Maybe I can find your room too~ I'll have to figure out where you guys live at some point. I could even make it into a game! It'll be like Russian Roulette, except I probably won't die picking the wrong doors. Or the right ones!
[No comment on getting shot down. That's just to be expected.]
Oh man, if I do it in the middle of the night, it'll be even more entertaining.
[He's not too far away from his room now, keeping a sort of leisurely pace. Not that he particularly cares for who gets there first, nor is he trying to make Shuichi wait or anything. Just...steeling himself. Making sure everything he wants to say is clear before he gets to the point of actually saying it all...]
You mean interrupting people having sex? Or doing some other weird, kinky thing? Yeah probably, but that's totally fun in its own way! You're so cute, Saihara-chan, trying to find such a nice way to put it like that. ☆~~ヾ(>▽<)ﾉ｡･☆
Oh my god Saihara-chan did you really just send me that? I can't breathe!
[He's laughing so hard right now. Thank god he'd just made it to his room, so it's not like there are a ton of people around or anything. Holy shit he is going to die though, that's so good.]
I LOVE whoever invented think texting! Forget cute, you're downright adorable!
[At...at least, by the time Shuichi gets there, Kokichi will have quieted his laughing. Just a few stray chuckles at him when he walks up.......]
Oh man, I feel honored right now. I mean seriously so #blessed that I got to be your first conversation. Guess you should too, I'm sure any misfire you'd send to Akamatsu-chan would be so much more embarrassing than that. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. Just think of me as a tutorial character or something, they never tell anyone about all the embarrassing mistakes the protag makes while trying to figure things out. Even the mean ones. ヾ(*ゝω・*)ノ
[He very nearly makes the same mistake again, because just what is that supposed to mean, Kokichi? That any misfire he'd send to Kaede would be more embarrassing?]
[But this time, he manages to delete it instead of send it. Because he knows exactly what Kokichi was getting at there, and he's not about to feed the troll.]
[In fact, he doesn't send another text response at all. Instead, the next thing Kokichi will hear from the detective is his hand knocking on the outside of his door.]
[Smart move, detective. He was hoping he might make the same mistake twice, but isn't disappointed when he doesn't. He shouldn't be laughing at him during this meeting, right? Right. So it's for the better in the end.
He's quick to answer the door once there's a knock, peeking out before opening it all the way to make sure it's actually Shuichi. He's welcomed into the home easily enough, Kokichi stepping out of the way to let him inside. And the inside is...
...very clean. Almost looks like it hasn't really been lived in, aside from a pillow and blanket on the couch and some snack wrappers left on the coffee table in front of it. There's also something folded up sitting on the arm of the couch furthest from the door as well. It's a pretty familiar shade of purple...]
Here, you can just sit or stand wherever. It doesn't matter to me.
[He'll just wait for him to step in so he can close the door.]
[Shuichi steps inside and moves out of the way of the door. He doesn't sit down, but rather stays standing a little ways inside the cabin.]
[One look is all it takes for Shuichi to know that Kokichi has probably only been in this room once, maybe twice since he arrived. Because it doesn't look like a hurricane blew threw it.]
[Vaguely, he wonders how long it's going to stay like this. Or if Kokichi is just going to permanently move to his "lair" and never come back here at all.]
[But it's the folded up something that catches his attention and keeps it. Why...would that be here? He'd already looked through the address book in his communicator for the rest of their classmates. Kaito isn't here. None of them are. So how...]
[He doesn't comment on the fact that he doesn't sit down, slipping past him to address that folded up something. Or well, pick it up anyway, holding it between his arms.]
I woke up with it. You're wondering why it's here, right?
[He comes to stand in front of the detective, fingering the fabric a little and looking down at it.]
I didn't have my usual shirt, and instead was just dressed in my pants and with this around my shoulders. I figured it's because that's what I was technically "wearing" when I died. You know how some stories say your body in the afterlife is exactly how it is the moment you died? Though...
[He's not so sure that's the case anymore. He's not going to get into that just yet however, shaking his head a little and holding the coat out to Shuichi.]
Nevermind, we can talk about that later. I know he'd want you to have it way more than me, so...here. I just feel bad owning it with you here.
[It's...surprising, that this is the reason Kokichi called him here. Something so genuine and heartfelt is...rare, coming from him. Unexpected. especially so, considering how unpredictable Kokichi is by default.]
[It takes him a few moments to actually take the jacket from Kokichi's hands. And for a few moments more, all he can do is stare silently at it, with a melancholy expression on his face.]
[Are you lonely?]
[Yeah, lonely.]
[His grip tightens a little on the fabric as that same feeling of loneliness that had followed Kaito's trial washes over him again. Intensified this time, since it makes him think of Maki as well.]
[And Himiko, Keebo. Gonta...all of them. All their dead friends who somehow didn't end up her with them. It both warms and hurts his heart at the same time.]
...thank you, Oma-kun.
[His voice is quiet and a little sad but completely genuine. He's not just humoring Kokichi or being polite for the sake of being polite. He's truly grateful, not just for the jacket, but for the gesture itself.]
[Don't look like that...not that he doesn't understand why Shuichi has that expression, but he wasn't aiming to hurt the poor detective. But...then again, why wouldn't it? None of his other friends are here. He only has Kaede, so he's probably pretty lonely...]
When...ever you're ready, I wanted to talk to you about a few things too. About stuff from the killing game, and about some things I figured out about this place too.
[Oh, now is fine huh? Well...alright. Hesitating, he shakes his head.]
Not just yet. It'd be better to stay standing for this. If you still want to talk afterward then we will.
[He stands up a little straighter, facing the detective, and takes a deep breath...and then bows, just as deeply and apologetically as he can, keeping his eyes on the floor. Okay, just say it how you've been practicing this whole time, Kokichi.]
About the killing game...I want to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I acted and what I did during that. I know that a lot of the things I said were unacceptable, and...killing Iruma-chan, Gonta and Momota-chan is unforgivable. I'm sorry that...my trial had ended up just causing trouble and grief, rather than anything else. I know I wasn't aware of Shirogane and whatever team she'd been apart of at the time, but still. I'm sorry.
I won't apologize for lying and I won't apologize completely for being uncooperative, because I won't apologize for who I am. But I know and understand that there are lies and trouble that I caused that I do need to apologize for. There's so much that I am sorry for, Saihara-chan, that I don't know where to start, and I don't know if you want to hear me list them all. I promise though, I know that those things are there. And if you want, I will apologize for every last one of them. I just don't want to waste your time, especially since I'm sure you don't want me around. Which I understand, too, so please stop being civil on my behalf.
[There's no need to pussy foot around it. No need for Shuichi to be civil to him just because Kaede is there, no need to tolerate him...surely he's growing tired of that, no matter how nice he is. So he may as well let him know that...it's okay to not like him or not want him around. He knows and understands.
Another deep breath, one that shudders a little as it's let out.]
I'm not asking for forgiveness, because I know I don't have the right to be forgiven and I don't deserve it. I won't ask for forgiveness, from you or anyone else. [Meaning he plans on apologizing to them too? If they ever show up...] I just...I just wanted you to know.
[He's not the best at apologies, but he's trying. He's...pretty sure he did that right? He falls completely silent after that, waiting for Shuichi's reply. He doesn't stand up straight again, holding his position, though his hands have started to tremble just a little.
He's sure Shuichi is going to tell him that nothing is okay, and that he should leave the two of them alone...he wouldn't blame him if he did. Or maybe he won't even believe him at all. Wouldn't that be painfully ironic...but he's willing to do whatever it takes to prove his sincerity, so if that ends up being the case then...he'll get down on the floor. He'll get a hot plate and kneel on that. He'll slit his stomach open, if he has to...]
[If what Kokichi had said and done earlier with the coat was surprising, then what he's doing right now is downright mind-blowing. Mind-numbing, even. Because in all the time he's known Kokichi (which admittedly isn't really all THAT long, when you get right down to it), he can't remember a time where the leader ever apologized for something.]
[Not sincerely, at least. He's said the word "sorry" plenty of times, but it was almost always mockingly so, never truly apologetic. Oops, sorry! I forgot. I lied again! Kokichi has always been one to do and say whatever he wants without ever showing remorse or shame.]
[But this is different. This...this is genuine. He still may not fully understand Kokichi, and it's possible he never will but of this much, he's certain.]
[Kokichi means every word he just said.]
......
[Shuichi is completely silent, even minutes after the apology has ended. He hasn't moved an inch, nor has he taken his eyes off the back of Kokichi's head. But, eventually...]
...I'm not being civil on your behalf.
[This isn't really the point he wanted to start with, because it's not even close to the most important thing Kokichi said but...it's the only point Shuichi actually knows how to address right now. And he can't just stand there and stare forever, he has to start somewhere.]
[The entire time Shuichi was staring, Kokichi stayed still. Even held his breath, though he's not sure exactly when that started, just that he finally let it out once the detective said something. But...that's not what he was expecting to hear at all. Maybe he would accept his apology, more likely he wouldn't and tell him to leave, but...]
...of course you are. Or maybe you're being civil for Akamatsu-chan's sake, or even your own, but...that's not the point. You don't have to be, no matter why you're doing it.
[Even as he says this, he stays bowed. He wants to look at Shuichi when he talks, but his apology hadn't been accepted nor had the detective told him to stand up yet.]
If you want to be short with me you can be. Or if you just want to ignore me and pretend I don't exist. I get it, it's okay.
No, I'm not. [His tone is more clipped this time, partially out of annoyance but mostly in an attempt to sound more assertive. Because he means it, he really does.] And I think...that's something I just might know a little better than you.
[Considering it's...y'know. His feelings they're talking about here.]
[But okay, fine. If Kokichi is going to be like that and not take his word for it, he'll just have to show him. The detective inhales softly through his nose, closing his eyes for one more moment of thought before opening them again.]
Stand up, Oma-kun.
[First things first: he doesn't want to talk to the back of your head.]
[A part of him wants to argue further, because maybe he doesn't know that better than Shuichi does himself, but he remembers what it was like before his death. To go from that to someone who apparently isn't just being civil with him is just...uncomfortable. But he holds his tongue, because he doesn't want to argue with him. That's not why he wanted to meet with him...
He stands up as he's told, giving the detective his attention for a few moments before dropping his gaze to the floor. He honestly isn't sure what to expect now, or how to really feel about this. He was fully prepared for rejection, but...no, he's just getting his hopes up, thinking that's not eventually coming, isn't he?
Ugh...uncertainty is usually such a fun thing, but right now he really hates it.]
[Okay but...in fairness, Kokichi was purposefully trying to get Shuichi and the others to be mad at him and hate him before he died. And it worked, obviously. But then he died and between Kaito and Tsumugi, a lot of facts came to light. Facts that painted a different truth and changed Shuichi's opinion.]
[But even so...for a brief moment as Kokichi stands back up, an image flashes unbidden through Shuichi's mind. Because while not exactly the same, this situation is horribly similar to the end of one trial in particular. And for that brief moment, he fears that he was wrong. That Kokichi wasn't being genuine. That once he stands up completely, Shuichi would once again be staring into the eyes of a being of pure, unfettered malice. That he'd hear that old, familiar taunt It's a lie!]
[But he isn't and he doesn't. When Kokichi stands up he's...still Kokichi. Though with an expression of genuine weakness that's every bit as unexpected and strange as the apology that preceded it. But it only makes him all the more certain that he was right. That, for once, this isn't a lie. It's the truth.]
It's true that I'm not happy about some of-- Most of [May as well not beat around the bush here.] the things you did to stop the killing game. But that doesn't mean I want to pretend you don't exist. And I don't think that's really what you want either, or else you wouldn't be apologizing to me right now. Because if I ignore you or pretend you don't exist, then that means ignoring all your actions as well. You may not want or expect forgiveness, but I'm pretty sure you do want acknowledgement of both your actions and your apology.
[A beat.]
Though maybe I'm wrong. It's hard to know for sure what you want or what you're thinking, most of the time. But that's another topic completely...
[He closes his eyes and inhales through his nose again, clearly trying to figure out where to go next. He kind of derailed himself there a little bit, oops.]
I know it's pointless to bring it up now, but I wish...you had cooperated with us normally, even if that's not how a Supreme Leader prefers to do things. But I think some of the blame for that should fall on the rest of us as well. [Sure, Kokichi never really gave any of them a reason to like him but...he wasn't the only one. Thinking back on it now, if Kaito had done for Kokichi what he'd done for Maki...hell, if anyone had done that...would things have gone differently? If he, Maki, and Himiko were capable of changing, why not Kokichi too? Kaito had once told Himiko that the reason she was different than Kokichi was because she wanted to change and he didn't, but...maybe that was an unfair assumption on his part. On all their parts.] I know it's probably just going to annoy you to hear me say something this cliche but...I don't hate you. I hate what you did, and I despise the game that pushed you-- pushed all of us, really-- into doing things we normally wouldn't dream of in order to survive.
That doesn't excuse the things you're apologizing for, nor does it make them acceptable, but...it does make them possible to forgive and your apology possible to accept.
[Possible. There's an important caveat there that he's presumably going to elaborate on in a minute, but first he seems to be giving Kokichi a chance to let all that sink in and comment on it if he wants.]
[It...is a little annoying to hear, but not really because it's cliche. He just takes issue with that whole kind of belief. It's like with Kaede on the first day. "It's coming from a good place" doesn't make it okay, but then Shuichi continues and eases that annoyance a little.
Because, at least, he's not excusing those things blindly the way he had with Kaede.
Kokichi curls his fingers into the hem of his sleeves, looking for something to hold onto as he takes a breath and forces himself to meet Shuichi's gaze again.]
...possible?
[That's the only comment he has. Because...the detective isn't wrong. He doesn't want to be ignored. He doesn't want to be hated, or even disliked beyond what he'd naturally expect for how annoying he knows he is. He wants to be his friend...both of their friend...he's expecting the worst kind of response. That the thing that would make these things possible would be like..."stop lying forever" or something...please don't ask him that, Shuichi. Please don't make this "possible" impossible for him...]
[Okay, but...it's a little easier to blindly excuse selfishness than it is to blindly excuse three counts of manipula-murder. You can't really compare the two.]
[Anyway, luckily for Kokichi "stop lying forever" wasn't what Shuichi had in mind. He nods, giving an affirmative little hum along with it. Yes, possible. You heard him right.]
The more we learned after your trial, the more apparent it became to me that you... you only did most of what you did because of the situation. Like I said, it's not enough to condone your actions. Because ultimately, you still made the choice to go through with them, but...it's not fair to ignore the circumstances entirely and condemn you either. Especially since...you're owning up to it and you're genuinely sorry.
[They wouldn't be having this conversation if he wasn't. Kokichi wouldn't have initiated this conversation, without prompting, if he wasn't. For once, he's telling the complete and total truth about something. For once, he's expressing genuine emotion without trying to cover it up with a lie or a smile or crocodile tears. It's weird...but nice. And for that, Shuichi maintains eye contact. The other boy deserve that much respect.]
Because of that, I can forgive you for...most of what you did. [Weirdly, it's Miu's death he's having the most trouble forgiving. That whole situation was just...completely unavoidable. Gonta and Miu could have survived with them if he'd just...told them what Miu was planning to do. They could have worked through that... But what's done is done, there's no changing what happened.] And I can accept your apology, provided this...isn't all there is to it. I'm not trying to say it's inadequate, because I know this wasn't easy for you and just owning up to something like this is a huge step. But...if nothing changes after this, if you just go right back to doing these same kinds of things...
[It's a problem. A big problem. But the way he emphasizes nothing seems to imply he's not expecting a complete change of character here. Just for Kokichi to cut out those "unacceptable things" that he did. Learn a lesson, basically. That's what he wants to see.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
diffidentive) wrote2017-11-13 11:58 am
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I don't think that's going to happen.
[Sorry, Kokichi.]
I also don't think you should go around knocking on everyone's door...
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I'll have to figure out where you guys live at some point.
I could even make it into a game!
It'll be like Russian Roulette, except I probably won't die picking the wrong doors.
Or the right ones!
[No comment on getting shot down. That's just to be expected.]
Oh man, if I do it in the middle of the night, it'll be even more entertaining.
[He's not too far away from his room now, keeping a sort of leisurely pace. Not that he particularly cares for who gets there first, nor is he trying to make Shuichi wait or anything. Just...steeling himself. Making sure everything he wants to say is clear before he gets to the point of actually saying it all...]
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I'm not sure "entertaining" is the word you should be using for that...
You'd probably be
[The message cuts off abruptly, and it's a few seconds before the next text comes through.]
Interrupting... Something... if you go around doing that at night.
And you can just ask us where our rooms are, you know.
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Or doing some other weird, kinky thing?
Yeah probably, but that's totally fun in its own way!
You're so cute, Saihara-chan, trying to find such a nice way to put it like that. ☆~~ヾ(>▽<)ﾉ｡･☆
1/3
2/3
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Ignore that! I don't actually want an answer to that question.
But yes, that's exactly what I was referring to.
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I can't breathe!
[He's laughing so hard right now. Thank god he'd just made it to his room, so it's not like there are a ton of people around or anything. Holy shit he is going to die though, that's so good.]
I LOVE whoever invented think texting!
Forget cute, you're downright adorable!
[At...at least, by the time Shuichi gets there, Kokichi will have quieted his laughing. Just a few stray chuckles at him when he walks up.......]
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I'm still getting used to it...
[Honestly, it's...amazing that he made it this far into the conversation before making that mistake.]
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I mean seriously so #blessed that I got to be your first conversation.
Guess you should too, I'm sure any misfire you'd send to Akamatsu-chan would be so much more embarrassing than that.
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.
Just think of me as a tutorial character or something, they never tell anyone about all the embarrassing mistakes the protag makes while trying to figure things out.
Even the mean ones. ヾ(*ゝω・*)ノ
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[But this time, he manages to delete it instead of send it. Because he knows exactly what Kokichi was getting at there, and he's not about to feed the troll.]
[In fact, he doesn't send another text response at all. Instead, the next thing Kokichi will hear from the detective is his hand knocking on the outside of his door.]
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He's quick to answer the door once there's a knock, peeking out before opening it all the way to make sure it's actually Shuichi. He's welcomed into the home easily enough, Kokichi stepping out of the way to let him inside. And the inside is...
...very clean. Almost looks like it hasn't really been lived in, aside from a pillow and blanket on the couch and some snack wrappers left on the coffee table in front of it. There's also something folded up sitting on the arm of the couch furthest from the door as well. It's a pretty familiar shade of purple...]
Here, you can just sit or stand wherever. It doesn't matter to me.
[He'll just wait for him to step in so he can close the door.]
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[One look is all it takes for Shuichi to know that Kokichi has probably only been in this room once, maybe twice since he arrived. Because it doesn't look like a hurricane blew threw it.]
[Vaguely, he wonders how long it's going to stay like this. Or if Kokichi is just going to permanently move to his "lair" and never come back here at all.]
[But it's the folded up something that catches his attention and keeps it. Why...would that be here? He'd already looked through the address book in his communicator for the rest of their classmates. Kaito isn't here. None of them are. So how...]
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I woke up with it. You're wondering why it's here, right?
[He comes to stand in front of the detective, fingering the fabric a little and looking down at it.]
I didn't have my usual shirt, and instead was just dressed in my pants and with this around my shoulders. I figured it's because that's what I was technically "wearing" when I died. You know how some stories say your body in the afterlife is exactly how it is the moment you died? Though...
[He's not so sure that's the case anymore. He's not going to get into that just yet however, shaking his head a little and holding the coat out to Shuichi.]
Nevermind, we can talk about that later. I know he'd want you to have it way more than me, so...here. I just feel bad owning it with you here.
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[It takes him a few moments to actually take the jacket from Kokichi's hands. And for a few moments more, all he can do is stare silently at it, with a melancholy expression on his face.]
[Are you lonely?]
[Yeah, lonely.]
[His grip tightens a little on the fabric as that same feeling of loneliness that had followed Kaito's trial washes over him again. Intensified this time, since it makes him think of Maki as well.]
[And Himiko, Keebo. Gonta...all of them. All their dead friends who somehow didn't end up her with them. It both warms and hurts his heart at the same time.]
...thank you, Oma-kun.
[His voice is quiet and a little sad but completely genuine. He's not just humoring Kokichi or being polite for the sake of being polite. He's truly grateful, not just for the jacket, but for the gesture itself.]
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[Don't look like that...not that he doesn't understand why Shuichi has that expression, but he wasn't aiming to hurt the poor detective. But...then again, why wouldn't it? None of his other friends are here. He only has Kaede, so he's probably pretty lonely...]
When...ever you're ready, I wanted to talk to you about a few things too. About stuff from the killing game, and about some things I figured out about this place too.
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[Because they're on a fucking space station. That empty, lonely feeling is going to be following him around for a while.]
Mmm... [He nods, pulling the jacket in closer to his body.] Should we sit down, then?
[Okay, now's fine, apparently.]
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Not just yet. It'd be better to stay standing for this. If you still want to talk afterward then we will.
[He stands up a little straighter, facing the detective, and takes a deep breath...and then bows, just as deeply and apologetically as he can, keeping his eyes on the floor. Okay, just say it how you've been practicing this whole time, Kokichi.]
About the killing game...I want to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I acted and what I did during that. I know that a lot of the things I said were unacceptable, and...killing Iruma-chan, Gonta and Momota-chan is unforgivable. I'm sorry that...my trial had ended up just causing trouble and grief, rather than anything else. I know I wasn't aware of Shirogane and whatever team she'd been apart of at the time, but still. I'm sorry.
I won't apologize for lying and I won't apologize completely for being uncooperative, because I won't apologize for who I am. But I know and understand that there are lies and trouble that I caused that I do need to apologize for. There's so much that I am sorry for, Saihara-chan, that I don't know where to start, and I don't know if you want to hear me list them all. I promise though, I know that those things are there. And if you want, I will apologize for every last one of them. I just don't want to waste your time, especially since I'm sure you don't want me around. Which I understand, too, so please stop being civil on my behalf.
[There's no need to pussy foot around it. No need for Shuichi to be civil to him just because Kaede is there, no need to tolerate him...surely he's growing tired of that, no matter how nice he is. So he may as well let him know that...it's okay to not like him or not want him around. He knows and understands.
Another deep breath, one that shudders a little as it's let out.]
I'm not asking for forgiveness, because I know I don't have the right to be forgiven and I don't deserve it. I won't ask for forgiveness, from you or anyone else. [Meaning he plans on apologizing to them too? If they ever show up...] I just...I just wanted you to know.
[He's not the best at apologies, but he's trying. He's...pretty sure he did that right? He falls completely silent after that, waiting for Shuichi's reply. He doesn't stand up straight again, holding his position, though his hands have started to tremble just a little.
He's sure Shuichi is going to tell him that nothing is okay, and that he should leave the two of them alone...he wouldn't blame him if he did. Or maybe he won't even believe him at all. Wouldn't that be painfully ironic...but he's willing to do whatever it takes to prove his sincerity, so if that ends up being the case then...he'll get down on the floor. He'll get a hot plate and kneel on that. He'll slit his stomach open, if he has to...]
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[Not sincerely, at least. He's said the word "sorry" plenty of times, but it was almost always mockingly so, never truly apologetic. Oops, sorry! I forgot. I lied again! Kokichi has always been one to do and say whatever he wants without ever showing remorse or shame.]
[But this is different. This...this is genuine. He still may not fully understand Kokichi, and it's possible he never will but of this much, he's certain.]
[Kokichi means every word he just said.]
......
[Shuichi is completely silent, even minutes after the apology has ended. He hasn't moved an inch, nor has he taken his eyes off the back of Kokichi's head. But, eventually...]
...I'm not being civil on your behalf.
[This isn't really the point he wanted to start with, because it's not even close to the most important thing Kokichi said but...it's the only point Shuichi actually knows how to address right now. And he can't just stand there and stare forever, he has to start somewhere.]
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...of course you are. Or maybe you're being civil for Akamatsu-chan's sake, or even your own, but...that's not the point. You don't have to be, no matter why you're doing it.
[Even as he says this, he stays bowed. He wants to look at Shuichi when he talks, but his apology hadn't been accepted nor had the detective told him to stand up yet.]
If you want to be short with me you can be. Or if you just want to ignore me and pretend I don't exist. I get it, it's okay.
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[Considering it's...y'know. His feelings they're talking about here.]
[But okay, fine. If Kokichi is going to be like that and not take his word for it, he'll just have to show him. The detective inhales softly through his nose, closing his eyes for one more moment of thought before opening them again.]
Stand up, Oma-kun.
[First things first: he doesn't want to talk to the back of your head.]
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He stands up as he's told, giving the detective his attention for a few moments before dropping his gaze to the floor. He honestly isn't sure what to expect now, or how to really feel about this. He was fully prepared for rejection, but...no, he's just getting his hopes up, thinking that's not eventually coming, isn't he?
Ugh...uncertainty is usually such a fun thing, but right now he really hates it.]
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[But even so...for a brief moment as Kokichi stands back up, an image flashes unbidden through Shuichi's mind. Because while not exactly the same, this situation is horribly similar to the end of one trial in particular. And for that brief moment, he fears that he was wrong. That Kokichi wasn't being genuine. That once he stands up completely, Shuichi would once again be staring into the eyes of a being of pure, unfettered malice. That he'd hear that old, familiar taunt It's a lie!]
[But he isn't and he doesn't. When Kokichi stands up he's...still Kokichi. Though with an expression of genuine weakness that's every bit as unexpected and strange as the apology that preceded it. But it only makes him all the more certain that he was right. That, for once, this isn't a lie. It's the truth.]
It's true that I'm not happy about some of-- Most of [May as well not beat around the bush here.] the things you did to stop the killing game. But that doesn't mean I want to pretend you don't exist. And I don't think that's really what you want either, or else you wouldn't be apologizing to me right now. Because if I ignore you or pretend you don't exist, then that means ignoring all your actions as well. You may not want or expect forgiveness, but I'm pretty sure you do want acknowledgement of both your actions and your apology.
[A beat.]
Though maybe I'm wrong. It's hard to know for sure what you want or what you're thinking, most of the time. But that's another topic completely...
[He closes his eyes and inhales through his nose again, clearly trying to figure out where to go next. He kind of derailed himself there a little bit, oops.]
I know it's pointless to bring it up now, but I wish...you had cooperated with us normally, even if that's not how a Supreme Leader prefers to do things. But I think some of the blame for that should fall on the rest of us as well. [Sure, Kokichi never really gave any of them a reason to like him but...he wasn't the only one. Thinking back on it now, if Kaito had done for Kokichi what he'd done for Maki...hell, if anyone had done that...would things have gone differently? If he, Maki, and Himiko were capable of changing, why not Kokichi too? Kaito had once told Himiko that the reason she was different than Kokichi was because she wanted to change and he didn't, but...maybe that was an unfair assumption on his part. On all their parts.] I know it's probably just going to annoy you to hear me say something this cliche but...I don't hate you. I hate what you did, and I despise the game that pushed you-- pushed all of us, really-- into doing things we normally wouldn't dream of in order to survive.
That doesn't excuse the things you're apologizing for, nor does it make them acceptable, but...it does make them possible to forgive and your apology possible to accept.
[Possible. There's an important caveat there that he's presumably going to elaborate on in a minute, but first he seems to be giving Kokichi a chance to let all that sink in and comment on it if he wants.]
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Because, at least, he's not excusing those things blindly the way he had with Kaede.
Kokichi curls his fingers into the hem of his sleeves, looking for something to hold onto as he takes a breath and forces himself to meet Shuichi's gaze again.]
...possible?
[That's the only comment he has. Because...the detective isn't wrong. He doesn't want to be ignored. He doesn't want to be hated, or even disliked beyond what he'd naturally expect for how annoying he knows he is. He wants to be his friend...both of their friend...he's expecting the worst kind of response. That the thing that would make these things possible would be like..."stop lying forever" or something...please don't ask him that, Shuichi. Please don't make this "possible" impossible for him...]
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[Anyway, luckily for Kokichi "stop lying forever" wasn't what Shuichi had in mind. He nods, giving an affirmative little hum along with it. Yes, possible. You heard him right.]
The more we learned after your trial, the more apparent it became to me that you... you only did most of what you did because of the situation. Like I said, it's not enough to condone your actions. Because ultimately, you still made the choice to go through with them, but...it's not fair to ignore the circumstances entirely and condemn you either. Especially since...you're owning up to it and you're genuinely sorry.
[They wouldn't be having this conversation if he wasn't. Kokichi wouldn't have initiated this conversation, without prompting, if he wasn't. For once, he's telling the complete and total truth about something. For once, he's expressing genuine emotion without trying to cover it up with a lie or a smile or crocodile tears. It's weird...but nice. And for that, Shuichi maintains eye contact. The other boy deserve that much respect.]
Because of that, I can forgive you for...most of what you did. [Weirdly, it's Miu's death he's having the most trouble forgiving. That whole situation was just...completely unavoidable. Gonta and Miu could have survived with them if he'd just...told them what Miu was planning to do. They could have worked through that... But what's done is done, there's no changing what happened.] And I can accept your apology, provided this...isn't all there is to it. I'm not trying to say it's inadequate, because I know this wasn't easy for you and just owning up to something like this is a huge step. But...if nothing changes after this, if you just go right back to doing these same kinds of things...
[It's a problem. A big problem. But the way he emphasizes nothing seems to imply he's not expecting a complete change of character here. Just for Kokichi to cut out those "unacceptable things" that he did. Learn a lesson, basically. That's what he wants to see.]
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