diffidentive

[It's okay, he wouldn't want you to pretend something like that. Even if he whimpers a little when it's pointed out, shoulders hunching some. He blows like he's told to, hanging his head just a little more afterward. Both because he...is having a hard time believing him. Or not believing him, but more accepting what he's saying as true. But also because he's...really pathetic. Needing Shuichi to dry his eyes and help him blow his nose...but he doesn't stop him either, because it's nice. It's nice, getting this kind of attention from someone...gives him this tiny, minuscule little happy feeling deep down, under all of the awful feelings he's struggling with right now. And isn't that kind of pathetic too?]

Edited 2018-03-04 22:21 (UTC)

[Yeah, it's a little pathetic but it's Shuichi. It's not like he can judge, he's pretty pathetic in general.]

[Though, okay, eventually you are going to have to start drying your own eyes and blowing your own nose, buddy. He's not going to keep this up the whole time because you're not actually five.]

But that's all over now. I'm not saying you should forget everything that happened, or even that you have to forgive yourself for what you did but...you don't have to keep beating yourself up like this. You know what you did wrong, you clearly regret it, and you're learning from it, right? You're trying not to be that person anymore. That's all anyone can do, Oma-kun.

Edited 2018-03-04 22:45 (UTC)

[He manages a soft, stuttered hum in reply, but...clearly isn't fully convinced by that. Or by something, at least. But listening to the detective talk and having him take care of him like that for a little bit at least was able to calm his sobbing down to just silent tears. And after a few moments he reaches out for a tissue of his own, needing to blow his nose again.]

I...don't know what else to do, Saihara-chan. I don't know what to do with myself...

[This is why he's still apologizing, and feels like he needs to even more. Even though Shuichi said it was okay...

Finally he looks up at his friend, rubbing at one of his eyes a little to dry it again as he continues talking.]

I've never...done anything like that before. Something so unforgivable. I can't stand myself anymore, Saihara-chan. I keep...I keep wanting to lie, to tell myself that that wasn't me. It was a clone, or an evil twin, or me from the mirrorverse. Something else. Someone else...that I didn't do anything like that. That I'm not a monster or a villain or anything but...

[Again he glances down towards his lap, a fresh wave of tears spilling down his cheeks.]

I can't. And it hurts so much. I've never, ever felt like this before. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be awake but I just have nightmares about everything when I sleep. Everyone dying, everyone reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and nobody wants me around, that it's all my fault. D.I.C.E. will be so disappointed, they'll feel so betrayed. They won't want me as their leader or even their friend anymore. Everyone else will hate me, and won't want to be around me, if they don't already. I'll have you and Akamatsu-chan but I don't even deserve that. B-but I don't want to be alone, either. I should be alone, I deserve to be, but I'm selfish and I don't want that.

[Taking another tissue, Kokichi draws his knees up to his chest, sniffling and hiccuping as he works on his cheeks and eyes.]

Why am I even here...I don't deserve this. Why couldn't it have been someone else? I'm...I'm sorry it was me. I know you said not to apologize but I don't know what else to do or say or anything so I'm sorry.

["Everyone dying, everyone reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and nobody wants me around..."]

[Shuichi's eyes widen slightly and he raises a hand to his mouth in horror as a memory spoken in own voice floats to the front of his mind, freezing his insides.]

["Momota-kun always has us by his side, see? But no one wants to be around you. You're alone, Oma-kun. And you always will be."]

[And now it's Shuichi's turn to have guilt claw at his insides. The aftermath of that trial had been so painful, he'd spent all his time trying not to think about it. And whenever he DID think about it, it was never those words. It was the way Kokichi had looked as he laughed about Gonta's death, or the way Kaito had spat out his name while refusing to look at him. It was always his own pain, or the pain of the collective group...never the pain that he had almost certainly caused Kokichi.]

[At the time, he hadn't thought anything of it...he'd completely meant what he said and he didn't care how it made Kokichi feel. At that point, he hadn't been sure if Kokichi was even capable of feeling anything other than a perverse sense of malice. But now that he knows the truth, now that he knows just how much Kokichi actually hates being alone...]

[He suddenly understands why Kokichi had trailed off after that...why he'd claimed that they were boring him and left as quickly as possible. Those words had genuinely hurt him...perhaps enough that he couldn't trust himself to keep up his guise of malicious evil.]

Oma-kun, I...I'm sorry. [Has he been holding onto those words this whole time? He must have, if he's come to the conclusion that he, not only will be alone, but deserves to be alone.] You don't deserve to be alone, and I'm s-sorry for saying that you always will be and that nobody wants to be around you. I... I should have realized it sooner, but I didn't even think...

[A lot happened after that trial, even before the three of them wound up here. It's really no surprise that that one conversation slipped his mind. And even if that's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why he hadn't spared that conversation a second, retrospective thought...it just feels like an excuse.]

[He was confused, at first, as to why Shuichi would be apologizing to him. What could he possibly apologize for? He'd never done anything wrong to him, after all. But then he continues, and the leader's breath hitches, throat closing as he listens. He has to look away from him, arms leaving his legs to clutch at his own shoulders instead, hugging himself tight.

Yes, he has been holding onto those words this whole time.

And he shakes his head immediately when it seems like the detective is done, squeezing his eyes shut again as more tears leak down his cheeks.]

N-no, you-- [A shuddered breath in and out.] You were r-right. You were right. After everything I've done...wh-who could possibly want to be around someone like me? P-people tolerate me at best. For so long I've only ever had D.I.C.E...I-- even... [He bites his lip, then shakes his head again.]

Nobody wants me, a-and now that. That I've not only hurt people but killed them too? Now even they won't...want to be around me. A-and nobody will forgive me. I can't even forgive myself, s-so how could anyone else--our friends, how could they forgive me? How could they want me around? I'm obnoxious at best, I'm crazy, I-I--

[Again he can't make it through what he's saying, once again interrupted by a sob. This time, though, his crying is much louder. Full of despair and pain. This has been something he's dwelled and brooded over for so long, the thing that's made it hard to fully trust Shuichi, something that haunts his nightmares every time he sleeps. He completely believes this is the truth of his situation. The detective had said it with such conviction...he'd meant every word of it. And he'd seen the results afterward, just backing up that statement.

Of course, he had never planned on living through the consequences. A slow, excruciating death, the kind of death someone like him deserves...he would suffer that and that would be the end of it. But now...]

[Shuichi, of course, has an argument for this. Yes, he had meant every word of what he'd said then. And he still stands by it, even now. But...there are factors now that complicate the situation, that alter his opinion in a way...]

[What would Kaede do in this situation? Or even Kaito, if this were anyone other than Kokichi. The two of them so much better at this sort of thing than he is. Shuichi just wants to explain himself, to calmly and rationally refute what Kokichi is saying and show him exactly HOW he's wrong. Show him why things aren't as straightforward as they seem. But with the other in this state...that's not really an option. No matter how sound and rational his argument is, chances are high that Kokichi won't process a word of it.]

[Kaede and Kaito always made him feel strong when he was at his weakest...assured when he was directionless and lost...hopeful when he could only feel despair...]

[How can he do that same thing, now, for Kokichi?]

......

[Slowly, Shuichi leans forward and wraps his arms around the smaller boy. This definitely isn't the approach Kaito would take, but it's better to emulate Kaede in this situation, he thinks. Kaito's usual method of dealing with Kokichi is to ignore him and that...that's definitely not the right answer. He's not sure that was ever the right answer.]

[It's not really the best hug, given that Kokichi is already hugging himself but it's a hug, at least. One that he intends to maintain until Kokichi either calms down or pushes him away, whichever happens first.]

Edited 2018-03-06 00:29 (UTC)

[Again his breath stops - everything stops, his breath, his crying, even his heart for a couple beats - as he processes what's going on. But it's only a moment before he almost collapses into the hug. The leader unfurls, arms reaching forward to wrap around him and clutch almost desperately at anything he can. It's probably no surprise, considering all the cuddling they've done before, that physical contact and attention is the most comforting thing you can give him, and it's made even more obvious with this.

Because he's almost pulled himself into Shuichi's lap, wanting nothing more than to be held right now. He's still crying so...sorry for that, especially as he's burying his face into the detective's shoulder. And sorry that he's just ignoring the tissues that were in his lap, too, but...this is all he could ever want, right now. Well, aside from forgiveness, but the words just aren't as comforting as this. They don't make him feel as safe as this does, feel as though everything could possibly be okay.

This was definitely the right move, Shuichi. It'll take a little bit, a sob of "Saihara-chan" and a couple stuttered apologies, but eventually the crying slows and his breath starts to even out a little...the smaller just left trembling in his hold, hiccuping every now and then, fingers still tightly wound into the fabric of his shirt.]

[There's a slightly pained groan as a corner of the tissue box kind of stabs Shuichi in the gut. Apparently that was not the best place for the tissues after all, hold on he needs let go for a second so he can move that before it happens again. There we go, that's better.]

[But other than that, Shuichi doesn't make a sound. He just holds the smaller boy in his lap and lets him cry all over his shirt. It's just a shirt for training anyway, who cares if it gets tears and snot on it. It's not like it isn't already a little sweaty, anyway. He does pat his back a few times though. Gently, hopefully reassuringly.]

[It's not until Kokichi has calmed down considerably that Shuichi finally speaks, still keeping his arms wrapped around him.]

I was half right, Oma-kun. After everything you did back then...you did deserve to be alone. The way you toyed with us and laughed at us...nobody would want to be friends with someone so heartless, you barely even seemed human at the time.

[Pure malice. You looked like malice given a human form.]

But...that Oma-kun was a lie, wasn't he? And you said it yourself...lies are infinite possibilities, right? That's not really who you are at all, even if you can convincingly act that way. So...I'm not going to take what I said back, not really. But I am going to apologize for it; I'm going to apologize to the Oma-kun who's here right now. Because he doesn't deserve to be alone, even if he made some really terrible decisions and mistakes that even he can't forgive himself for.

[He's quiet as he listens, still clutching to him and leaning his head against his shoulder. This time, when Shuichi's done, there's no argument. He doesn't disagree, he doesn't fight him on it...partially because he's too tired to, partially because he wants to believe him even if before he was so sure the detective was right, that he would be alone...

Mostly, though, it's because when it's worded like that, it makes it easier to believe and accept. When it's labeled with truths and lies...

He pulls himself closer, arms tightening around the detective some as he nods his head, just a little. The crying that he thought had finally quit starts up again, but it's not the same agonized sobs this time. This time it's something calmer, sad but grateful. Though...even if he's accepting this, and believing it...]

...please don't...ever leave me alone again, Saihara-chan. I promise I won't ever give you a reason to so...please.

[He still has to ask, to plead with him, just for the extra peace of mind.]

Please.

[Once again, Shuichi can't help but wonder if things would have gone differently had they not collectively ignored Kokichi during the game. Kaito had been so sure that that was the right thing to do, and yet...he'd been so wrong. That much is obvious to Shuichi now.]

I won't. [He smiles softly, resting his cheek against the side of Kokichi's head.] Promise.

[...Kokichi means figuratively, right? Shuichi likes him and all but he doesn't want to have the crazy little gremlin glued to his hip constantly.]

[If he were in a better mood, he'd probably tease him with that. Something about handcuffing himself to the detective, most likely, and he's not exactly safe from this later once he's recovered. But yes, he means figuratively, don't worry.]

Thank you.

[Hey, you don't mind if he stays like this for a little longer, do you? Just soak up every little bit of comfort he can before it inevitably has to end...which may be sooner, rather than later, as after about a minute of just nice, relaxing quiet, Kokichi yawns. And that gets him to sit back a little in Shuichi's lap, freeing his hands so he can wipe at his eyes and face with his sleeves.

He looks absolutely drained now, everything heavy and ready for a nap or something... Not surprising, he never has emotional outbursts like that, so they're pretty tiring.]

[Judging by the fact that he doesn't try and force Kokichi out of his lap or tell him to get up...he doesn't seem to mind. He's not going anywhere, it's fine.]

[When the leader pulls back to start wiping at his face, however, Shuichi does reach over for the tissue box to offer it to him.]

Here.

[Don't use your sleeves, that's gross.]

[Another quiet thank you as he takes a couple, using those instead. He blows his nose once, curling the tissue tight into his hand afterward and then going back to leaning against his shoulder. He wraps his arms around just one of Shuichi's now, rather than around the boy himself, but still rests his head against the crook between his shoulder and neck again. Quiet, shoulders and body slowly relaxing against him, unwinding...]

...I don't know what I'd do without you here, y'know...?

[He sounds tired as he says it, but it's loud enough to make sure Shuichi could hear him. No whispers or mumbles. And it's actually followed by a chuckle, though there's no real amusement in it.]

Probably end up dead again.

Well...luckily, you'll never have to find out.

[He'd mention that Kokichi would still have Kaede but...she could only help him so much with this. She just wasn't there for most of the killing game, even if she can almost certainly relate to the feeling of doing something terrible that you can never forgive yourself for.]

[He gives Kokichi a few more moments of relaxing before nudging him gently.]

Come on, you should go lie down before you fall asleep. The bed is more comfortable than I am.

[Also Shuichi himself is starting to get a little uncomfortable since he...still has one leg tucked underneath him. Kinda hurts a little bit. He didn't really get a chance to shift into a more comfortable position when Kokichi crawled into his lap...he was too concerned with getting the tissues out of the way.]

[He hums a little at that with a nod, and then hums again when Shuichi suggests lying down. It takes just a little more effort than it should to get up and out of his lap, moving towards the bed without any fight but stopping at the end of the couch. Turning around, he gives the detective a thoughtful, tired look. His eyelids are already drooping, arms just kind of hanging limply at his sides, definitely tired...and then he glances back at the bed and away from him, bringing up a hand to chew on his thumb a little, debating something.]

...you're...still willing to do whatever I want you to, if I need something...?

[As soon as Kokichi is out of his lap, Shuichi shifts to free his trapped leg...which is now kind of starting to fall asleep. Fun.]

Ah...! [He shakes his foot a little bit, completely oblivious to whatever debate Kokichi is having over by his bed. Until the other boy starts talking to him again, that is?] Hm? Oh, right. Yes, I am.

[He doesn't add the "within reason" this time because hopefully that goes without saying by now. Plus, with Kokichi in a rare serious mood, he's pretty sure he's not going to ask him anything ridiculous.]

What do you need?

[Definitely not going to ask him anything ridiculous. Though at first it seems like he might not actually ask for whatever he wants either, just sitting in silence, chewing on his lip a little now. But eventually he face his friend.]

Can... [It's okay to ask. He said it's okay, and things are okay between you two, so it's okay to ask!!

....]

Just. Just stand up for me for a minute.

[Shuichi quirks a brow but does as asked, wobbling a little bit thanks to the numb, tingling sensation now spreading slowly up his leg.]

[But okay, he's standing. Now what?]

[Now he's going to step forward, before he has a chance to change his mind, and wrap his arms around the detective's chest, burying his face in his shoulder. With a little squeeze and everything! He wants a hug...a proper, not snotty and gross hug...]

[It takes Shuichi a few seconds to realize that Kokichi probably wants him to return the hug, at which point he raises his arms to do just that.]

[There you go. A nice, proper, not snotty but still maybe a little gross because Shuichi is a little sweaty hug.]

[He really doesn't care about the sweat, just sighing into and leaning against him a little. He nuzzles his cheek against him a little, enjoying it immensely, though doesn't drag it out.

But even when he does back off, he's seemingly not done with Shuichi. He drops his hands to take both of the detective's in his own, taking a few steps back towards the bed and tugging him along with him.]

Will you...at least sit with me? Until I fall asleep? You don't have to stay with me the whole time or anything...though I...wouldn't mind it if you did...

[Look, he actually asked this time. Look at him go! He struggled a little, mumbling the last part, but he's close enough that Shuichi could probably hear him...]

[Shuichi quirks a brow as Kokichi starts tugging at his hands, though he doesn't move immediately. Whatcha doin there, buddy? Oh. That's what.]

[He nods.]

I still need to finish my training, but I'll sit with you until you fall asleep and then again once I'm done.

[And after he takes a shower and changes out of his gross training clothes.]

[It's not much of a smile, but the little one he gives Shuichi is still more of a smile than he's had this entire time. Letting go of one of his hands, he uses the other to continue pulling him after him, heading towards the bed so he can crawl into it. And while he climbs under the covers without any fuss, he stays sitting up, watching the detective expectantly.

Okay, your turn!!!]

Edited 2018-03-07 15:44 (UTC)

[While Kokichi gets comfortable, Shuichi takes a moment to shake his leg a few more times to try and wake his foot back up. It...sort of helps. A little bit.]

[He doesn't get under the covers, but Shuichi takes a seat next to Kokichi just as promised. Now go to sleep you little weirdo.]

[He doesn't lay down immediately, just glancing down at Shuichi's leg.

...he's not feeling great, still, but it's about time he hit the reset button on his feelings he thinks. So he forces a smile onto his face and points at his leg.]

Pins and needles?

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eventually i will have an icon that's a look of mild surprise instead of near-heart attack shock...

should i make you some while i'm making some kokichi ones??

nah, just kick my butt into working on my manga coloring

okay!!!

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