I've never known anyone who reads as much as you do... I bet you could read all the books in the whole library without getting bored!
[She... isn't saying it to point out how much of a nerd he is, honest. If anything, she just sounds like she's trying to pay him a compliment. About how much of a nerd he is.
But more importantly, his chest is warm and solid, and his arm is comforting around her. It almost makes her reconsider what she came here to tell him. Because if she just keeps putting it off and sleeping next to him, surely her nightmares will just go away on their own, right??]
But yeah, it is glitching... that's why I came over, since you weren't answering.
[Whether it's a compliment or an insult, Shuichi clearly doesn't mind. He doesn't see any malice behind it, and smiles a little bit.]
I don't know if I'd never get bored. I mean...there's no guarantee I'll enjoy every book they have. There's probably a few stories in there that even I would find boring.
[He's a little surprised to hear that apparently she didn't just...think to take her communicator off. At least it can't be a particularly terrible glitch...she's way too calm right now. So he can only assume it's something relatively harmless.]
But what are they doing this time? The communicators, I mean.
But they probably get new books all the time, right? Maybe they trade them to other libraries on other space stations when they have too many.
[Also no, she wouldn't take the communicator off because what!! If Shuichi!! Needed to reach her!!
She exhales quietly and nuzzles her nose against his shoulder, shifting to get a little more comfortable against him.]
It's weird... it's, like, taking thoughts and just broadcasting them without you meaning to text it. I don't think you can lie with it, either, since it's just taking your thoughts and sending them without giving you much choice.
[She sounds vaguely annoyed, and mildly creeped out, because yeah, now that she's thinking about it and putting it into words... it's another invasion of privacy!! Sheesh, can't this station let them keep their thoughts in their heads for once?!]
[If he needed to reach you, he would come get you!!! Like you did with him! Just now!! See???]
Ah... [Surely...surely Kokichi was smart enough to immediately take his off like Shuichi did. Surely he's not out there somewhere having a meltdown right now because he can't lie. Surely.] Thoughts like what, exactly? Just...whatever you happen to be thinking at the time or...? Is it more like what the trees did?
[Broadcasting things like memories and fantasies, thoughts that weren't necessarily happening at that particular moment. Digging deep into your mind.]
[She rolls over and buries her face in Shuichi's shoulder with a muffled whine.]
Aaaah, I said some really embarrassing things!!
[That's not... really what she's worried about, but it's way easier to talk about that than it is learning that Mikan was also executed, for starters.]
[Oh, Kaede...what is he going to do with you? He gives her a little squeeze and rubs her upper arm, somewhat uncertainly.]
Um...do you want to talk about it or...do you just want to try and forget about it?
[What exactly do you want from him, he's having some trouble telling. Do you want to talk or do you just want him to hug you? He's flexible, he can do either.]
[She groans, that sound also muffled against his shoulder. She doesn't want to do either of those things? Maybe she'll just lay here and snuggle with him.
No, okay, she can't do that. But she can't just jump right into the nightmares, either, not without explaining that Kokichi was scolding her about it.]
Umm... have you thought at all about, um, filling squares with other people?
Mmm...not beyond what we talked about really. That it's kind of an eventuality if we ever want to complete a card. And that there's always a chance we might be forced to anyway.
[So...just the idea in general.]
But I haven't really thought about...actually doing it, no.
[Mostly because his only other friend is Kokichi and Kokichi isn't playing anymore. He needs to make more friends before he thinks about filling squares...one thing at a time, here.]
...why?
[Where are you going with this, Kaede, he's a little confused. How does this have anything to do with you saying something embarrassing?]
[Also great, now she kind of feels like garbage for the second time today?? Because here she is thinking about doing things with other friends, and Shuichi just... isn't. Kokichi's right, she really does take him for granted.]
W-well... I was talking to Rei-san, a little, and she said she'd be fine doing some squares with me if I ever wanted to. And I was thinking it might be kind of fun, so...
[She pushes herself up on one elbow to try to catch Shuichi's eye.]
Only if that's something you're really okay with, though. The way I feel about you is... a lot different from the way I feel about any of my friends. So your feelings are the most important to me!
[She doesn't have to try very hard. When she shifts positions, Shuichi turns his head and ends up looking her right in the eyes. It's hard to tell if that was intentional or if that's just naturally where his gaze fell but, either way, she has his attention. Eye contact and all.]
[He blinks a few times, then nods with a small smile.]
Mmm, and that's why it's okay. [Okay, truth be told though he is a little relieved to hear that she's still only thinking about the possibility of playing with other girls. If she'd asked another boy...kind of a different story. That would have stung a little bit.] Even if you complete some squares with your friends...I'm still the only person that you want to be intimate with without having the card involved, right? Plus, it's not like you have to have sex to complete a square. So it's okay. I trust you, and I'm pretty confident that your feelings for me won't change if you sometimes play with another person. I know mine won't, if and when I meet someone else I'd be comfortable playing with on occasion.
[Don't feel like garbage, Kaede. If he were more of a social butterfly like you, he probably WOULD have given it more thought by now. But he absolutely doesn't want to play with strangers, so...there's really nothing to think about at the moment.]
[Oh... he met her eyes on all his own. It doesn't matter how many times it happens, it still gives her little butterflies in her stomach that he's able to do that.
And don't worry, Shuichi. No other boys yet. All her guy friends are gay??]
Thank you! [She sounds more relieved than anything, leaning in to gently press a kiss to his lips.] And... you're right. I know my feelings won't change at all. You're the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with so...
[Wow, that got embarrassing really quick. She nuzzles her nose against his shoulder again with a muffled noise before glancing up. Time to embarrass him in exchange!]
So... do you want to watch? Boys like that kind of thing, don't they?
[She's grinning, clearly teasing him to try to get over her own embarrassment.]
[Okay but he would be fine if she just continued to only befriend gay men. Not a single complaint would he make if that came to pass.]
[His own cheeks light up as she trails off. His hearing isn't quite as amazing as hers, of course, but he's able to pick up enough to figure out what she said. Wow.]
[That's. Really--]
U-um--! [You ruined the moment, Kaede. absolutely ruined it. Though that was probably the whole point, but still. Rude. His cheeks go from pink to bright red in a matter of seconds.] N-no, I...um. I don't think so.
[Okay, so maybe he IS a little tempted. The same way he'd been tempted to peep on the student council girls' pool party. But...no that would be. way too embarrassing, especially since he doesn't know Rei beyond what Kaede has told him about her.]
[She giggles at him, her own cheeks flushed pink at the admission that he absolutely has definitely forgotten about in the wake of her question. It's embarrassing, to be sure, but, well... they both have the voyeurism square, don't they? And why shouldn't they knock out one of his squares while she's doing her own!!
Not that she really wants Shuichi to see that until she knows what she's doing with another girl, she thinks.]
Okay... well let me know if you change your mind. It'll be a standing offer!
[Ugh...don't remind him about the voyeurism square. He knows he's going to have to do it eventually, and it's not even a particularly difficult square it's just...a really embarrassing thought. Having to watch or be watched...yeah he's putting that one off for a bit.]
[Another giggle, and she shifts on the bed to rest her cheek against his chest again. Comfy... it almost seems like she might be done talking for now, and might let him return to his book, but really, she's just trying to work up the courage. Listening to his heartbeat kind of helps, in a weird way.]
Mmm... that's not really the reason why I wanted to come over, though, [she says finally without looking up at him.]
[is it comforting even when it's beating faster from embarrassment? Because it is. Just a little bit. Though it falls back into a regular rhythm fairly quickly.]
[Mmm, yes. This IS comfy. The comfiest, even. He's positive he'll never get tired of cuddling with Kaede like this...]
Hm? [He shifts a little bit, looking down at her once more and expecting to meet her eyes again. Except...he doesn't. Which is slightly concerning behavior, coming from Kaede. Something is Wrong.] Erm...what was the actual reason, then?
[...ah. Shuichi is silent for a moment, contemplating his answer. The question is simple enough, but the answer is...complicated.]
...I'll never forget everything we went through together and I don't want to. There are specific moments, both happy and painful, that I think back on sometimes. And I miss all our friends and want to see them again. [But that's probably not so surprising, given that Kaito's jacket is still hanging from the back of his door.] But...I don't really think about the killing game itself, no.
[He twirls the ends of Kaede's hair idly around his fingers.]
I guess I've sort of separated and compartmentalized things. That last trial was just...such bullshit; the whole game itself was such meaningless bullshit that I don't want to think about it anymore. And even if I wish things could have ended differently-- that we all could have made it out alive together-- I'm satisfied with the ending we chose. Satisfied enough that I feel like I can put the killing game behind me and move on.
[Plus, it helps that the only real regret he was left with was that he hadn't realized Kaede's plan sooner. But since Kaede is here with him, and alive...there's no reason to dwell on it.]
[She closes her eyes when he starts twirling her hair, comforted somewhat by the familiar gesture, but she still ends up making a little noise of discontent at his explanation. Because she isn't satisfied with it, because no matter how sure Shuichi is that they made the right choice, she can't help but think there had to have been another way. If she'd been there, maybe...
Maybe this is what Kokichi was talking about.]
I don't think I can do that, Shuichi-kun, [she says finally, opening her eyes again and looking up at him.] Or... I guess, I don't know how to do that, or if I even want to. Maybe if everybody else was here, it'd be easier, but without them...
[She shakes her head, what little she can without lifting her head much off his chest.]
I keep dreaming about it. What happened to me and everyone else.
[He looks neither surprised nor disappointed by Kaede's answer. It's obvious from the look on his face that that was more or less what he expected her to say.]
[He knows full well that what works for him won't work for the other two. Their positions are all fundamentally different. Shuichi got closure that the other two didn't. Closure that allowed him to say "fuck this shit, I'm out" and move on with his life.]
[He fully intended to explain this to her. To tell her that everything he'd said was meant to be an explanation, not a suggestion and that he'd help her find her own way of moving on...but all that is driven out of his head with that final admission. For a moment, he just stares at her dumbly. Because he's not stupid. He doesn't believe for a second that she's just having calm, normal dreams, the way her wording would suggest. She's having nightmares, same as Kokichi. She's been having nightmares, maybe this whole time and he...]
[He hadn't realized. Hadn't done anything to help her. And that realization hurts a little bit. Because he should have noticed, that's what boyfriends do, right?]
Is...is that why you've been coming to my room in the middle of the night?
[Why had he believed that it was just because she was lonely or missed him or wanted to surprise him when he woke up? Why hadn't he questioned it?]
[Sometimes it is because of what he thought it was?? And being lonely usually goes right along with the nightmares, so those two things kind of go together. But yeah, mostly it's because of the nightmares, and she winces and pushes herself up a little higher to meet his eyes.]
I didn't say anything because I didn't want to worry you. It's not because I didn't trust you or anything, it's just... I thought the dreams would go away on their own. You couldn't have known.
[After a few moments, he shifts and rolls over onto his side. Sorry if you were enjoying using his chest as a pillow, Kaede, but he really wants to hold you more properly now. Just wrap both arms around you and pull you in tight.]
[What she's saying makes perfect sense, of course, but it's hard to shake the feeling that he did something wrong.]
[She squeaks with surprise when he tugs her in, but doesn't protest other than that, nestling her chin in his shoulder and wrapping an arm around him in return. She's not Takoma but she's trying, a little.]
It helps a lot, [she murmurs with a quiet exhale. Her arms squeeze him a little more tightly.] Just being able to hear your heartbeat... it's the most comforting rhythm I can imagine.
[And his breathing, and his warmth, and just being close to him... it all fills her with the kind of courage that's usually so easy.]
[He is perfectly okay with the fact that she is not Takoma, because Takoma hugs are Too Much. This is just a nice, normal hug and that's perfect. He nuzzles the top of her head gently with his nose.]
It's okay.
[He gets why she didn't, even if he feels worse now than he would have if she'd told him from the start.]
[And he can't really blame her...talking about this sort of thing is hard, even if it's with somebody you're close to. Kokichi had hidden his nightmares for quite some time as well.]
Just...let me know from now on, okay? If there's anything else I can do to help...
[Suddenly, he thinks he understands why Kaede was so quick to consider moving in together.]
[She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and nuzzles her nose into his shoulder. Kokichi's right, again, as always. It's kind of annoying, actually?? She likes that little gremlin, but also kind of hates him. It's Complicated.]
I just... didn't want to tell you about them because I didn't want you to worry about me. And then it just seemed like it had been too long, and it was too late to talk about it. I didn't think about your feelings, Shuichi-kun, I'm sorry.
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diffidentive) wrote2017-11-13 11:58 am
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[She... isn't saying it to point out how much of a nerd he is, honest. If anything, she just sounds like she's trying to pay him a compliment. About how much of a nerd he is.
But more importantly, his chest is warm and solid, and his arm is comforting around her. It almost makes her reconsider what she came here to tell him. Because if she just keeps putting it off and sleeping next to him, surely her nightmares will just go away on their own, right??]
But yeah, it is glitching... that's why I came over, since you weren't answering.
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I don't know if I'd never get bored. I mean...there's no guarantee I'll enjoy every book they have. There's probably a few stories in there that even I would find boring.
[He's a little surprised to hear that apparently she didn't just...think to take her communicator off. At least it can't be a particularly terrible glitch...she's way too calm right now. So he can only assume it's something relatively harmless.]
But what are they doing this time? The communicators, I mean.
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[Also no, she wouldn't take the communicator off because what!! If Shuichi!! Needed to reach her!!
She exhales quietly and nuzzles her nose against his shoulder, shifting to get a little more comfortable against him.]
It's weird... it's, like, taking thoughts and just broadcasting them without you meaning to text it. I don't think you can lie with it, either, since it's just taking your thoughts and sending them without giving you much choice.
[She sounds vaguely annoyed, and mildly creeped out, because yeah, now that she's thinking about it and putting it into words... it's another invasion of privacy!! Sheesh, can't this station let them keep their thoughts in their heads for once?!]
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Ah... [Surely...surely Kokichi was smart enough to immediately take his off like Shuichi did. Surely he's not out there somewhere having a meltdown right now because he can't lie. Surely.] Thoughts like what, exactly? Just...whatever you happen to be thinking at the time or...? Is it more like what the trees did?
[Broadcasting things like memories and fantasies, thoughts that weren't necessarily happening at that particular moment. Digging deep into your mind.]
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Mmm... both, I think.
[She rolls over and buries her face in Shuichi's shoulder with a muffled whine.]
Aaaah, I said some really embarrassing things!!
[That's not... really what she's worried about, but it's way easier to talk about that than it is learning that Mikan was also executed, for starters.]
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Um...do you want to talk about it or...do you just want to try and forget about it?
[What exactly do you want from him, he's having some trouble telling. Do you want to talk or do you just want him to hug you? He's flexible, he can do either.]
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No, okay, she can't do that. But she can't just jump right into the nightmares, either, not without explaining that Kokichi was scolding her about it.]
Umm... have you thought at all about, um, filling squares with other people?
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[So...just the idea in general.]
But I haven't really thought about...actually doing it, no.
[Mostly because his only other friend is Kokichi and Kokichi isn't playing anymore. He needs to make more friends before he thinks about filling squares...one thing at a time, here.]
...why?
[Where are you going with this, Kaede, he's a little confused. How does this have anything to do with you saying something embarrassing?]
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Oh...
[Also great, now she kind of feels like garbage for the second time today?? Because here she is thinking about doing things with other friends, and Shuichi just... isn't. Kokichi's right, she really does take him for granted.]
W-well... I was talking to Rei-san, a little, and she said she'd be fine doing some squares with me if I ever wanted to. And I was thinking it might be kind of fun, so...
[She pushes herself up on one elbow to try to catch Shuichi's eye.]
Only if that's something you're really okay with, though. The way I feel about you is... a lot different from the way I feel about any of my friends. So your feelings are the most important to me!
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[He blinks a few times, then nods with a small smile.]
Mmm, and that's why it's okay. [Okay, truth be told though he is a little relieved to hear that she's still only thinking about the possibility of playing with other girls. If she'd asked another boy...kind of a different story. That would have stung a little bit.] Even if you complete some squares with your friends...I'm still the only person that you want to be intimate with without having the card involved, right? Plus, it's not like you have to have sex to complete a square. So it's okay. I trust you, and I'm pretty confident that your feelings for me won't change if you sometimes play with another person. I know mine won't, if and when I meet someone else I'd be comfortable playing with on occasion.
[Don't feel like garbage, Kaede. If he were more of a social butterfly like you, he probably WOULD have given it more thought by now. But he absolutely doesn't want to play with strangers, so...there's really nothing to think about at the moment.]
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And don't worry, Shuichi. No other boys yet. All her guy friends are gay??]
Thank you! [She sounds more relieved than anything, leaning in to gently press a kiss to his lips.] And... you're right. I know my feelings won't change at all. You're the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with so...
[Wow, that got embarrassing really quick. She nuzzles her nose against his shoulder again with a muffled noise before glancing up. Time to embarrass him in exchange!]
So... do you want to watch? Boys like that kind of thing, don't they?
[She's grinning, clearly teasing him to try to get over her own embarrassment.]
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[His own cheeks light up as she trails off. His hearing isn't quite as amazing as hers, of course, but he's able to pick up enough to figure out what she said. Wow.]
[That's. Really--]
U-um--! [You ruined the moment, Kaede. absolutely ruined it. Though that was probably the whole point, but still. Rude. His cheeks go from pink to bright red in a matter of seconds.] N-no, I...um. I don't think so.
[Okay, so maybe he IS a little tempted. The same way he'd been tempted to peep on the student council girls' pool party. But...no that would be. way too embarrassing, especially since he doesn't know Rei beyond what Kaede has told him about her.]
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Not that she really wants Shuichi to see that until she knows what she's doing with another girl, she thinks.]
Okay... well let me know if you change your mind. It'll be a standing offer!
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R-right, okay...
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Mmm... that's not really the reason why I wanted to come over, though, [she says finally without looking up at him.]
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[Mmm, yes. This IS comfy. The comfiest, even. He's positive he'll never get tired of cuddling with Kaede like this...]
Hm? [He shifts a little bit, looking down at her once more and expecting to meet her eyes again. Except...he doesn't. Which is slightly concerning behavior, coming from Kaede. Something is Wrong.] Erm...what was the actual reason, then?
[Not that she ever needs one, but...]
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It's... about the killing game. Do you still think about it...? Everything that happened to us, everything that happened to our friends...
I can't stop thinking about it. I'm trying, but it's really hard to move forward like this...
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...I'll never forget everything we went through together and I don't want to. There are specific moments, both happy and painful, that I think back on sometimes. And I miss all our friends and want to see them again. [But that's probably not so surprising, given that Kaito's jacket is still hanging from the back of his door.] But...I don't really think about the killing game itself, no.
[He twirls the ends of Kaede's hair idly around his fingers.]
I guess I've sort of separated and compartmentalized things. That last trial was just...such bullshit; the whole game itself was such meaningless bullshit that I don't want to think about it anymore. And even if I wish things could have ended differently-- that we all could have made it out alive together-- I'm satisfied with the ending we chose. Satisfied enough that I feel like I can put the killing game behind me and move on.
[Plus, it helps that the only real regret he was left with was that he hadn't realized Kaede's plan sooner. But since Kaede is here with him, and alive...there's no reason to dwell on it.]
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Maybe this is what Kokichi was talking about.]
I don't think I can do that, Shuichi-kun, [she says finally, opening her eyes again and looking up at him.] Or... I guess, I don't know how to do that, or if I even want to. Maybe if everybody else was here, it'd be easier, but without them...
[She shakes her head, what little she can without lifting her head much off his chest.]
I keep dreaming about it. What happened to me and everyone else.
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[He knows full well that what works for him won't work for the other two. Their positions are all fundamentally different. Shuichi got closure that the other two didn't. Closure that allowed him to say "fuck this shit, I'm out" and move on with his life.]
[He fully intended to explain this to her. To tell her that everything he'd said was meant to be an explanation, not a suggestion and that he'd help her find her own way of moving on...but all that is driven out of his head with that final admission. For a moment, he just stares at her dumbly. Because he's not stupid. He doesn't believe for a second that she's just having calm, normal dreams, the way her wording would suggest. She's having nightmares, same as Kokichi. She's been having nightmares, maybe this whole time and he...]
[He hadn't realized. Hadn't done anything to help her. And that realization hurts a little bit. Because he should have noticed, that's what boyfriends do, right?]
Is...is that why you've been coming to my room in the middle of the night?
[Why had he believed that it was just because she was lonely or missed him or wanted to surprise him when he woke up? Why hadn't he questioned it?]
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[Sometimes it is because of what he thought it was?? And being lonely usually goes right along with the nightmares, so those two things kind of go together. But yeah, mostly it's because of the nightmares, and she winces and pushes herself up a little higher to meet his eyes.]
I didn't say anything because I didn't want to worry you. It's not because I didn't trust you or anything, it's just... I thought the dreams would go away on their own. You couldn't have known.
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[After a few moments, he shifts and rolls over onto his side. Sorry if you were enjoying using his chest as a pillow, Kaede, but he really wants to hold you more properly now. Just wrap both arms around you and pull you in tight.]
[What she's saying makes perfect sense, of course, but it's hard to shake the feeling that he did something wrong.]
[I wish you had told me...]
...does sleeping with me help at all?
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It helps a lot, [she murmurs with a quiet exhale. Her arms squeeze him a little more tightly.] Just being able to hear your heartbeat... it's the most comforting rhythm I can imagine.
[And his breathing, and his warmth, and just being close to him... it all fills her with the kind of courage that's usually so easy.]
I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner...
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It's okay.
[He gets why she didn't, even if he feels worse now than he would have if she'd told him from the start.]
[And he can't really blame her...talking about this sort of thing is hard, even if it's with somebody you're close to. Kokichi had hidden his nightmares for quite some time as well.]
Just...let me know from now on, okay? If there's anything else I can do to help...
[Suddenly, he thinks he understands why Kaede was so quick to consider moving in together.]
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[She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and nuzzles her nose into his shoulder. Kokichi's right, again, as always. It's kind of annoying, actually?? She likes that little gremlin, but also kind of hates him. It's Complicated.]
I just... didn't want to tell you about them because I didn't want you to worry about me. And then it just seemed like it had been too long, and it was too late to talk about it. I didn't think about your feelings, Shuichi-kun, I'm sorry.
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i really need to make more icons...
poor shuichi
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