[He does look around the cabin once he's able to, almost nervously, expecting her to be on the couch or sitting on the bed or something...but he's relieved when he doesn't see her, and even more so when Shuichi confirms that she's not there. There's a shake of his head.]
No I...wanted to talk to you. Preferably alone, so...
[So that's why he was wondering if she's here.]
Can I come in?
[He at least doesn't look too terrible. Though he doesn't look great either. While it's definitely nothing compared to those dark rings from before they'd learned about his nightmares, he does seem to be suffering from a little lack of sleep. Then again, binge gaming at the arcade always results in that, because he...will play games for days straight with no sleep. Because what is taking care of yourself? But beyond that, he's not even bothering trying to hide behind his usual smile. He looks tired and wrung out, and that is something that should be concerning.]
[He wanders inside, closing the door behind him before moving to sit on the opposite end of the couch. At first he doesn't actually say anything, eyes down on his hands as they fidget with the edge of his hoodie. He's trying to figure out how to start this...despite all of his practicing and going over what he wanted to say in his head, he's lost on what he should say. But he's not going to back out of it. He's here, and if he doesn't say anything it'll just keep hurting...so he takes a deep breath.]
...Saihara-chan, I...wanted to apologize for everything. Everything. I know I already apologized for some things but that was such a cheap and cowardly apology. I should have given you a better one, so I'm...sorry for that, first. And. And I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused. For not cooperating, for meddling so much, for laughing at everything...I shouldn't have done any of that. I should have-- [He pauses, struggling a little with getting the next part out. He knows he was doing what he could to survive, and that he hadn't brushed the whole thing off completely, at least not in secret, but...] I should have taken it more seriously. I'm sorry I made fun of everything, I'm sorry I laughed at...a-at...at Gonta and Iruma-chan's deaths, at making him chase and catch all of you, at the trials, at everything.
And I'm sorry I was so antagonistic in trials. I'm sorry I didn't just tell you all about Iruma-chan's plans, and that I insulted so many of you and couldn't play nice. K-Keebo too. I don't like him, but I didn't have to say everything that I did. A-and I'm sorry for kidnapping Momota-chan, and for making that stupid plan up at all, and forcing Harukawa-chan to do what she did. I should have just...killed Momota-chan myself, I should have gone to the trial and died that way, I should have known my plan wouldn't work like that--I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't. I'm sorry that there's still a part of me who thinks I did what I had to, that I'm not wrong...
[By now he's started crying, and it's nothing like the previous apology. It's not quiet tears that he can wipe away and get over quickly. While he's not sobbing, the strain is in his voice, and even when he wipes his face, more tears just follow in their place. All of this has been killing him, just eating him up inside, the guilt just so heavy and hard to carry...]
I-I hurt everyone so much, and I'm. I'm so sorry I did. I never...ever wanted to hurt anyone. I really didn't. I just didn't know what else to do, and I got mad and frustrated and jealous and. And I was already so far in my stupid plans. And none of that is an excuse, and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for...for the way I am. I'm sorry for being such...s-such an...a-an awful person. Someone who doesn't deserve to be around you or a-anyone else. Mean and terrible and a liar and a killer a-and--
[And if there's anything that's supposed to come after that, he can't get it out. He just...breaks, a choked and vocal sob finally leaving him. His hands lift up to cover his face, the leader curling up as much as he can when sitting criss cross on the couch, crying hard and openly. He doesn't know what else to do, and he hates that. There's more he should say, more he should apologize for, more he should do instead of just crying like a baby like this, but his vocal chords won't work anymore...he's sorry for that, too.]
[Okay, so...clearly his theory that Kokichi had been blowing off steam in the arcade the past few days was way off. Has he been stewing in his room the whole time? For what reason? What brought all this up again?]
[Sure, his initial apology hadn't gone into detail but...it was okay? He was sincere, and that mattered more than the words. Shuichi had accepted it, even if he couldn't totally forgive everything that Kokichi did. He'd accepted it and they'd moved on to try and repair the friendship that had both started and been destroyed because of the killing game. That was supposed to be the end of it. So why now, of all times...]
[All Shuichi can do is watch and listen, helplessly, wondering if he should stop the other boy or let him keep going. It's neither easy nor pleasant to watch someone have a breakdown, even if that someone is Kokichi Oma. Even once the leader loses his composure so completely that he can't keep his own apology going, Shuichi still doesn't know what to say.]
[So, instead, he gets to his feet, quickly crosses the room and disappears into the bathroom, reappearing moments later with a box of tissues in hand. This time, he takes a seat right next to Kokichi, curling one leg underneath his body so that he can turn to face the smaller boy and place the box in his own lap for now.]
Shhh, Oma-kun... [Here, move your hands...he has a tissue and he's pretty sure those are more absorbent than fingers.] It's okay...
[Okay, well...no, the stuff he did in the killing game STILL isn't okay, and never will be but...he didn't need to apologize again. So, right here, right now...things are okay. Or they can be, if Kokichi can calm back down enough to talk things through.]
[Sitting and stewing in his room is exactly what he's been doing. There are a few more stuttered "sorry"s as he drops his hands, fingers curling around his shin and gripping it tight. You'll...have to give him the tissue, he doesn't really know that you have those. His head is ducked still, eyes squeezed shut as he tries and fails to stop crying.]
I-it's not... [He manages to whimper that out, shaking his head a little. It's not okay...how can you just say that it is?]
[Luckily for Kokichi, Shuichi had a feeling he was going to have to wipe his eyes for him, at least at first. So once his hands are out of the way, the detective starts trying to tissue them dry as best he can with Kokichi curled up the way he is.]
What you did during the killing game isn't, but...you don't have to keep apologizing for it. Not to me. [Whether he has to keep apologizing to the others...that's for each of them to decide if and when they ever come here.] My answer from last time still hasn't changed, so...yes, it is okay. Once was enough...
[He still accepts your apology, that hasn't changed. And the only way it will is if you give him a reason to believe that you didn't actually mean it.]
S...S-Saihara-chan... [Does hearing that hurt or help him? It's hard to tell from the sound of his voice, thick with pain and grief. He just...it's so hard for him to accept that it's okay. He can't accept it himself, can't even try and forgive himself, so how can anyone else? How can Shuichi?
He lifts his head enough to make it easier to dry his eyes for him, but isn't looking at the detective. Even when he does eventually open his eyes, they're turned away from him, unable to bring himself to look at his friend...he doesn't know what to say.]
I know you are... [Well at least he's looking up now, even if he's not actually looking at Shuichi himself. That makes it easier to try and dry his eyes, though he has to get a second tissue now.] You did a lot of really awful things, but...that doesn't make you an awful person. It's the killing game that drove you to do those things...that's what's really awful.
[He continues drying Kokichi's eyes, even if he still won't look at him.]
That situation was just so horrible and so beyond what any person should ever have to go through that it's not fair to judge you based solely on the decisions you made during it. You and everyone else who was forced to play. [tsumugis georg is an outlier and shouldn't be counted.] You weren't the only one who made bad choices because it's what you thought you had to do, even if you...admittedly made the most.
[He's not going to pretend you didn't just to try and make you feel better, sorry. He pulls out another tissue and holds it up to Kokichi's nose.]
Blow.
[Get some of that snot out before he continues. Because he has more he can say if you still don't believe him.]
[It's okay, he wouldn't want you to pretend something like that. Even if he whimpers a little when it's pointed out, shoulders hunching some. He blows like he's told to, hanging his head just a little more afterward. Both because he...is having a hard time believing him. Or not believing him, but more accepting what he's saying as true. But also because he's...really pathetic. Needing Shuichi to dry his eyes and help him blow his nose...but he doesn't stop him either, because it's nice. It's nice, getting this kind of attention from someone...gives him this tiny, minuscule little happy feeling deep down, under all of the awful feelings he's struggling with right now. And isn't that kind of pathetic too?]
[Yeah, it's a little pathetic but it's Shuichi. It's not like he can judge, he's pretty pathetic in general.]
[Though, okay, eventually you are going to have to start drying your own eyes and blowing your own nose, buddy. He's not going to keep this up the whole time because you're not actually five.]
But that's all over now. I'm not saying you should forget everything that happened, or even that you have to forgive yourself for what you did but...you don't have to keep beating yourself up like this. You know what you did wrong, you clearly regret it, and you're learning from it, right? You're trying not to be that person anymore. That's all anyone can do, Oma-kun.
[He manages a soft, stuttered hum in reply, but...clearly isn't fully convinced by that. Or by something, at least. But listening to the detective talk and having him take care of him like that for a little bit at least was able to calm his sobbing down to just silent tears. And after a few moments he reaches out for a tissue of his own, needing to blow his nose again.]
I...don't know what else to do, Saihara-chan. I don't know what to do with myself...
[This is why he's still apologizing, and feels like he needs to even more. Even though Shuichi said it was okay...
Finally he looks up at his friend, rubbing at one of his eyes a little to dry it again as he continues talking.]
I've never...done anything like that before. Something so unforgivable. I can't stand myself anymore, Saihara-chan. I keep...I keep wanting to lie, to tell myself that that wasn't me. It was a clone, or an evil twin, or me from the mirrorverse. Something else. Someone else...that I didn't do anything like that. That I'm not a monster or a villain or anything but...
[Again he glances down towards his lap, a fresh wave of tears spilling down his cheeks.]
I can't. And it hurts so much. I've never, ever felt like this before. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be awake but I just have nightmares about everything when I sleep. Everyone dying, everyone reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and nobody wants me around, that it's all my fault. D.I.C.E. will be so disappointed, they'll feel so betrayed. They won't want me as their leader or even their friend anymore. Everyone else will hate me, and won't want to be around me, if they don't already. I'll have you and Akamatsu-chan but I don't even deserve that. B-but I don't want to be alone, either. I should be alone, I deserve to be, but I'm selfish and I don't want that.
[Taking another tissue, Kokichi draws his knees up to his chest, sniffling and hiccuping as he works on his cheeks and eyes.]
Why am I even here...I don't deserve this. Why couldn't it have been someone else? I'm...I'm sorry it was me. I know you said not to apologize but I don't know what else to do or say or anything so I'm sorry.
["Everyone dying, everyone reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and nobody wants me around..."]
[Shuichi's eyes widen slightly and he raises a hand to his mouth in horror as a memory spoken in own voice floats to the front of his mind, freezing his insides.]
["Momota-kun always has us by his side, see? But no one wants to be around you. You're alone, Oma-kun. And you always will be."]
[And now it's Shuichi's turn to have guilt claw at his insides. The aftermath of that trial had been so painful, he'd spent all his time trying not to think about it. And whenever he DID think about it, it was never those words. It was the way Kokichi had looked as he laughed about Gonta's death, or the way Kaito had spat out his name while refusing to look at him. It was always his own pain, or the pain of the collective group...never the pain that he had almost certainly caused Kokichi.]
[At the time, he hadn't thought anything of it...he'd completely meant what he said and he didn't care how it made Kokichi feel. At that point, he hadn't been sure if Kokichi was even capable of feeling anything other than a perverse sense of malice. But now that he knows the truth, now that he knows just how much Kokichi actually hates being alone...]
[He suddenly understands why Kokichi had trailed off after that...why he'd claimed that they were boring him and left as quickly as possible. Those words had genuinely hurt him...perhaps enough that he couldn't trust himself to keep up his guise of malicious evil.]
Oma-kun, I...I'm sorry. [Has he been holding onto those words this whole time? He must have, if he's come to the conclusion that he, not only will be alone, but deserves to be alone.] You don't deserve to be alone, and I'm s-sorry for saying that you always will be and that nobody wants to be around you. I... I should have realized it sooner, but I didn't even think...
[A lot happened after that trial, even before the three of them wound up here. It's really no surprise that that one conversation slipped his mind. And even if that's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why he hadn't spared that conversation a second, retrospective thought...it just feels like an excuse.]
[He was confused, at first, as to why Shuichi would be apologizing to him. What could he possibly apologize for? He'd never done anything wrong to him, after all. But then he continues, and the leader's breath hitches, throat closing as he listens. He has to look away from him, arms leaving his legs to clutch at his own shoulders instead, hugging himself tight.
Yes, he has been holding onto those words this whole time.
And he shakes his head immediately when it seems like the detective is done, squeezing his eyes shut again as more tears leak down his cheeks.]
N-no, you-- [A shuddered breath in and out.] You were r-right. You were right. After everything I've done...wh-who could possibly want to be around someone like me? P-people tolerate me at best. For so long I've only ever had D.I.C.E...I-- even... [He bites his lip, then shakes his head again.]
Nobody wants me, a-and now that. That I've not only hurt people but killed them too? Now even they won't...want to be around me. A-and nobody will forgive me. I can't even forgive myself, s-so how could anyone else--our friends, how could they forgive me? How could they want me around? I'm obnoxious at best, I'm crazy, I-I--
[Again he can't make it through what he's saying, once again interrupted by a sob. This time, though, his crying is much louder. Full of despair and pain. This has been something he's dwelled and brooded over for so long, the thing that's made it hard to fully trust Shuichi, something that haunts his nightmares every time he sleeps. He completely believes this is the truth of his situation. The detective had said it with such conviction...he'd meant every word of it. And he'd seen the results afterward, just backing up that statement.
Of course, he had never planned on living through the consequences. A slow, excruciating death, the kind of death someone like him deserves...he would suffer that and that would be the end of it. But now...]
[Shuichi, of course, has an argument for this. Yes, he had meant every word of what he'd said then. And he still stands by it, even now. But...there are factors now that complicate the situation, that alter his opinion in a way...]
[What would Kaede do in this situation? Or even Kaito, if this were anyone other than Kokichi. The two of them so much better at this sort of thing than he is. Shuichi just wants to explain himself, to calmly and rationally refute what Kokichi is saying and show him exactly HOW he's wrong. Show him why things aren't as straightforward as they seem. But with the other in this state...that's not really an option. No matter how sound and rational his argument is, chances are high that Kokichi won't process a word of it.]
[Kaede and Kaito always made him feel strong when he was at his weakest...assured when he was directionless and lost...hopeful when he could only feel despair...]
[How can he do that same thing, now, for Kokichi?]
......
[Slowly, Shuichi leans forward and wraps his arms around the smaller boy. This definitely isn't the approach Kaito would take, but it's better to emulate Kaede in this situation, he thinks. Kaito's usual method of dealing with Kokichi is to ignore him and that...that's definitely not the right answer. He's not sure that was ever the right answer.]
[It's not really the best hug, given that Kokichi is already hugging himself but it's a hug, at least. One that he intends to maintain until Kokichi either calms down or pushes him away, whichever happens first.]
[Again his breath stops - everything stops, his breath, his crying, even his heart for a couple beats - as he processes what's going on. But it's only a moment before he almost collapses into the hug. The leader unfurls, arms reaching forward to wrap around him and clutch almost desperately at anything he can. It's probably no surprise, considering all the cuddling they've done before, that physical contact and attention is the most comforting thing you can give him, and it's made even more obvious with this.
Because he's almost pulled himself into Shuichi's lap, wanting nothing more than to be held right now. He's still crying so...sorry for that, especially as he's burying his face into the detective's shoulder. And sorry that he's just ignoring the tissues that were in his lap, too, but...this is all he could ever want, right now. Well, aside from forgiveness, but the words just aren't as comforting as this. They don't make him feel as safe as this does, feel as though everything could possibly be okay.
This was definitely the right move, Shuichi. It'll take a little bit, a sob of "Saihara-chan" and a couple stuttered apologies, but eventually the crying slows and his breath starts to even out a little...the smaller just left trembling in his hold, hiccuping every now and then, fingers still tightly wound into the fabric of his shirt.]
[There's a slightly pained groan as a corner of the tissue box kind of stabs Shuichi in the gut. Apparently that was not the best place for the tissues after all, hold on he needs let go for a second so he can move that before it happens again. There we go, that's better.]
[But other than that, Shuichi doesn't make a sound. He just holds the smaller boy in his lap and lets him cry all over his shirt. It's just a shirt for training anyway, who cares if it gets tears and snot on it. It's not like it isn't already a little sweaty, anyway. He does pat his back a few times though. Gently, hopefully reassuringly.]
[It's not until Kokichi has calmed down considerably that Shuichi finally speaks, still keeping his arms wrapped around him.]
I was half right, Oma-kun. After everything you did back then...you did deserve to be alone. The way you toyed with us and laughed at us...nobody would want to be friends with someone so heartless, you barely even seemed human at the time.
[Pure malice. You looked like malice given a human form.]
But...that Oma-kun was a lie, wasn't he? And you said it yourself...lies are infinite possibilities, right? That's not really who you are at all, even if you can convincingly act that way. So...I'm not going to take what I said back, not really. But I am going to apologize for it; I'm going to apologize to the Oma-kun who's here right now. Because he doesn't deserve to be alone, even if he made some really terrible decisions and mistakes that even he can't forgive himself for.
[He's quiet as he listens, still clutching to him and leaning his head against his shoulder. This time, when Shuichi's done, there's no argument. He doesn't disagree, he doesn't fight him on it...partially because he's too tired to, partially because he wants to believe him even if before he was so sure the detective was right, that he would be alone...
Mostly, though, it's because when it's worded like that, it makes it easier to believe and accept. When it's labeled with truths and lies...
He pulls himself closer, arms tightening around the detective some as he nods his head, just a little. The crying that he thought had finally quit starts up again, but it's not the same agonized sobs this time. This time it's something calmer, sad but grateful. Though...even if he's accepting this, and believing it...]
...please don't...ever leave me alone again, Saihara-chan. I promise I won't ever give you a reason to so...please.
[He still has to ask, to plead with him, just for the extra peace of mind.]
[Once again, Shuichi can't help but wonder if things would have gone differently had they not collectively ignored Kokichi during the game. Kaito had been so sure that that was the right thing to do, and yet...he'd been so wrong. That much is obvious to Shuichi now.]
I won't. [He smiles softly, resting his cheek against the side of Kokichi's head.] Promise.
[...Kokichi means figuratively, right? Shuichi likes him and all but he doesn't want to have the crazy little gremlin glued to his hip constantly.]
[If he were in a better mood, he'd probably tease him with that. Something about handcuffing himself to the detective, most likely, and he's not exactly safe from this later once he's recovered. But yes, he means figuratively, don't worry.]
Thank you.
[Hey, you don't mind if he stays like this for a little longer, do you? Just soak up every little bit of comfort he can before it inevitably has to end...which may be sooner, rather than later, as after about a minute of just nice, relaxing quiet, Kokichi yawns. And that gets him to sit back a little in Shuichi's lap, freeing his hands so he can wipe at his eyes and face with his sleeves.
He looks absolutely drained now, everything heavy and ready for a nap or something... Not surprising, he never has emotional outbursts like that, so they're pretty tiring.]
[Judging by the fact that he doesn't try and force Kokichi out of his lap or tell him to get up...he doesn't seem to mind. He's not going anywhere, it's fine.]
[When the leader pulls back to start wiping at his face, however, Shuichi does reach over for the tissue box to offer it to him.]
[Another quiet thank you as he takes a couple, using those instead. He blows his nose once, curling the tissue tight into his hand afterward and then going back to leaning against his shoulder. He wraps his arms around just one of Shuichi's now, rather than around the boy himself, but still rests his head against the crook between his shoulder and neck again. Quiet, shoulders and body slowly relaxing against him, unwinding...]
...I don't know what I'd do without you here, y'know...?
[He sounds tired as he says it, but it's loud enough to make sure Shuichi could hear him. No whispers or mumbles. And it's actually followed by a chuckle, though there's no real amusement in it.]
[He'd mention that Kokichi would still have Kaede but...she could only help him so much with this. She just wasn't there for most of the killing game, even if she can almost certainly relate to the feeling of doing something terrible that you can never forgive yourself for.]
[He gives Kokichi a few more moments of relaxing before nudging him gently.]
Come on, you should go lie down before you fall asleep. The bed is more comfortable than I am.
[Also Shuichi himself is starting to get a little uncomfortable since he...still has one leg tucked underneath him. Kinda hurts a little bit. He didn't really get a chance to shift into a more comfortable position when Kokichi crawled into his lap...he was too concerned with getting the tissues out of the way.]
[He hums a little at that with a nod, and then hums again when Shuichi suggests lying down. It takes just a little more effort than it should to get up and out of his lap, moving towards the bed without any fight but stopping at the end of the couch. Turning around, he gives the detective a thoughtful, tired look. His eyelids are already drooping, arms just kind of hanging limply at his sides, definitely tired...and then he glances back at the bed and away from him, bringing up a hand to chew on his thumb a little, debating something.]
...you're...still willing to do whatever I want you to, if I need something...?
[As soon as Kokichi is out of his lap, Shuichi shifts to free his trapped leg...which is now kind of starting to fall asleep. Fun.]
Ah...! [He shakes his foot a little bit, completely oblivious to whatever debate Kokichi is having over by his bed. Until the other boy starts talking to him again, that is?] Hm? Oh, right. Yes, I am.
[He doesn't add the "within reason" this time because hopefully that goes without saying by now. Plus, with Kokichi in a rare serious mood, he's pretty sure he's not going to ask him anything ridiculous.]
[Definitely not going to ask him anything ridiculous. Though at first it seems like he might not actually ask for whatever he wants either, just sitting in silence, chewing on his lip a little now. But eventually he face his friend.]
Can... [It's okay to ask. He said it's okay, and things are okay between you two, so it's okay to ask!!
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diffidentive) wrote2017-11-13 11:58 am
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No I...wanted to talk to you. Preferably alone, so...
[So that's why he was wondering if she's here.]
Can I come in?
[He at least doesn't look too terrible. Though he doesn't look great either. While it's definitely nothing compared to those dark rings from before they'd learned about his nightmares, he does seem to be suffering from a little lack of sleep. Then again, binge gaming at the arcade always results in that, because he...will play games for days straight with no sleep. Because what is taking care of yourself? But beyond that, he's not even bothering trying to hide behind his usual smile. He looks tired and wrung out, and that is something that should be concerning.]
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[Shuichi nods and gestures to the couch before moving to take a seat at one end himself. Come in, make yourself at home, have a seat.]
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...Saihara-chan, I...wanted to apologize for everything. Everything. I know I already apologized for some things but that was such a cheap and cowardly apology. I should have given you a better one, so I'm...sorry for that, first. And. And I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused. For not cooperating, for meddling so much, for laughing at everything...I shouldn't have done any of that. I should have-- [He pauses, struggling a little with getting the next part out. He knows he was doing what he could to survive, and that he hadn't brushed the whole thing off completely, at least not in secret, but...] I should have taken it more seriously. I'm sorry I made fun of everything, I'm sorry I laughed at...a-at...at Gonta and Iruma-chan's deaths, at making him chase and catch all of you, at the trials, at everything.
And I'm sorry I was so antagonistic in trials. I'm sorry I didn't just tell you all about Iruma-chan's plans, and that I insulted so many of you and couldn't play nice. K-Keebo too. I don't like him, but I didn't have to say everything that I did. A-and I'm sorry for kidnapping Momota-chan, and for making that stupid plan up at all, and forcing Harukawa-chan to do what she did. I should have just...killed Momota-chan myself, I should have gone to the trial and died that way, I should have known my plan wouldn't work like that--I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't. I'm sorry that there's still a part of me who thinks I did what I had to, that I'm not wrong...
[By now he's started crying, and it's nothing like the previous apology. It's not quiet tears that he can wipe away and get over quickly. While he's not sobbing, the strain is in his voice, and even when he wipes his face, more tears just follow in their place. All of this has been killing him, just eating him up inside, the guilt just so heavy and hard to carry...]
I-I hurt everyone so much, and I'm. I'm so sorry I did. I never...ever wanted to hurt anyone. I really didn't. I just didn't know what else to do, and I got mad and frustrated and jealous and. And I was already so far in my stupid plans. And none of that is an excuse, and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for...for the way I am. I'm sorry for being such...s-such an...a-an awful person. Someone who doesn't deserve to be around you or a-anyone else. Mean and terrible and a liar and a killer a-and--
[And if there's anything that's supposed to come after that, he can't get it out. He just...breaks, a choked and vocal sob finally leaving him. His hands lift up to cover his face, the leader curling up as much as he can when sitting criss cross on the couch, crying hard and openly. He doesn't know what else to do, and he hates that. There's more he should say, more he should apologize for, more he should do instead of just crying like a baby like this, but his vocal chords won't work anymore...he's sorry for that, too.]
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[Okay, so...clearly his theory that Kokichi had been blowing off steam in the arcade the past few days was way off. Has he been stewing in his room the whole time? For what reason? What brought all this up again?]
[Sure, his initial apology hadn't gone into detail but...it was okay? He was sincere, and that mattered more than the words. Shuichi had accepted it, even if he couldn't totally forgive everything that Kokichi did. He'd accepted it and they'd moved on to try and repair the friendship that had both started and been destroyed because of the killing game. That was supposed to be the end of it. So why now, of all times...]
[All Shuichi can do is watch and listen, helplessly, wondering if he should stop the other boy or let him keep going. It's neither easy nor pleasant to watch someone have a breakdown, even if that someone is Kokichi Oma. Even once the leader loses his composure so completely that he can't keep his own apology going, Shuichi still doesn't know what to say.]
[So, instead, he gets to his feet, quickly crosses the room and disappears into the bathroom, reappearing moments later with a box of tissues in hand. This time, he takes a seat right next to Kokichi, curling one leg underneath his body so that he can turn to face the smaller boy and place the box in his own lap for now.]
Shhh, Oma-kun... [Here, move your hands...he has a tissue and he's pretty sure those are more absorbent than fingers.] It's okay...
[Okay, well...no, the stuff he did in the killing game STILL isn't okay, and never will be but...he didn't need to apologize again. So, right here, right now...things are okay. Or they can be, if Kokichi can calm back down enough to talk things through.]
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I-it's not... [He manages to whimper that out, shaking his head a little. It's not okay...how can you just say that it is?]
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What you did during the killing game isn't, but...you don't have to keep apologizing for it. Not to me. [Whether he has to keep apologizing to the others...that's for each of them to decide if and when they ever come here.] My answer from last time still hasn't changed, so...yes, it is okay. Once was enough...
[He still accepts your apology, that hasn't changed. And the only way it will is if you give him a reason to believe that you didn't actually mean it.]
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He lifts his head enough to make it easier to dry his eyes for him, but isn't looking at the detective. Even when he does eventually open his eyes, they're turned away from him, unable to bring himself to look at his friend...he doesn't know what to say.]
...I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
[So he just apologizes again.]
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[He continues drying Kokichi's eyes, even if he still won't look at him.]
That situation was just so horrible and so beyond what any person should ever have to go through that it's not fair to judge you based solely on the decisions you made during it. You and everyone else who was forced to play. [tsumugis georg is an outlier and shouldn't be counted.] You weren't the only one who made bad choices because it's what you thought you had to do, even if you...admittedly made the most.
[He's not going to pretend you didn't just to try and make you feel better, sorry. He pulls out another tissue and holds it up to Kokichi's nose.]
Blow.
[Get some of that snot out before he continues. Because he has more he can say if you still don't believe him.]
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[Though, okay, eventually you are going to have to start drying your own eyes and blowing your own nose, buddy. He's not going to keep this up the whole time because you're not actually five.]
But that's all over now. I'm not saying you should forget everything that happened, or even that you have to forgive yourself for what you did but...you don't have to keep beating yourself up like this. You know what you did wrong, you clearly regret it, and you're learning from it, right? You're trying not to be that person anymore. That's all anyone can do, Oma-kun.
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I...don't know what else to do, Saihara-chan. I don't know what to do with myself...
[This is why he's still apologizing, and feels like he needs to even more. Even though Shuichi said it was okay...
Finally he looks up at his friend, rubbing at one of his eyes a little to dry it again as he continues talking.]
I've never...done anything like that before. Something so unforgivable. I can't stand myself anymore, Saihara-chan. I keep...I keep wanting to lie, to tell myself that that wasn't me. It was a clone, or an evil twin, or me from the mirrorverse. Something else. Someone else...that I didn't do anything like that. That I'm not a monster or a villain or anything but...
[Again he glances down towards his lap, a fresh wave of tears spilling down his cheeks.]
I can't. And it hurts so much. I've never, ever felt like this before. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be awake but I just have nightmares about everything when I sleep. Everyone dying, everyone reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and nobody wants me around, that it's all my fault. D.I.C.E. will be so disappointed, they'll feel so betrayed. They won't want me as their leader or even their friend anymore. Everyone else will hate me, and won't want to be around me, if they don't already. I'll have you and Akamatsu-chan but I don't even deserve that. B-but I don't want to be alone, either. I should be alone, I deserve to be, but I'm selfish and I don't want that.
[Taking another tissue, Kokichi draws his knees up to his chest, sniffling and hiccuping as he works on his cheeks and eyes.]
Why am I even here...I don't deserve this. Why couldn't it have been someone else? I'm...I'm sorry it was me. I know you said not to apologize but I don't know what else to do or say or anything so I'm sorry.
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[Shuichi's eyes widen slightly and he raises a hand to his mouth in horror as a memory spoken in own voice floats to the front of his mind, freezing his insides.]
["Momota-kun always has us by his side, see? But no one wants to be around you. You're alone, Oma-kun. And you always will be."]
[And now it's Shuichi's turn to have guilt claw at his insides. The aftermath of that trial had been so painful, he'd spent all his time trying not to think about it. And whenever he DID think about it, it was never those words. It was the way Kokichi had looked as he laughed about Gonta's death, or the way Kaito had spat out his name while refusing to look at him. It was always his own pain, or the pain of the collective group...never the pain that he had almost certainly caused Kokichi.]
[At the time, he hadn't thought anything of it...he'd completely meant what he said and he didn't care how it made Kokichi feel. At that point, he hadn't been sure if Kokichi was even capable of feeling anything other than a perverse sense of malice. But now that he knows the truth, now that he knows just how much Kokichi actually hates being alone...]
[He suddenly understands why Kokichi had trailed off after that...why he'd claimed that they were boring him and left as quickly as possible. Those words had genuinely hurt him...perhaps enough that he couldn't trust himself to keep up his guise of malicious evil.]
Oma-kun, I...I'm sorry. [Has he been holding onto those words this whole time? He must have, if he's come to the conclusion that he, not only will be alone, but deserves to be alone.] You don't deserve to be alone, and I'm s-sorry for saying that you always will be and that nobody wants to be around you. I... I should have realized it sooner, but I didn't even think...
[A lot happened after that trial, even before the three of them wound up here. It's really no surprise that that one conversation slipped his mind. And even if that's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why he hadn't spared that conversation a second, retrospective thought...it just feels like an excuse.]
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Yes, he has been holding onto those words this whole time.
And he shakes his head immediately when it seems like the detective is done, squeezing his eyes shut again as more tears leak down his cheeks.]
N-no, you-- [A shuddered breath in and out.] You were r-right. You were right. After everything I've done...wh-who could possibly want to be around someone like me? P-people tolerate me at best. For so long I've only ever had D.I.C.E...I-- even... [He bites his lip, then shakes his head again.]
Nobody wants me, a-and now that. That I've not only hurt people but killed them too? Now even they won't...want to be around me. A-and nobody will forgive me. I can't even forgive myself, s-so how could anyone else--our friends, how could they forgive me? How could they want me around? I'm obnoxious at best, I'm crazy, I-I--
[Again he can't make it through what he's saying, once again interrupted by a sob. This time, though, his crying is much louder. Full of despair and pain. This has been something he's dwelled and brooded over for so long, the thing that's made it hard to fully trust Shuichi, something that haunts his nightmares every time he sleeps. He completely believes this is the truth of his situation. The detective had said it with such conviction...he'd meant every word of it. And he'd seen the results afterward, just backing up that statement.
Of course, he had never planned on living through the consequences. A slow, excruciating death, the kind of death someone like him deserves...he would suffer that and that would be the end of it. But now...]
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[What would Kaede do in this situation? Or even Kaito, if this were anyone other than Kokichi. The two of them so much better at this sort of thing than he is. Shuichi just wants to explain himself, to calmly and rationally refute what Kokichi is saying and show him exactly HOW he's wrong. Show him why things aren't as straightforward as they seem. But with the other in this state...that's not really an option. No matter how sound and rational his argument is, chances are high that Kokichi won't process a word of it.]
[Kaede and Kaito always made him feel strong when he was at his weakest...assured when he was directionless and lost...hopeful when he could only feel despair...]
[How can he do that same thing, now, for Kokichi?]
......
[Slowly, Shuichi leans forward and wraps his arms around the smaller boy. This definitely isn't the approach Kaito would take, but it's better to emulate Kaede in this situation, he thinks. Kaito's usual method of dealing with Kokichi is to ignore him and that...that's definitely not the right answer. He's not sure that was ever the right answer.]
[It's not really the best hug, given that Kokichi is already hugging himself but it's a hug, at least. One that he intends to maintain until Kokichi either calms down or pushes him away, whichever happens first.]
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Because he's almost pulled himself into Shuichi's lap, wanting nothing more than to be held right now. He's still crying so...sorry for that, especially as he's burying his face into the detective's shoulder. And sorry that he's just ignoring the tissues that were in his lap, too, but...this is all he could ever want, right now. Well, aside from forgiveness, but the words just aren't as comforting as this. They don't make him feel as safe as this does, feel as though everything could possibly be okay.
This was definitely the right move, Shuichi. It'll take a little bit, a sob of "Saihara-chan" and a couple stuttered apologies, but eventually the crying slows and his breath starts to even out a little...the smaller just left trembling in his hold, hiccuping every now and then, fingers still tightly wound into the fabric of his shirt.]
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[But other than that, Shuichi doesn't make a sound. He just holds the smaller boy in his lap and lets him cry all over his shirt. It's just a shirt for training anyway, who cares if it gets tears and snot on it. It's not like it isn't already a little sweaty, anyway. He does pat his back a few times though. Gently, hopefully reassuringly.]
[It's not until Kokichi has calmed down considerably that Shuichi finally speaks, still keeping his arms wrapped around him.]
I was half right, Oma-kun. After everything you did back then...you did deserve to be alone. The way you toyed with us and laughed at us...nobody would want to be friends with someone so heartless, you barely even seemed human at the time.
[Pure malice. You looked like malice given a human form.]
But...that Oma-kun was a lie, wasn't he? And you said it yourself...lies are infinite possibilities, right? That's not really who you are at all, even if you can convincingly act that way. So...I'm not going to take what I said back, not really. But I am going to apologize for it; I'm going to apologize to the Oma-kun who's here right now. Because he doesn't deserve to be alone, even if he made some really terrible decisions and mistakes that even he can't forgive himself for.
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Mostly, though, it's because when it's worded like that, it makes it easier to believe and accept. When it's labeled with truths and lies...
He pulls himself closer, arms tightening around the detective some as he nods his head, just a little. The crying that he thought had finally quit starts up again, but it's not the same agonized sobs this time. This time it's something calmer, sad but grateful. Though...even if he's accepting this, and believing it...]
...please don't...ever leave me alone again, Saihara-chan. I promise I won't ever give you a reason to so...please.
[He still has to ask, to plead with him, just for the extra peace of mind.]
Please.
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I won't. [He smiles softly, resting his cheek against the side of Kokichi's head.] Promise.
[...Kokichi means figuratively, right? Shuichi likes him and all but he doesn't want to have the crazy little gremlin glued to his hip constantly.]
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Thank you.
[Hey, you don't mind if he stays like this for a little longer, do you? Just soak up every little bit of comfort he can before it inevitably has to end...which may be sooner, rather than later, as after about a minute of just nice, relaxing quiet, Kokichi yawns. And that gets him to sit back a little in Shuichi's lap, freeing his hands so he can wipe at his eyes and face with his sleeves.
He looks absolutely drained now, everything heavy and ready for a nap or something... Not surprising, he never has emotional outbursts like that, so they're pretty tiring.]
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[When the leader pulls back to start wiping at his face, however, Shuichi does reach over for the tissue box to offer it to him.]
Here.
[Don't use your sleeves, that's gross.]
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...I don't know what I'd do without you here, y'know...?
[He sounds tired as he says it, but it's loud enough to make sure Shuichi could hear him. No whispers or mumbles. And it's actually followed by a chuckle, though there's no real amusement in it.]
Probably end up dead again.
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[He'd mention that Kokichi would still have Kaede but...she could only help him so much with this. She just wasn't there for most of the killing game, even if she can almost certainly relate to the feeling of doing something terrible that you can never forgive yourself for.]
[He gives Kokichi a few more moments of relaxing before nudging him gently.]
Come on, you should go lie down before you fall asleep. The bed is more comfortable than I am.
[Also Shuichi himself is starting to get a little uncomfortable since he...still has one leg tucked underneath him. Kinda hurts a little bit. He didn't really get a chance to shift into a more comfortable position when Kokichi crawled into his lap...he was too concerned with getting the tissues out of the way.]
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...you're...still willing to do whatever I want you to, if I need something...?
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Ah...! [He shakes his foot a little bit, completely oblivious to whatever debate Kokichi is having over by his bed. Until the other boy starts talking to him again, that is?] Hm? Oh, right. Yes, I am.
[He doesn't add the "within reason" this time because hopefully that goes without saying by now. Plus, with Kokichi in a rare serious mood, he's pretty sure he's not going to ask him anything ridiculous.]
What do you need?
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Can... [It's okay to ask. He said it's okay, and things are okay between you two, so it's okay to ask!!
....]
Just. Just stand up for me for a minute.
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eventually i will have an icon that's a look of mild surprise instead of near-heart attack shock...
should i make you some while i'm making some kokichi ones??
nah, just kick my butt into working on my manga coloring
okay!!!
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