[is it comforting even when it's beating faster from embarrassment? Because it is. Just a little bit. Though it falls back into a regular rhythm fairly quickly.]
[Mmm, yes. This IS comfy. The comfiest, even. He's positive he'll never get tired of cuddling with Kaede like this...]
Hm? [He shifts a little bit, looking down at her once more and expecting to meet her eyes again. Except...he doesn't. Which is slightly concerning behavior, coming from Kaede. Something is Wrong.] Erm...what was the actual reason, then?
[...ah. Shuichi is silent for a moment, contemplating his answer. The question is simple enough, but the answer is...complicated.]
...I'll never forget everything we went through together and I don't want to. There are specific moments, both happy and painful, that I think back on sometimes. And I miss all our friends and want to see them again. [But that's probably not so surprising, given that Kaito's jacket is still hanging from the back of his door.] But...I don't really think about the killing game itself, no.
[He twirls the ends of Kaede's hair idly around his fingers.]
I guess I've sort of separated and compartmentalized things. That last trial was just...such bullshit; the whole game itself was such meaningless bullshit that I don't want to think about it anymore. And even if I wish things could have ended differently-- that we all could have made it out alive together-- I'm satisfied with the ending we chose. Satisfied enough that I feel like I can put the killing game behind me and move on.
[Plus, it helps that the only real regret he was left with was that he hadn't realized Kaede's plan sooner. But since Kaede is here with him, and alive...there's no reason to dwell on it.]
[She closes her eyes when he starts twirling her hair, comforted somewhat by the familiar gesture, but she still ends up making a little noise of discontent at his explanation. Because she isn't satisfied with it, because no matter how sure Shuichi is that they made the right choice, she can't help but think there had to have been another way. If she'd been there, maybe...
Maybe this is what Kokichi was talking about.]
I don't think I can do that, Shuichi-kun, [she says finally, opening her eyes again and looking up at him.] Or... I guess, I don't know how to do that, or if I even want to. Maybe if everybody else was here, it'd be easier, but without them...
[She shakes her head, what little she can without lifting her head much off his chest.]
I keep dreaming about it. What happened to me and everyone else.
[He looks neither surprised nor disappointed by Kaede's answer. It's obvious from the look on his face that that was more or less what he expected her to say.]
[He knows full well that what works for him won't work for the other two. Their positions are all fundamentally different. Shuichi got closure that the other two didn't. Closure that allowed him to say "fuck this shit, I'm out" and move on with his life.]
[He fully intended to explain this to her. To tell her that everything he'd said was meant to be an explanation, not a suggestion and that he'd help her find her own way of moving on...but all that is driven out of his head with that final admission. For a moment, he just stares at her dumbly. Because he's not stupid. He doesn't believe for a second that she's just having calm, normal dreams, the way her wording would suggest. She's having nightmares, same as Kokichi. She's been having nightmares, maybe this whole time and he...]
[He hadn't realized. Hadn't done anything to help her. And that realization hurts a little bit. Because he should have noticed, that's what boyfriends do, right?]
Is...is that why you've been coming to my room in the middle of the night?
[Why had he believed that it was just because she was lonely or missed him or wanted to surprise him when he woke up? Why hadn't he questioned it?]
[Sometimes it is because of what he thought it was?? And being lonely usually goes right along with the nightmares, so those two things kind of go together. But yeah, mostly it's because of the nightmares, and she winces and pushes herself up a little higher to meet his eyes.]
I didn't say anything because I didn't want to worry you. It's not because I didn't trust you or anything, it's just... I thought the dreams would go away on their own. You couldn't have known.
[After a few moments, he shifts and rolls over onto his side. Sorry if you were enjoying using his chest as a pillow, Kaede, but he really wants to hold you more properly now. Just wrap both arms around you and pull you in tight.]
[What she's saying makes perfect sense, of course, but it's hard to shake the feeling that he did something wrong.]
[She squeaks with surprise when he tugs her in, but doesn't protest other than that, nestling her chin in his shoulder and wrapping an arm around him in return. She's not Takoma but she's trying, a little.]
It helps a lot, [she murmurs with a quiet exhale. Her arms squeeze him a little more tightly.] Just being able to hear your heartbeat... it's the most comforting rhythm I can imagine.
[And his breathing, and his warmth, and just being close to him... it all fills her with the kind of courage that's usually so easy.]
[He is perfectly okay with the fact that she is not Takoma, because Takoma hugs are Too Much. This is just a nice, normal hug and that's perfect. He nuzzles the top of her head gently with his nose.]
It's okay.
[He gets why she didn't, even if he feels worse now than he would have if she'd told him from the start.]
[And he can't really blame her...talking about this sort of thing is hard, even if it's with somebody you're close to. Kokichi had hidden his nightmares for quite some time as well.]
Just...let me know from now on, okay? If there's anything else I can do to help...
[Suddenly, he thinks he understands why Kaede was so quick to consider moving in together.]
[She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and nuzzles her nose into his shoulder. Kokichi's right, again, as always. It's kind of annoying, actually?? She likes that little gremlin, but also kind of hates him. It's Complicated.]
I just... didn't want to tell you about them because I didn't want you to worry about me. And then it just seemed like it had been too long, and it was too late to talk about it. I didn't think about your feelings, Shuichi-kun, I'm sorry.
[It really is kind of annoying that a guy who spends so much time lying is also so often right.]
[Though, then again, when he's wrong, he's REALLY wrong so maybe it all kind of evens out in a weird way.]
[Shuichi rubs her back a little bit, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.]
I wouldn't say you weren't thinking about them at all... Not wanting to worry me is considering my feelings, right? So...really, it's okay.
[Even if it upsets him, it was a simple, harmless mistake. It's not something he's going to hold against her forever, especially since it's not like he isn't hiding a few things from her because he doesn't want to upset her.]
[Shuichi... you're too good for her. She hums and nuzzles her nose against his shoulder again.]
I'm glad you don't have dreams about it, too, [she mumbles, squeezing him again. Then they'd just be THREE messed up kids, and that would be awful.] Oma-kun is the one who told me I should talk about them with you in the first place... he cares about you a lot, you know.
[She feels a little guilty ratting Kokichi out like this, but... well, she did promise she'd make him more friends, didn't she?? And that means making sure that Kokichi and Shuichi are able to talk to each other a little better. In spite of Kokichi's.......
*gestures to all of him*]
I told him about my own back when you told me about his, and his first question back then was why I hadn't talked about it with you. And then he brought it up again earlier and said that I'd hurt your feelings if you ever found out on your own. And he's really grateful that you, um, put up with him.
He acts like a jerk, but he really does think of the two of us as his friends. The only two people outside of D.I.C.E., it sounded like.
Edited (REDUNDANCY what i get for stopping a tag to get food and then starting over again without rereading) 2018-03-03 00:46 (UTC)
[Oh my fucking god that little dumbass is out there somewhere having a liar's meltdown, isn't he? Why are you so smart yet so stupid, Kokichi. Why.]
Mmm...I think it's probably more like...we're the only two people outside of DICE who return the sentiment. He said several times during the game that he thought of all of us as his friends, and...I don't think that was a lie.
[At the time, it had sounded like one, but knowing what he knows now...he's certain that he had that wrong. Kokichi hadn't been taunting or messing with them, he really did think of them as his friends, even if most of them didn't return the sentiment.]
It's just kind of surprising to hear that he apparently cares about me "a lot." I never really got that impression from him...
[How many times had Kokichi said something that meant he cared, yet managed to sound like he meant that he didn't? So many times. Ever since the killing game ended, Shuichi had just sort of assumed that Kokichi cared about him as much as one would naturally expect a friend too. A normal, average amount of care.]
[But if Kokichi cares enough to lecture Kaede about his feelings over something so minor...apparently he, once again, had that wrong.]
[Well, she wasn't there for most of the game, so. That's news to her. But it also sounded different when he was talking about Shuichi, specifically, and the attention Shuichi paid to him.]
Well... I think he tries really hard to pretend like he doesn't. Because that's just the kind of person he is.
[Does Kokichi do the average, normal amount of anything??]
[He hums thoughtfully, but doesn't elaborate. This is something he'll have to think about on his own, later. If they start trying to puzzle Kokichi out, they'll be here all day and then some.]
Wait, so...was this a conversation the two of you had over the communicators?
[He's just still having trouble wrapping his mind around the idea of Kokichi carrying on a conversation once he realized he couldn't lie. Surely he would have just...hung up immediately?]
[Hey, you brought him up! Shuichi is just trying to make sense of all this, since he wasn't actually there.]
It could be either, with him. [A beat.] Um. How did you even...get onto that topic in the first place? Did he just call you specifically to tell you to talk to me about your nightmares?
[She shakes her head, snuggling in against him a little more closely to muffle a sigh.]
No... for some reason, he texted me to tell me the truth about D.I.C.E. You already know it, right? That they just play pranks on people?
[Just kind of assuming Shuichi knows, otherwise... whoops, sorry Kokichi.]
I think that virus in the communicators must make you want to confess things? Which is probably why he texted me that in the first place, come to think of it.
[Um. Hm. Does she really want to tell Shuichi that Kokichi thinks she's attractive and that confuses him because he's pretty sure he's gay?? And does that also mean she wants to confess that sometimes she still thinks about the time she and Kokichi spent together?? Oh boy. Maybe not now.]
We ended up getting on the topic of our -- yours and my -- relationship, and that's when he started accusing me of not considering your feelings at all. That's how we started talking about the... nightmares, again.
Mmm. [He nods. Yup, he's known about DICE for a while now. The only reason he hadn't told Kaede before now was because it wasn't his secret to tell. But he doesn't get a chance to explain that, given what Kaede tells him next.]
[It's not like Kokichi hasn't accused Kaede of not considering people's feelings before. The incident in the escape tunnel comes immediately to mind. And if he's being truly honest with himself, maybe the leader had been more correct about that than Shuichi had wanted to admit at the time. But to accuse her of doing that now, and in the context of their relationship...something about that just rubs him the wrong way.]
[He frowns, squeezing Kaede a little bit.]
I'm not sure that's something he had the right to tell you... [After everything Kokichi put them through in the killing game...he really doesn't have much room to talk when it comes being considerate of other people's feelings. Even if this is a romantic relationship and that wasn't...the situations are still comparable.] You should have told me about your nightmares sooner, but that's just one mistake. It doesn't mean you never consider my feelings.
[It's hard for even her not to get down about it, letting out a little discontented noise. It's still kind of hard to talk about, but... Shuichi's being so patient and considerate. He's such a good boy, she doesn't deserve him.]
Thank you, Shuichi-kun. For, um, listening and being understanding.
[Shuichi still isn't sure he agrees, but he's not sure what else to say to her that he hasn't already said. Giving motivational speeches to make people feel better has always been more Kaede's thing than his...]
You're welcome, A-- [...] Kaede...san.
[Okay he's not exactly sure if he should have tacked the -san on the end there, and it's obvious from his hesitating tone but...hey, he said it without stuttering at least. Even if it was kind of muffled because he has part of his face buried in her hair.]
[Her face slowly suffuses with color as she tilts her head. Oh, was he trying to hide? Good luck, boyo, she wants to see your face. A small smile is starting to curve her lips as she looks up at him, embarrassed but obviously pleased.
Before he can start to second-guess his choice too much, she sneaks in a kiss. She wasn't expecting it!! Next time let her prepare her heart some more, Shuichi! So a kiss is all he gets until she can find her words.]
[Ugh, let him hide!! She doesn't need to see just how red his face turned over something so simple.]
[Except, she absolutely gets to see it because she's more determined to look at him than he is to hide. And also to kiss him, apparently. Not that he can really complain about that.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
diffidentive) wrote2017-11-13 11:58 am
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[Mmm, yes. This IS comfy. The comfiest, even. He's positive he'll never get tired of cuddling with Kaede like this...]
Hm? [He shifts a little bit, looking down at her once more and expecting to meet her eyes again. Except...he doesn't. Which is slightly concerning behavior, coming from Kaede. Something is Wrong.] Erm...what was the actual reason, then?
[Not that she ever needs one, but...]
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It's... about the killing game. Do you still think about it...? Everything that happened to us, everything that happened to our friends...
I can't stop thinking about it. I'm trying, but it's really hard to move forward like this...
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...I'll never forget everything we went through together and I don't want to. There are specific moments, both happy and painful, that I think back on sometimes. And I miss all our friends and want to see them again. [But that's probably not so surprising, given that Kaito's jacket is still hanging from the back of his door.] But...I don't really think about the killing game itself, no.
[He twirls the ends of Kaede's hair idly around his fingers.]
I guess I've sort of separated and compartmentalized things. That last trial was just...such bullshit; the whole game itself was such meaningless bullshit that I don't want to think about it anymore. And even if I wish things could have ended differently-- that we all could have made it out alive together-- I'm satisfied with the ending we chose. Satisfied enough that I feel like I can put the killing game behind me and move on.
[Plus, it helps that the only real regret he was left with was that he hadn't realized Kaede's plan sooner. But since Kaede is here with him, and alive...there's no reason to dwell on it.]
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Maybe this is what Kokichi was talking about.]
I don't think I can do that, Shuichi-kun, [she says finally, opening her eyes again and looking up at him.] Or... I guess, I don't know how to do that, or if I even want to. Maybe if everybody else was here, it'd be easier, but without them...
[She shakes her head, what little she can without lifting her head much off his chest.]
I keep dreaming about it. What happened to me and everyone else.
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[He knows full well that what works for him won't work for the other two. Their positions are all fundamentally different. Shuichi got closure that the other two didn't. Closure that allowed him to say "fuck this shit, I'm out" and move on with his life.]
[He fully intended to explain this to her. To tell her that everything he'd said was meant to be an explanation, not a suggestion and that he'd help her find her own way of moving on...but all that is driven out of his head with that final admission. For a moment, he just stares at her dumbly. Because he's not stupid. He doesn't believe for a second that she's just having calm, normal dreams, the way her wording would suggest. She's having nightmares, same as Kokichi. She's been having nightmares, maybe this whole time and he...]
[He hadn't realized. Hadn't done anything to help her. And that realization hurts a little bit. Because he should have noticed, that's what boyfriends do, right?]
Is...is that why you've been coming to my room in the middle of the night?
[Why had he believed that it was just because she was lonely or missed him or wanted to surprise him when he woke up? Why hadn't he questioned it?]
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[Sometimes it is because of what he thought it was?? And being lonely usually goes right along with the nightmares, so those two things kind of go together. But yeah, mostly it's because of the nightmares, and she winces and pushes herself up a little higher to meet his eyes.]
I didn't say anything because I didn't want to worry you. It's not because I didn't trust you or anything, it's just... I thought the dreams would go away on their own. You couldn't have known.
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[After a few moments, he shifts and rolls over onto his side. Sorry if you were enjoying using his chest as a pillow, Kaede, but he really wants to hold you more properly now. Just wrap both arms around you and pull you in tight.]
[What she's saying makes perfect sense, of course, but it's hard to shake the feeling that he did something wrong.]
[I wish you had told me...]
...does sleeping with me help at all?
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It helps a lot, [she murmurs with a quiet exhale. Her arms squeeze him a little more tightly.] Just being able to hear your heartbeat... it's the most comforting rhythm I can imagine.
[And his breathing, and his warmth, and just being close to him... it all fills her with the kind of courage that's usually so easy.]
I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner...
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It's okay.
[He gets why she didn't, even if he feels worse now than he would have if she'd told him from the start.]
[And he can't really blame her...talking about this sort of thing is hard, even if it's with somebody you're close to. Kokichi had hidden his nightmares for quite some time as well.]
Just...let me know from now on, okay? If there's anything else I can do to help...
[Suddenly, he thinks he understands why Kaede was so quick to consider moving in together.]
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[She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and nuzzles her nose into his shoulder. Kokichi's right, again, as always. It's kind of annoying, actually?? She likes that little gremlin, but also kind of hates him. It's Complicated.]
I just... didn't want to tell you about them because I didn't want you to worry about me. And then it just seemed like it had been too long, and it was too late to talk about it. I didn't think about your feelings, Shuichi-kun, I'm sorry.
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[Though, then again, when he's wrong, he's REALLY wrong so maybe it all kind of evens out in a weird way.]
[Shuichi rubs her back a little bit, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.]
I wouldn't say you weren't thinking about them at all... Not wanting to worry me is considering my feelings, right? So...really, it's okay.
[Even if it upsets him, it was a simple, harmless mistake. It's not something he's going to hold against her forever, especially since it's not like he isn't hiding a few things from her because he doesn't want to upset her.]
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I'm glad you don't have dreams about it, too, [she mumbles, squeezing him again. Then they'd just be THREE messed up kids, and that would be awful.] Oma-kun is the one who told me I should talk about them with you in the first place... he cares about you a lot, you know.
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[Shuichi pulls back a little, just enough to be able look at Kaede again. His brows are knitted in confusion.]
Oma-kun did?
[How in the world did that conversation come up and since when does Kokichi care about him "a lot"?]
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[She feels a little guilty ratting Kokichi out like this, but... well, she did promise she'd make him more friends, didn't she?? And that means making sure that Kokichi and Shuichi are able to talk to each other a little better. In spite of Kokichi's.......
*gestures to all of him*]
I told him about my own back when you told me about his, and his first question back then was why I hadn't talked about it with you. And then he brought it up again earlier and said that I'd hurt your feelings if you ever found out on your own. And he's really grateful that you, um, put up with him.
He acts like a jerk, but he really does think of the two of us as his friends. The only two people outside of D.I.C.E., it sounded like.
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Mmm...I think it's probably more like...we're the only two people outside of DICE who return the sentiment. He said several times during the game that he thought of all of us as his friends, and...I don't think that was a lie.
[At the time, it had sounded like one, but knowing what he knows now...he's certain that he had that wrong. Kokichi hadn't been taunting or messing with them, he really did think of them as his friends, even if most of them didn't return the sentiment.]
It's just kind of surprising to hear that he apparently cares about me "a lot." I never really got that impression from him...
[How many times had Kokichi said something that meant he cared, yet managed to sound like he meant that he didn't? So many times. Ever since the killing game ended, Shuichi had just sort of assumed that Kokichi cared about him as much as one would naturally expect a friend too. A normal, average amount of care.]
[But if Kokichi cares enough to lecture Kaede about his feelings over something so minor...apparently he, once again, had that wrong.]
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[Well, she wasn't there for most of the game, so. That's news to her. But it also sounded different when he was talking about Shuichi, specifically, and the attention Shuichi paid to him.]
Well... I think he tries really hard to pretend like he doesn't. Because that's just the kind of person he is.
[Does Kokichi do the average, normal amount of anything??]
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Wait, so...was this a conversation the two of you had over the communicators?
[He's just still having trouble wrapping his mind around the idea of Kokichi carrying on a conversation once he realized he couldn't lie. Surely he would have just...hung up immediately?]
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Yeah... I think it was that important to him. Or he just wanted to argue with me that much.
[Maybe both.]
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It could be either, with him. [A beat.] Um. How did you even...get onto that topic in the first place? Did he just call you specifically to tell you to talk to me about your nightmares?
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No... for some reason, he texted me to tell me the truth about D.I.C.E. You already know it, right? That they just play pranks on people?
[Just kind of assuming Shuichi knows, otherwise... whoops, sorry Kokichi.]
I think that virus in the communicators must make you want to confess things? Which is probably why he texted me that in the first place, come to think of it.
[Um. Hm. Does she really want to tell Shuichi that Kokichi thinks she's attractive and that confuses him because he's pretty sure he's gay?? And does that also mean she wants to confess that sometimes she still thinks about the time she and Kokichi spent together?? Oh boy. Maybe not now.]
We ended up getting on the topic of our -- yours and my -- relationship, and that's when he started accusing me of not considering your feelings at all. That's how we started talking about the... nightmares, again.
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[It's not like Kokichi hasn't accused Kaede of not considering people's feelings before. The incident in the escape tunnel comes immediately to mind. And if he's being truly honest with himself, maybe the leader had been more correct about that than Shuichi had wanted to admit at the time. But to accuse her of doing that now, and in the context of their relationship...something about that just rubs him the wrong way.]
[He frowns, squeezing Kaede a little bit.]
I'm not sure that's something he had the right to tell you... [After everything Kokichi put them through in the killing game...he really doesn't have much room to talk when it comes being considerate of other people's feelings. Even if this is a romantic relationship and that wasn't...the situations are still comparable.] You should have told me about your nightmares sooner, but that's just one mistake. It doesn't mean you never consider my feelings.
[So...don't let it get you down too much, okay?]
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[It's hard for even her not to get down about it, letting out a little discontented noise. It's still kind of hard to talk about, but... Shuichi's being so patient and considerate. He's such a good boy, she doesn't deserve him.]
Thank you, Shuichi-kun. For, um, listening and being understanding.
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[Shuichi still isn't sure he agrees, but he's not sure what else to say to her that he hasn't already said. Giving motivational speeches to make people feel better has always been more Kaede's thing than his...]
You're welcome, A-- [...] Kaede...san.
[Okay he's not exactly sure if he should have tacked the -san on the end there, and it's obvious from his hesitating tone but...hey, he said it without stuttering at least. Even if it was kind of muffled because he has part of his face buried in her hair.]
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[Her face slowly suffuses with color as she tilts her head. Oh, was he trying to hide? Good luck, boyo, she wants to see your face. A small smile is starting to curve her lips as she looks up at him, embarrassed but obviously pleased.
Before he can start to second-guess his choice too much, she sneaks in a kiss. She wasn't expecting it!! Next time let her prepare her heart some more, Shuichi! So a kiss is all he gets until she can find her words.]
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[Except, she absolutely gets to see it because she's more determined to look at him than he is to hide. And also to kiss him, apparently. Not that he can really complain about that.]
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i really need to make more icons...
poor shuichi
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