[Oh, now is fine huh? Well...alright. Hesitating, he shakes his head.]
Not just yet. It'd be better to stay standing for this. If you still want to talk afterward then we will.
[He stands up a little straighter, facing the detective, and takes a deep breath...and then bows, just as deeply and apologetically as he can, keeping his eyes on the floor. Okay, just say it how you've been practicing this whole time, Kokichi.]
About the killing game...I want to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I acted and what I did during that. I know that a lot of the things I said were unacceptable, and...killing Iruma-chan, Gonta and Momota-chan is unforgivable. I'm sorry that...my trial had ended up just causing trouble and grief, rather than anything else. I know I wasn't aware of Shirogane and whatever team she'd been apart of at the time, but still. I'm sorry.
I won't apologize for lying and I won't apologize completely for being uncooperative, because I won't apologize for who I am. But I know and understand that there are lies and trouble that I caused that I do need to apologize for. There's so much that I am sorry for, Saihara-chan, that I don't know where to start, and I don't know if you want to hear me list them all. I promise though, I know that those things are there. And if you want, I will apologize for every last one of them. I just don't want to waste your time, especially since I'm sure you don't want me around. Which I understand, too, so please stop being civil on my behalf.
[There's no need to pussy foot around it. No need for Shuichi to be civil to him just because Kaede is there, no need to tolerate him...surely he's growing tired of that, no matter how nice he is. So he may as well let him know that...it's okay to not like him or not want him around. He knows and understands.
Another deep breath, one that shudders a little as it's let out.]
I'm not asking for forgiveness, because I know I don't have the right to be forgiven and I don't deserve it. I won't ask for forgiveness, from you or anyone else. [Meaning he plans on apologizing to them too? If they ever show up...] I just...I just wanted you to know.
[He's not the best at apologies, but he's trying. He's...pretty sure he did that right? He falls completely silent after that, waiting for Shuichi's reply. He doesn't stand up straight again, holding his position, though his hands have started to tremble just a little.
He's sure Shuichi is going to tell him that nothing is okay, and that he should leave the two of them alone...he wouldn't blame him if he did. Or maybe he won't even believe him at all. Wouldn't that be painfully ironic...but he's willing to do whatever it takes to prove his sincerity, so if that ends up being the case then...he'll get down on the floor. He'll get a hot plate and kneel on that. He'll slit his stomach open, if he has to...]
[If what Kokichi had said and done earlier with the coat was surprising, then what he's doing right now is downright mind-blowing. Mind-numbing, even. Because in all the time he's known Kokichi (which admittedly isn't really all THAT long, when you get right down to it), he can't remember a time where the leader ever apologized for something.]
[Not sincerely, at least. He's said the word "sorry" plenty of times, but it was almost always mockingly so, never truly apologetic. Oops, sorry! I forgot. I lied again! Kokichi has always been one to do and say whatever he wants without ever showing remorse or shame.]
[But this is different. This...this is genuine. He still may not fully understand Kokichi, and it's possible he never will but of this much, he's certain.]
[Kokichi means every word he just said.]
......
[Shuichi is completely silent, even minutes after the apology has ended. He hasn't moved an inch, nor has he taken his eyes off the back of Kokichi's head. But, eventually...]
...I'm not being civil on your behalf.
[This isn't really the point he wanted to start with, because it's not even close to the most important thing Kokichi said but...it's the only point Shuichi actually knows how to address right now. And he can't just stand there and stare forever, he has to start somewhere.]
[The entire time Shuichi was staring, Kokichi stayed still. Even held his breath, though he's not sure exactly when that started, just that he finally let it out once the detective said something. But...that's not what he was expecting to hear at all. Maybe he would accept his apology, more likely he wouldn't and tell him to leave, but...]
...of course you are. Or maybe you're being civil for Akamatsu-chan's sake, or even your own, but...that's not the point. You don't have to be, no matter why you're doing it.
[Even as he says this, he stays bowed. He wants to look at Shuichi when he talks, but his apology hadn't been accepted nor had the detective told him to stand up yet.]
If you want to be short with me you can be. Or if you just want to ignore me and pretend I don't exist. I get it, it's okay.
No, I'm not. [His tone is more clipped this time, partially out of annoyance but mostly in an attempt to sound more assertive. Because he means it, he really does.] And I think...that's something I just might know a little better than you.
[Considering it's...y'know. His feelings they're talking about here.]
[But okay, fine. If Kokichi is going to be like that and not take his word for it, he'll just have to show him. The detective inhales softly through his nose, closing his eyes for one more moment of thought before opening them again.]
Stand up, Oma-kun.
[First things first: he doesn't want to talk to the back of your head.]
[A part of him wants to argue further, because maybe he doesn't know that better than Shuichi does himself, but he remembers what it was like before his death. To go from that to someone who apparently isn't just being civil with him is just...uncomfortable. But he holds his tongue, because he doesn't want to argue with him. That's not why he wanted to meet with him...
He stands up as he's told, giving the detective his attention for a few moments before dropping his gaze to the floor. He honestly isn't sure what to expect now, or how to really feel about this. He was fully prepared for rejection, but...no, he's just getting his hopes up, thinking that's not eventually coming, isn't he?
Ugh...uncertainty is usually such a fun thing, but right now he really hates it.]
[Okay but...in fairness, Kokichi was purposefully trying to get Shuichi and the others to be mad at him and hate him before he died. And it worked, obviously. But then he died and between Kaito and Tsumugi, a lot of facts came to light. Facts that painted a different truth and changed Shuichi's opinion.]
[But even so...for a brief moment as Kokichi stands back up, an image flashes unbidden through Shuichi's mind. Because while not exactly the same, this situation is horribly similar to the end of one trial in particular. And for that brief moment, he fears that he was wrong. That Kokichi wasn't being genuine. That once he stands up completely, Shuichi would once again be staring into the eyes of a being of pure, unfettered malice. That he'd hear that old, familiar taunt It's a lie!]
[But he isn't and he doesn't. When Kokichi stands up he's...still Kokichi. Though with an expression of genuine weakness that's every bit as unexpected and strange as the apology that preceded it. But it only makes him all the more certain that he was right. That, for once, this isn't a lie. It's the truth.]
It's true that I'm not happy about some of-- Most of [May as well not beat around the bush here.] the things you did to stop the killing game. But that doesn't mean I want to pretend you don't exist. And I don't think that's really what you want either, or else you wouldn't be apologizing to me right now. Because if I ignore you or pretend you don't exist, then that means ignoring all your actions as well. You may not want or expect forgiveness, but I'm pretty sure you do want acknowledgement of both your actions and your apology.
[A beat.]
Though maybe I'm wrong. It's hard to know for sure what you want or what you're thinking, most of the time. But that's another topic completely...
[He closes his eyes and inhales through his nose again, clearly trying to figure out where to go next. He kind of derailed himself there a little bit, oops.]
I know it's pointless to bring it up now, but I wish...you had cooperated with us normally, even if that's not how a Supreme Leader prefers to do things. But I think some of the blame for that should fall on the rest of us as well. [Sure, Kokichi never really gave any of them a reason to like him but...he wasn't the only one. Thinking back on it now, if Kaito had done for Kokichi what he'd done for Maki...hell, if anyone had done that...would things have gone differently? If he, Maki, and Himiko were capable of changing, why not Kokichi too? Kaito had once told Himiko that the reason she was different than Kokichi was because she wanted to change and he didn't, but...maybe that was an unfair assumption on his part. On all their parts.] I know it's probably just going to annoy you to hear me say something this cliche but...I don't hate you. I hate what you did, and I despise the game that pushed you-- pushed all of us, really-- into doing things we normally wouldn't dream of in order to survive.
That doesn't excuse the things you're apologizing for, nor does it make them acceptable, but...it does make them possible to forgive and your apology possible to accept.
[Possible. There's an important caveat there that he's presumably going to elaborate on in a minute, but first he seems to be giving Kokichi a chance to let all that sink in and comment on it if he wants.]
[It...is a little annoying to hear, but not really because it's cliche. He just takes issue with that whole kind of belief. It's like with Kaede on the first day. "It's coming from a good place" doesn't make it okay, but then Shuichi continues and eases that annoyance a little.
Because, at least, he's not excusing those things blindly the way he had with Kaede.
Kokichi curls his fingers into the hem of his sleeves, looking for something to hold onto as he takes a breath and forces himself to meet Shuichi's gaze again.]
...possible?
[That's the only comment he has. Because...the detective isn't wrong. He doesn't want to be ignored. He doesn't want to be hated, or even disliked beyond what he'd naturally expect for how annoying he knows he is. He wants to be his friend...both of their friend...he's expecting the worst kind of response. That the thing that would make these things possible would be like..."stop lying forever" or something...please don't ask him that, Shuichi. Please don't make this "possible" impossible for him...]
[Okay, but...it's a little easier to blindly excuse selfishness than it is to blindly excuse three counts of manipula-murder. You can't really compare the two.]
[Anyway, luckily for Kokichi "stop lying forever" wasn't what Shuichi had in mind. He nods, giving an affirmative little hum along with it. Yes, possible. You heard him right.]
The more we learned after your trial, the more apparent it became to me that you... you only did most of what you did because of the situation. Like I said, it's not enough to condone your actions. Because ultimately, you still made the choice to go through with them, but...it's not fair to ignore the circumstances entirely and condemn you either. Especially since...you're owning up to it and you're genuinely sorry.
[They wouldn't be having this conversation if he wasn't. Kokichi wouldn't have initiated this conversation, without prompting, if he wasn't. For once, he's telling the complete and total truth about something. For once, he's expressing genuine emotion without trying to cover it up with a lie or a smile or crocodile tears. It's weird...but nice. And for that, Shuichi maintains eye contact. The other boy deserve that much respect.]
Because of that, I can forgive you for...most of what you did. [Weirdly, it's Miu's death he's having the most trouble forgiving. That whole situation was just...completely unavoidable. Gonta and Miu could have survived with them if he'd just...told them what Miu was planning to do. They could have worked through that... But what's done is done, there's no changing what happened.] And I can accept your apology, provided this...isn't all there is to it. I'm not trying to say it's inadequate, because I know this wasn't easy for you and just owning up to something like this is a huge step. But...if nothing changes after this, if you just go right back to doing these same kinds of things...
[It's a problem. A big problem. But the way he emphasizes nothing seems to imply he's not expecting a complete change of character here. Just for Kokichi to cut out those "unacceptable things" that he did. Learn a lesson, basically. That's what he wants to see.]
[He's quiet for a good half a minute after Shuichi's done talking, just letting that sink in. Not because it's hard to comply with but...that's it? That's...all he wants? Tears start to prickle at the corners of his eyes and he hastily lifts a hand to wipe them away with his sleeves, though they're still obviously there, eyes still overly glassy. He thought...this would be impossible. He though, even when Shuichi reached "I could forgive you", that it'd be one of those things where he could only forgive him if he wasn't going to be him anymore. Because he's not stupid, he knows he's hard to put up with. But that's not what Shuichi's asking for at all. When he finally replies, his voice is a little strained, carrying the kind of tone that says he's on the verge of crying.]
I don't...ever want to do things like that again, Saihara-chan. I don't. I just want to have fun, and that wasn't fun... I know sometimes I'm mean - really mean - but I'm not...like that. I-I'm not that cruel, I'm not a mur-- [Well...no. He can't say he's not a murderer anymore, can he? Taking a deep breath, he shakes his head a little and wipes at his eyes again. This is what he hates about being honest. Once you start on the feelings road, you can't just stop...and that road only leads to feeling gross and being in pain. He bows once more, even lower than the last one.]
I promise, I'll never do anything like that ever again. And whatever you can't forgive, I'll do my best to make right, no matter how long that takes or what I have to do. So...so p-please accept my apology.
[Shuichi can't help but think that "I'm not that cruel" is a little debatable, but fortunately he has enough tact not to say anything. He's just...going to assume that he's talking about his attitude over Miu and Gonta's deaths, not his attitude towards Keebo in general.]
[You were definitely cruel to that poor robot, Kokichi. "Mean" doesn't really cover it.]
I know. [His voice is gentle, but 100% certain. He's stating a fact, not a belief. Because Kokichi's motive video backs up everything he just said. DICE was a tiny, non-violent, fun-loving group of pranksters. And the ideals of the leader is what forms a group, no? Or it's a big part of it, anyway.]
I accept your apology, Oma-kun.
[Plain and simple. That's all there is to it. Now stand back up because it's really weirding him out to have you bow like this.]
[Nope, sorry, gotta stay bowing for a few more moments.]
Thank you.
[Had to get that out first. It's full of genuine, heartfelt gratitude, as if the detective had done something much greater than just accepting his apology. But really...it means so much to him. He said it was fine if Shuichi hated him and wanted to ignore him, but he's really not sure what he would have done if that had ended up being the case. He was prepared to hear it and respect his wishes, but he really had no idea how he was going to deal with it on a personal level...
But once that thank you is out he stands up again, though immediately looks away and keeps his head ducked. Hold on, gotta...clean up his embarrassing face, sniffle a little since he doesn't have anything to actually blow his nose with. His eyes had started leaking while he was bowed like that, this is super gross.]
L-let's sit. I still have to talk to you about the station.
[He turns towards the couch, but pauses before moving to sit.]
Unless you want to leave? I can just text everything to you too. That probably took a while, so if you have something else to do...
[Wow, hey, so that wall over there is super interesting. He's just going to look at that for a minute. What gross, embarrassing face? He's pretty sure he's never seen that sort of expression on Kokichi's face ever before.]
Hm? Oh...no. I was going to try looking for a job again after this, but that can wait.
[Since that is apparently a lot more difficult than he thought it was going to be. Leave now, leave in an hour...it doesn't really make a difference.]
Besides, you said you wanted to tell me about things you discovered about this place, right? I'm assuming it's the kind of information that's better said in person than over text.
[So help him, if you're trolling him and you're just going to start teasing him about sexy things though, he's leaving.]
It...is, yes. [Definitely better said in person. He clears it off some, tossing the blanket and pillow into a corner of the couch before claiming that corner for himself, so Shuichi would have plenty of room to sit. Once he sits down, Kokichi just launches right into it.
Time to start bottling all these icky feelings back up before they really overflow.]
So...our first conversation, you were puzzling over something. It was about whether or not we're actually dead, wasn't it?
[Definitely not trolling to talk about sexy stuff.]
[He really wants to ask about the pillows and blankets. Did Kokichi make a friend already and have a sleepover? That has to be it, right? Because why would you sleep on a couch when a bed is an option?]
[But, ultimately that's not important so once he sits down and Kokichi just jumps right into the conversation, he doesn't bother asking.]
...ah. [There we go, there's the Kokichi he knows. Eerily correct about things he shouldn't know about. Yup.] It was, yes. I didn't want to say anything at the time, given the circumstances but...there were a few things that seemed...off.
Why they're promising us a ticket home if we're all dead and why there's a lack of consequence for non-participation?
[Yeah, those were bugging him too. He runs a hand through his hair with a sigh.]
I just wrote those off since...well, there was no way Akamatsu-chan and I didn't die. We both saw her execution, and even if I didn't end up...crushed - [It's said with a little difficulty, but he pushes himself past it.] - I was still fatally poisoned. There's no way I would have lasted as long as I had at that point.
[It was amazing he'd lasted long enough to make Kaito the blackened instead of Maki.]
But they bothered me too. Recently I spoke with someone who said time works differently here, and that...it's possible we were taken before the point of our death.
Mmmhm. [He nods. Unsurprisingly, Kokichi has it exactly right. That's what was bothering him. It's STILL bothering him, to be honest. It just...doesn't add up.]
[Shuichi frowns.]
Well that would explain...the other thing that was bothering me. [the part where he couldn't actually remember dying.] But that doesn't make sense. It's like you said, we both saw what happened to Akamatsu-san. And I saw...well, there was no way you weren't crushed.
[So...so much blood. He never saw the body and, honestly, he's glad he didn't but...there's no doubt that there was a body in there.]
I mean...I suppose it's possible there was a switch at the last second but...how would they have gotten to you without Momota-kun noticing? And Akamatsu-san would have been even more difficult, since there were more of us watching.
As far as witnessing the deaths, time apparently works weird here. The person I spoke with said that two of her friends arrived here with different memories from her, but swore that she hadn't been missing from those memories, despite her having been here for six months. Meaning if they hadn't noticed she was gone, then...somehow it's possible. Even if, from our perspectives, it wouldn't seem that way.
[He leans forward a little, pulling his legs up to cross them on the couch.]
How...I don't know. But with how futuristic everything is, who knows what they're capable of. They're...clearly capable of healing whatever damage our body has endured, if they really pulled us from before our deaths.
[Because he remembers a lot of his own. Not the point of, but......there was plenty of time leading up to it, even though he didn't have to wait the full amount of time for the press to drop. Aside from the poison, they'd have plenty to fix up.]
So I think we should consider the possibility that we aren't dead yet. I don't know what would happen if we bought these tickets back...but here, at least, on this station we could be alive.
[Shuichi sighs and rubs at his temple. Time bullshit. This is like...some theoretical physics stuff that he's not sure he even wants to touch. Maybe this particular mystery can go unsolved.]
Yeah...I haven't spoken with anyone about it yet, but I've been looking for evidence to support or disprove that possibility. So far I haven't found anything concrete in favor of either theory. But if they really do have technology capable of warping time like that...I'd say it's more likely that we are alive here, not just that we could be.
I mean...don't you think it's odd that dead people still need to eat and sleep? And that the afterlife has an economic system? Not to mention the fact that none of our friends are here, even though we saw all of them die as well?
I'll give you one and three, but they do say that humans need things like a reward system to give them meaning. I don't know if it'd be that unbelievable for there to be economics in the afterlife. But then again that doesn't really matter in the end. And yeah, I was really curious when I didn't see anyone else listed...
[He wanted to apologize to everyone, not just Shuichi, so he'd looked pretty early on.]
...I don't know if it's really worth investigating though. We could be alive, but like I said...what does that mean if we go back? I don't know about you, but I'm not really keen on returning just to die in the end. That's probably cowardly, but I don't care.
[Leaning back against his pillow, he sighs as well, rubbing at his neck a little.]
Wasn't even sure if I wanted to bring it up with you...but since it was obviously bugging you, I figured I may as well.
No, I'm glad you told me, Oma-kun. Even if I'm not really sure what to think of this information...I'd rather know it than not.
[He knows it doesn't really matter either way...whether they're dead or not, the result is more or less the same. Either they can't go back, or there's no real point in going back.]
But if it is cowardly, then I guess that makes us both cowards. I was ready to die but...I'm glad that I'm not. [So he's also pretty sure he doesn't want to go back. What's the point? The end result of the killing game is the same, regardless of whether he's here and alive or there and dead. Either way, the audience tuned out and Danganronpa is over. And according to Tsumugi, none of them have anywhere to go anyway.]
[Which...he's still not totally sure he buys as the truth. But why take the chance when they can just stay here? He's upset that apparently only he was spared, but...Maki, Himiko, and Keebo wouldn't want him to just go back and die would they? No, surely they'd want him to take the chance he'd been given and keep living...]
[Kaito definitely would. Kaito would probably hit him for even considering going back and dying just for it to be "fair".]
[He watches Shuichi after he's done talking, just quietly contemplating.]
...I'm...glad you feel the same way. I wouldn't want to have to watch you go back just to throw your life away, Saihara-chan.
[His voice is quiet and honest. Very earnest. He means it...even if Shuichi had chosen not to accept his apology. He wouldn't be able to take it. But that brings up something else...]
...Akamatsu-chan...I don't know if she'd be that cowardly.
[This was the other reason why he wasn't sure he wanted to share this information. If it got back to her that they could possibly be alive and both of the boys believed that...]
No, she wouldn't... [He shifts in his seat, slightly uncomfortable. Because Kokichi is 100% right, Kaede isn't a coward. She never gives up. That's why it was kind of a good thing she wasn't at the final trial. If she had been...the game just would have kept going. That hopeful, never give up attitude is what kept it going as long as it did.]
[If they told her it's likely they're not dead...she'd want to try and save everyone else, wouldn't she? Even if there was only a slim chance it would work. Shuichi sighs.]
Even if we don't...she's bound to hear it from someone else eventually, don't you think? There are too many people here to hide something like that from her forever. And if she found out that we even tried to hide it from her...
[She'd be really upset. With him, especially. At least you expect shit like this from Kokichi.]
...she might not be willing to listen to anything we have to say, after that.
[She wouldn't care about their reasons or an explanation. She might just leave immediately, and they wouldn't be able to talk her out of it...]
But if we tell her, she'll definitely try to go home. To "save" everyone. She was already planning that when I talked to her before you showed up.
[He levels a serious expression at Shuichi, sitting up again.]
Even when I explained that we were dead, she didn't seem convinced. The only thing that stopped her from really pushing the point I think was that I mentioned you were still fighting. But you failed to grant her wish...I think she'd try and go back, no matter what we said. She's too set on that stupid wish of hers.
[Because she's selfish, like he told you.]
It shouldn't be hard to convince her that anyone saying they aren't dead yet is just...not willing to accept it. And it'd be polite to let these people dream that they're still alive, because some people can't handle that kind of truth.
[Just convince her that they're lying to themselves. He's sure he can do it, because he lies to himself all the time.]
And if you're worried about her trust in you, then I'll lie to her myself. I'm used to it, and I can handle it if she stops trusting what I say. But I don't want her going back either...
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diffidentive) wrote2017-11-13 11:58 am
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[Because they're on a fucking space station. That empty, lonely feeling is going to be following him around for a while.]
Mmm... [He nods, pulling the jacket in closer to his body.] Should we sit down, then?
[Okay, now's fine, apparently.]
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Not just yet. It'd be better to stay standing for this. If you still want to talk afterward then we will.
[He stands up a little straighter, facing the detective, and takes a deep breath...and then bows, just as deeply and apologetically as he can, keeping his eyes on the floor. Okay, just say it how you've been practicing this whole time, Kokichi.]
About the killing game...I want to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how I acted and what I did during that. I know that a lot of the things I said were unacceptable, and...killing Iruma-chan, Gonta and Momota-chan is unforgivable. I'm sorry that...my trial had ended up just causing trouble and grief, rather than anything else. I know I wasn't aware of Shirogane and whatever team she'd been apart of at the time, but still. I'm sorry.
I won't apologize for lying and I won't apologize completely for being uncooperative, because I won't apologize for who I am. But I know and understand that there are lies and trouble that I caused that I do need to apologize for. There's so much that I am sorry for, Saihara-chan, that I don't know where to start, and I don't know if you want to hear me list them all. I promise though, I know that those things are there. And if you want, I will apologize for every last one of them. I just don't want to waste your time, especially since I'm sure you don't want me around. Which I understand, too, so please stop being civil on my behalf.
[There's no need to pussy foot around it. No need for Shuichi to be civil to him just because Kaede is there, no need to tolerate him...surely he's growing tired of that, no matter how nice he is. So he may as well let him know that...it's okay to not like him or not want him around. He knows and understands.
Another deep breath, one that shudders a little as it's let out.]
I'm not asking for forgiveness, because I know I don't have the right to be forgiven and I don't deserve it. I won't ask for forgiveness, from you or anyone else. [Meaning he plans on apologizing to them too? If they ever show up...] I just...I just wanted you to know.
[He's not the best at apologies, but he's trying. He's...pretty sure he did that right? He falls completely silent after that, waiting for Shuichi's reply. He doesn't stand up straight again, holding his position, though his hands have started to tremble just a little.
He's sure Shuichi is going to tell him that nothing is okay, and that he should leave the two of them alone...he wouldn't blame him if he did. Or maybe he won't even believe him at all. Wouldn't that be painfully ironic...but he's willing to do whatever it takes to prove his sincerity, so if that ends up being the case then...he'll get down on the floor. He'll get a hot plate and kneel on that. He'll slit his stomach open, if he has to...]
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[Not sincerely, at least. He's said the word "sorry" plenty of times, but it was almost always mockingly so, never truly apologetic. Oops, sorry! I forgot. I lied again! Kokichi has always been one to do and say whatever he wants without ever showing remorse or shame.]
[But this is different. This...this is genuine. He still may not fully understand Kokichi, and it's possible he never will but of this much, he's certain.]
[Kokichi means every word he just said.]
......
[Shuichi is completely silent, even minutes after the apology has ended. He hasn't moved an inch, nor has he taken his eyes off the back of Kokichi's head. But, eventually...]
...I'm not being civil on your behalf.
[This isn't really the point he wanted to start with, because it's not even close to the most important thing Kokichi said but...it's the only point Shuichi actually knows how to address right now. And he can't just stand there and stare forever, he has to start somewhere.]
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...of course you are. Or maybe you're being civil for Akamatsu-chan's sake, or even your own, but...that's not the point. You don't have to be, no matter why you're doing it.
[Even as he says this, he stays bowed. He wants to look at Shuichi when he talks, but his apology hadn't been accepted nor had the detective told him to stand up yet.]
If you want to be short with me you can be. Or if you just want to ignore me and pretend I don't exist. I get it, it's okay.
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[Considering it's...y'know. His feelings they're talking about here.]
[But okay, fine. If Kokichi is going to be like that and not take his word for it, he'll just have to show him. The detective inhales softly through his nose, closing his eyes for one more moment of thought before opening them again.]
Stand up, Oma-kun.
[First things first: he doesn't want to talk to the back of your head.]
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He stands up as he's told, giving the detective his attention for a few moments before dropping his gaze to the floor. He honestly isn't sure what to expect now, or how to really feel about this. He was fully prepared for rejection, but...no, he's just getting his hopes up, thinking that's not eventually coming, isn't he?
Ugh...uncertainty is usually such a fun thing, but right now he really hates it.]
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[But even so...for a brief moment as Kokichi stands back up, an image flashes unbidden through Shuichi's mind. Because while not exactly the same, this situation is horribly similar to the end of one trial in particular. And for that brief moment, he fears that he was wrong. That Kokichi wasn't being genuine. That once he stands up completely, Shuichi would once again be staring into the eyes of a being of pure, unfettered malice. That he'd hear that old, familiar taunt It's a lie!]
[But he isn't and he doesn't. When Kokichi stands up he's...still Kokichi. Though with an expression of genuine weakness that's every bit as unexpected and strange as the apology that preceded it. But it only makes him all the more certain that he was right. That, for once, this isn't a lie. It's the truth.]
It's true that I'm not happy about some of-- Most of [May as well not beat around the bush here.] the things you did to stop the killing game. But that doesn't mean I want to pretend you don't exist. And I don't think that's really what you want either, or else you wouldn't be apologizing to me right now. Because if I ignore you or pretend you don't exist, then that means ignoring all your actions as well. You may not want or expect forgiveness, but I'm pretty sure you do want acknowledgement of both your actions and your apology.
[A beat.]
Though maybe I'm wrong. It's hard to know for sure what you want or what you're thinking, most of the time. But that's another topic completely...
[He closes his eyes and inhales through his nose again, clearly trying to figure out where to go next. He kind of derailed himself there a little bit, oops.]
I know it's pointless to bring it up now, but I wish...you had cooperated with us normally, even if that's not how a Supreme Leader prefers to do things. But I think some of the blame for that should fall on the rest of us as well. [Sure, Kokichi never really gave any of them a reason to like him but...he wasn't the only one. Thinking back on it now, if Kaito had done for Kokichi what he'd done for Maki...hell, if anyone had done that...would things have gone differently? If he, Maki, and Himiko were capable of changing, why not Kokichi too? Kaito had once told Himiko that the reason she was different than Kokichi was because she wanted to change and he didn't, but...maybe that was an unfair assumption on his part. On all their parts.] I know it's probably just going to annoy you to hear me say something this cliche but...I don't hate you. I hate what you did, and I despise the game that pushed you-- pushed all of us, really-- into doing things we normally wouldn't dream of in order to survive.
That doesn't excuse the things you're apologizing for, nor does it make them acceptable, but...it does make them possible to forgive and your apology possible to accept.
[Possible. There's an important caveat there that he's presumably going to elaborate on in a minute, but first he seems to be giving Kokichi a chance to let all that sink in and comment on it if he wants.]
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Because, at least, he's not excusing those things blindly the way he had with Kaede.
Kokichi curls his fingers into the hem of his sleeves, looking for something to hold onto as he takes a breath and forces himself to meet Shuichi's gaze again.]
...possible?
[That's the only comment he has. Because...the detective isn't wrong. He doesn't want to be ignored. He doesn't want to be hated, or even disliked beyond what he'd naturally expect for how annoying he knows he is. He wants to be his friend...both of their friend...he's expecting the worst kind of response. That the thing that would make these things possible would be like..."stop lying forever" or something...please don't ask him that, Shuichi. Please don't make this "possible" impossible for him...]
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[Anyway, luckily for Kokichi "stop lying forever" wasn't what Shuichi had in mind. He nods, giving an affirmative little hum along with it. Yes, possible. You heard him right.]
The more we learned after your trial, the more apparent it became to me that you... you only did most of what you did because of the situation. Like I said, it's not enough to condone your actions. Because ultimately, you still made the choice to go through with them, but...it's not fair to ignore the circumstances entirely and condemn you either. Especially since...you're owning up to it and you're genuinely sorry.
[They wouldn't be having this conversation if he wasn't. Kokichi wouldn't have initiated this conversation, without prompting, if he wasn't. For once, he's telling the complete and total truth about something. For once, he's expressing genuine emotion without trying to cover it up with a lie or a smile or crocodile tears. It's weird...but nice. And for that, Shuichi maintains eye contact. The other boy deserve that much respect.]
Because of that, I can forgive you for...most of what you did. [Weirdly, it's Miu's death he's having the most trouble forgiving. That whole situation was just...completely unavoidable. Gonta and Miu could have survived with them if he'd just...told them what Miu was planning to do. They could have worked through that... But what's done is done, there's no changing what happened.] And I can accept your apology, provided this...isn't all there is to it. I'm not trying to say it's inadequate, because I know this wasn't easy for you and just owning up to something like this is a huge step. But...if nothing changes after this, if you just go right back to doing these same kinds of things...
[It's a problem. A big problem. But the way he emphasizes nothing seems to imply he's not expecting a complete change of character here. Just for Kokichi to cut out those "unacceptable things" that he did. Learn a lesson, basically. That's what he wants to see.]
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I don't...ever want to do things like that again, Saihara-chan. I don't. I just want to have fun, and that wasn't fun... I know sometimes I'm mean - really mean - but I'm not...like that. I-I'm not that cruel, I'm not a mur-- [Well...no. He can't say he's not a murderer anymore, can he? Taking a deep breath, he shakes his head a little and wipes at his eyes again. This is what he hates about being honest. Once you start on the feelings road, you can't just stop...and that road only leads to feeling gross and being in pain. He bows once more, even lower than the last one.]
I promise, I'll never do anything like that ever again. And whatever you can't forgive, I'll do my best to make right, no matter how long that takes or what I have to do. So...so p-please accept my apology.
[Please forgive him.]
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[You were definitely cruel to that poor robot, Kokichi. "Mean" doesn't really cover it.]
I know. [His voice is gentle, but 100% certain. He's stating a fact, not a belief. Because Kokichi's motive video backs up everything he just said. DICE was a tiny, non-violent, fun-loving group of pranksters. And the ideals of the leader is what forms a group, no? Or it's a big part of it, anyway.]
I accept your apology, Oma-kun.
[Plain and simple. That's all there is to it. Now stand back up because it's really weirding him out to have you bow like this.]
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Thank you.
[Had to get that out first. It's full of genuine, heartfelt gratitude, as if the detective had done something much greater than just accepting his apology. But really...it means so much to him. He said it was fine if Shuichi hated him and wanted to ignore him, but he's really not sure what he would have done if that had ended up being the case. He was prepared to hear it and respect his wishes, but he really had no idea how he was going to deal with it on a personal level...
But once that thank you is out he stands up again, though immediately looks away and keeps his head ducked. Hold on, gotta...clean up his embarrassing face, sniffle a little since he doesn't have anything to actually blow his nose with. His eyes had started leaking while he was bowed like that, this is super gross.]
L-let's sit. I still have to talk to you about the station.
[He turns towards the couch, but pauses before moving to sit.]
Unless you want to leave? I can just text everything to you too. That probably took a while, so if you have something else to do...
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[Wow, hey, so that wall over there is super interesting. He's just going to look at that for a minute. What gross, embarrassing face? He's pretty sure he's never seen that sort of expression on Kokichi's face ever before.]
Hm? Oh...no. I was going to try looking for a job again after this, but that can wait.
[Since that is apparently a lot more difficult than he thought it was going to be. Leave now, leave in an hour...it doesn't really make a difference.]
Besides, you said you wanted to tell me about things you discovered about this place, right? I'm assuming it's the kind of information that's better said in person than over text.
[So help him, if you're trolling him and you're just going to start teasing him about sexy things though, he's leaving.]
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Time to start bottling all these icky feelings back up before they really overflow.]
So...our first conversation, you were puzzling over something. It was about whether or not we're actually dead, wasn't it?
[Definitely not trolling to talk about sexy stuff.]
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[But, ultimately that's not important so once he sits down and Kokichi just jumps right into the conversation, he doesn't bother asking.]
...ah. [There we go, there's the Kokichi he knows. Eerily correct about things he shouldn't know about. Yup.] It was, yes. I didn't want to say anything at the time, given the circumstances but...there were a few things that seemed...off.
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[Yeah, those were bugging him too. He runs a hand through his hair with a sigh.]
I just wrote those off since...well, there was no way Akamatsu-chan and I didn't die. We both saw her execution, and even if I didn't end up...crushed - [It's said with a little difficulty, but he pushes himself past it.] - I was still fatally poisoned. There's no way I would have lasted as long as I had at that point.
[It was amazing he'd lasted long enough to make Kaito the blackened instead of Maki.]
But they bothered me too. Recently I spoke with someone who said time works differently here, and that...it's possible we were taken before the point of our death.
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[Shuichi frowns.]
Well that would explain...the other thing that was bothering me. [the part where he couldn't actually remember dying.] But that doesn't make sense. It's like you said, we both saw what happened to Akamatsu-san. And I saw...well, there was no way you weren't crushed.
[So...so much blood. He never saw the body and, honestly, he's glad he didn't but...there's no doubt that there was a body in there.]
I mean...I suppose it's possible there was a switch at the last second but...how would they have gotten to you without Momota-kun noticing? And Akamatsu-san would have been even more difficult, since there were more of us watching.
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[He leans forward a little, pulling his legs up to cross them on the couch.]
How...I don't know. But with how futuristic everything is, who knows what they're capable of. They're...clearly capable of healing whatever damage our body has endured, if they really pulled us from before our deaths.
[Because he remembers a lot of his own. Not the point of, but......there was plenty of time leading up to it, even though he didn't have to wait the full amount of time for the press to drop. Aside from the poison, they'd have plenty to fix up.]
So I think we should consider the possibility that we aren't dead yet. I don't know what would happen if we bought these tickets back...but here, at least, on this station we could be alive.
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Yeah...I haven't spoken with anyone about it yet, but I've been looking for evidence to support or disprove that possibility. So far I haven't found anything concrete in favor of either theory. But if they really do have technology capable of warping time like that...I'd say it's more likely that we are alive here, not just that we could be.
I mean...don't you think it's odd that dead people still need to eat and sleep? And that the afterlife has an economic system? Not to mention the fact that none of our friends are here, even though we saw all of them die as well?
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[He wanted to apologize to everyone, not just Shuichi, so he'd looked pretty early on.]
...I don't know if it's really worth investigating though. We could be alive, but like I said...what does that mean if we go back? I don't know about you, but I'm not really keen on returning just to die in the end. That's probably cowardly, but I don't care.
[Leaning back against his pillow, he sighs as well, rubbing at his neck a little.]
Wasn't even sure if I wanted to bring it up with you...but since it was obviously bugging you, I figured I may as well.
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[He knows it doesn't really matter either way...whether they're dead or not, the result is more or less the same. Either they can't go back, or there's no real point in going back.]
But if it is cowardly, then I guess that makes us both cowards. I was ready to die but...I'm glad that I'm not. [So he's also pretty sure he doesn't want to go back. What's the point? The end result of the killing game is the same, regardless of whether he's here and alive or there and dead. Either way, the audience tuned out and Danganronpa is over. And according to Tsumugi, none of them have anywhere to go anyway.]
[Which...he's still not totally sure he buys as the truth. But why take the chance when they can just stay here? He's upset that apparently only he was spared, but...Maki, Himiko, and Keebo wouldn't want him to just go back and die would they? No, surely they'd want him to take the chance he'd been given and keep living...]
[Kaito definitely would. Kaito would probably hit him for even considering going back and dying just for it to be "fair".]
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...I'm...glad you feel the same way. I wouldn't want to have to watch you go back just to throw your life away, Saihara-chan.
[His voice is quiet and honest. Very earnest. He means it...even if Shuichi had chosen not to accept his apology. He wouldn't be able to take it. But that brings up something else...]
...Akamatsu-chan...I don't know if she'd be that cowardly.
[This was the other reason why he wasn't sure he wanted to share this information. If it got back to her that they could possibly be alive and both of the boys believed that...]
I don't think we should tell her.
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[If they told her it's likely they're not dead...she'd want to try and save everyone else, wouldn't she? Even if there was only a slim chance it would work. Shuichi sighs.]
Even if we don't...she's bound to hear it from someone else eventually, don't you think? There are too many people here to hide something like that from her forever. And if she found out that we even tried to hide it from her...
[She'd be really upset. With him, especially. At least you expect shit like this from Kokichi.]
...she might not be willing to listen to anything we have to say, after that.
[She wouldn't care about their reasons or an explanation. She might just leave immediately, and they wouldn't be able to talk her out of it...]
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[He levels a serious expression at Shuichi, sitting up again.]
Even when I explained that we were dead, she didn't seem convinced. The only thing that stopped her from really pushing the point I think was that I mentioned you were still fighting. But you failed to grant her wish...I think she'd try and go back, no matter what we said. She's too set on that stupid wish of hers.
[Because she's selfish, like he told you.]
It shouldn't be hard to convince her that anyone saying they aren't dead yet is just...not willing to accept it. And it'd be polite to let these people dream that they're still alive, because some people can't handle that kind of truth.
[Just convince her that they're lying to themselves. He's sure he can do it, because he lies to himself all the time.]
And if you're worried about her trust in you, then I'll lie to her myself. I'm used to it, and I can handle it if she stops trusting what I say. But I don't want her going back either...
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