. The boy he supposedly loved so, so much. Who was supposedly so, so dear to him. That's all he gave him for the monstrous, awful things he did.
And here he was now, curled in his cabin for days, ignoring his communicator, ignoring his hunger, ignoring his everything just because he felt awful and was scared to face him. He couldn't even be honest when Shuichi had come to check up on him, and that of course only made him feel worse. Why had he? Surely Kaede talked to him, even if she didn't bring up her nightmares. Why wouldn't she? So he had to have known that he had been mean and heartless to her, that he'd told her about all the terrible things he did in the killing game...he doesn't deserve the detective worrying or caring about him...and he hates that the only thing he can do to try and change that is just. Apologize. All he can give him are words, which don't even mean anything from a liar like him.
But he'll do it anyway, because there's nothing else he can do. He knows sitting there and clawing and chipping away at himself for it won't ever make anything better and, worse, would just soak up more of that worry and care that Shuichi shouldn't be giving him in the first place. So eventually he pulls himself out of bed and showers - the first shower he's had in days - and gets dressed. His stomach's still in knots, so he skips getting anything to eat and just heads over to the detective's cabin.
There's a click of the door unlocking to let the other boy know someone's there, but whoever it is doesn't enter immediately. There's actually a lengthy pause, like maybe they've changed their mind, followed by a soft knock and an even softer voice. Not his volume, but the tone itself.]
Saihara-chan...? Are you home? And...is Akamatsu-chan there...?
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eventually i will have an icon that's a look of mild surprise instead of near-heart attack shock...
should i make you some while i'm making some kokichi ones??
nah, just kick my butt into working on my manga coloring
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