I'm sure it is. But I'm also just as sure you're not actually working as one. If you were, you would have just said so from the start instead of throwing all these other weak excuses for why you haven't been sleeping at me. That's definitely something that would cause you to burn a candle at both ends.
[Also he just...has a really hard time seeing Kokichi agreeing to that kind of work. Call it a hunch.]
And, like you said, I haven't been spending time with you at night. So I wouldn't have any way of knowing whether or not it was a lie. But bringing it up now...it's obvious you only just thought of it.
Not to mention...you like playing games on the hardest difficulty. Working as an escort in a game of "kink bingo"...where's the challenge in that?
Things like "hardest difficulty" can be pretty fluid, can't they? What's hard for me could be totally different than what's hard for someone else. So maybe that is the hardest difficulty in my case~
[That's definitely a weak argument, but he's running out of things he can say. He's running out of lies and excuses...]
So you're not working as an escort, meaning part of the reason you're not showing me your card is because I'll know for a fact that you haven't been playing the game very much. [That argument was so weak he's not even going to dignify it with a counter argument. He's just going to keep pushing past it. Keep closing off more directions until he has the leader completely cornered.]
Which, in turn, means playing the game isn't what's keeping you up at night. It's something else.
I already told you, it would ruin all the fun... [The protest is mumbled as he shifts uncomfortably, arms folding over and pressing against his stomach somewhat as he looks away. The problem with that is that he's not having fun, not that Shuichi knows that.
He doesn't have many roads left to take though...at this point he should just fold. Quit while he's ahead, and maybe if the real reason why he isn't getting sleep wasn't so uncomfortable he would...
So instead he heaves a heavy sigh, as if he has nothing left to defend himself with, and gives the detective a weary smile.]
Alright, alright... I've just been out playing games most nights at the arcade. I get super wrapped up in them, so I lose track of time. I didn't want to tell you because I don't want some annoying lecture. Or worse, have you mention it to Akamatsu-chan and then have her lecture me or something. At least you just sound like a mom when you do it, but she's really annoying!
Well at least you put some effort into that lie. [Two can play at the game of insulting things you love. Two can play.] I don't even have circumstantial evidence to refute that. It could easily be true.
I'm not an expert. I've just picked up on a few things here and there... mostly thanks to you.
[There are a few things he figured out thanks to Team Danganronpa and the audience, but mostly it was Kokichi.]
As for how I'm so sure the arcade isn't to blame...it's because the arcade still isn't something that would prevent you from getting a restful sleep. True, it could easily explain why you're not sleeping at night, but it doesn't account for the day time.
Even if you truly don't like sleeping during the day, I know for a fact that you'll do it. [Remember that time you interrupted his sadsack dream memory? Saihara Farms remembers.] So if you really were staying up all night playing games, there would be nothing to stop you from going back to your room and sleeping. Or from going up to the dome and taking a nap under the trees, since you clearly don't have a problem doing that.
But you're not. And you're presumably even going as far as to cover up the physical signs that you haven't been sleeping, since it takes more than one or two all nighters to give a person shadows around their like that.
[And he's seen Kokichi around on numerous occasions over the past few weeks. Ever since they arrived here, really. They have rooms right down the hall from one another, it's hard not to see each other in passing once or twice a day, if nothing else. Anyway, the point is, every time he'd seen him, Kokichi had looked fine. Normal.]
Maybe you've been trying to sleep, maybe you've even been able to nap very once in a while. I obviously can't know that for sure since I'm not you. But obviously, that sleep hasn't been doing its job. Meaning you're either an insomniac or something is bothering you. Really bothering you. And I'm more inclined to believe the latter, knowing you.
[There's...no reason to hide the fact that you're an insomniac. And they make pills for that, don't they? Surely the super futuristic space doctors have something that could take care of insomnia. Feelings, on the other hand.]
[Well, when is Kokichi NOT hiding those?]
I've had my suspicions for a while, but I couldn't couldn't be sure that there was anything to them. I could have been overthinking things, it could have just been coincidence...there were any number of explanations, really. But after seeing your reaction earlier...I'm sure now.
[He locks his eyes on Kokichi's, giving him a very fixed, serious stare. One that says all too plainly that he's done beating around the bush here.]
You're not having fun playing this game, are you? You were excited about it at first, and you started playing almost immediately. But then...you slowed down. It took you...what? A day or two to fill your first square? But by the time Akamatsu-san and I started playing, over two weeks later, you'd only managed to fill one more. And you can't say it was because you're having trouble finding partners because of your personality. You obviously didn't have a problem with that since you started playing so quickly, and there are people here who just want to get home. You said it yourself, didn't you? That it's easier if romance isn't involved if you're not playing with a significant other? So the issue isn't other people, the issue is you. Your choices. You chose to slow down.
You didn't even know that it's possible to fill a square without actually having sex with someone. Which is just bizarre, for someone who enjoys games as much as you do. I thought for sure by now you would have figured out most, if not all, of the ins, outs, and loopholes to this game. But what was even more concerning to me was the fact that you looked like you were going to be sick when I told you. There are...really only so many explanations for a reaction like that. All of which tell me that I there was something to my suspicions after all...
[Which...clearly he should have followed up on, even if there was a chance he was wrong. He'd told the other boy he could talk to him about anything that was bothering him but...he should have done more than that, huh? That wasn't enough.]
[There's really...nothing he can say to that. Or rather, nothing he can say to avoid it, in any case. He could try and come up with another lie, but...]
...that's not very fair, leaving a liar like me no other moves to make, you know. Haha...
[He's still laughing a little, still smiling, but distinctly looking away from Shuichi now. And even with those, he just looks...tired. Sure, the mask is still there, but he's just putting the bare amount of effort into keeping it on now. He was exhausted before, and then everything about this conversation has made that worse. Just talking made him tired, lying made him tired, listening to the detective figure it all out and corner him made him tired...
The leader tips over and sags against the couch, going almost boneless with a heavy sigh. He definitely gives up now. There's no real fight left in him, even if he could try and come up with something else to say. Though for a long moment, he almost seems like he's choosing not to say anything period instead, resting his eyes and staying quiet...]
...it's...not really any one thing that happened, Saihara-chan. Or I guess it's that I'm dealing with a lot of things, all at once, really. But you're right...I'm not really having fun anymore. Not sure how fun it was to begin with.
With a liar like you, I didn't have any other option.
[The only way to expose a liar is to corner them psychologically, after all. At least Shuichi has enough tact not to throw Kokichi's words back in his face. That would kind of come off as gloating and...there's nothing to gloat about here.]
[Unfortunately, this was just one of those games that isn't very fun to play and is even less fun to win. He's pretty sure there's still something Kokichi isn't telling him. Something that prompted that reaction earlier, but...he's not going to press it further. If Kokichi breaks any more than this, he won't really be able to stand it. It's hard enough just seeing him like this. It's like the trial memory all over again.]
[Shuichi is silent for a while as well, doing nothing more than sighing softly and leaning back against the couch to stare up at the ceiling. Whether he's doing that for Kokichi's benefit or his own is hard to say, but eventually...]
I meant what I said at the park, you know. If you need someone to talk to...I know I'm not anyone from DICE, and I'm sure that not having them around is one of the "things" that you're trying to deal with right now, but... I don't like seeing you this way. I want to help.
[He can't really give Kokichi the advice Kaito was always giving him. After seeing Kokichi's memories of DICE...he's pretty sure the leader already knows it. Telling him that it's okay to share your burdens with a friend, that that makes things easier...that would be the same as slapping Kokichi in the face, wouldn't it?]
[Because if even one of those straight jacket clowns were here, Shuichi is positive that they wouldn't be having this conversation right now.]
[He doesn't answer for a long moment, instead just curling up some, pulling his knees to his chest and keeping his arms folded against him. That comment really hurt...he knows Shuichi wasn't trying to hurt him, but it just causes a deep ache right in his chest because he's right. That is indeed one of the things he's dealing with, and having that brought up right now of all times...
It's really the worst. When he finally does talk, his voice is very strained, but he's obviously doing his best to keep it together.]
It's...it's lonely, Saihara-chan. It's really lonely, being here. Even surrounded by all these people, without them I'm all alone. I haven't been alone in...a really long time. Even before, during the killing game, it was different, because I didn't want them there. That made it easier, but now...a-and I mean, I don't--
[There's a hiccup as he pauses, a hand moving up to his mouth as he tries to gather himself but it's a little too late at this point. Any other problem he's been having...any one of them would be easier than this. But he pushes forward, even though there are already a few tears streaming down his cheeks.]
I don't even know if they're okay, a-and. And I may never get to. I keep trying to tell myself that they're fine, that the video was a lie, that they'd never...never get caught like that, but...
[But they just mean so much to him. It's so much harder, convincing himself of that when that video seemed so real. How could they have staged it?]
They all looked...s-so hopeless...and helpless...what kind of leader am I? That'd I'd let them get into a situation like that? That I can't...even do anything to help or save them?
[He buries his face in his knees, curling up as tight as he possibly can to try and hide the fact that he's openly crying now and maybe try and comfort himself some...this isn't even the root of the issue as to why his sleeping has been so awful, though it's certain contributed to it.]
[Okay, well...it was going to hurt either way. But you have to admit, this hurts less than having him just obliviously parrot Kaito's advice.]
[The conversation has gotten a little off track, though. This wasn't really what Shuichi was trying to get the other boy to talk about, but...well, it's an issue too. And maybe this is actually the best place to start. Maybe it's...something that can ease him into talking about his other problems. The ones more directly related to the game.]
[So he just listens quietly, turning his head away from the ceiling to look at Kokichi instead. But rather than answer his question, Shuichi attempts to take one of his hands. It helped during the dream-trial, maybe it'll help again. Assuming he can...actually get one of his hands. Since Kokichi has gone all pillbug on him and has his hands guarded by his knees.]
Every motive they gave us...was a lie in some way or another. The Earth wasn't really destroyed, it's impossible to raise the dead, and they had no intention of letting the game end before it even started.
Those videos... [He still doesn't know, nor will he ever know, just how much of what Tsumugi had said about their true identities was a lie. If she was telling the truth, if everything about them was completely fabricated... then in all likelihood, those important people don't even exist. They were just fictional, the same as the rest of their memories.]
[But...that's the thing about lies, right? There's only one truth, but endless possibilities for lies. This is just another situation that makes those words ring true.] ...they were the same. They were just...lies meant to push us into acting in ways that would make things more entertaining for the audience.
[If a statement is made without knowing the truth...does that really make it a lie?]
[Shuichi's able to get a hand, though the most Kokichi is doing is letting him hold it. He doesn't pull away or anything, but his hand is practically limp in the detective's, trembling and shaking some along with the rest of him as he cries.
But he still seems to be listening at least, because once Shuichi is done talking he starts making an attempt - slowly but surely - to stop that crying. It's certainly not immediate, but it doesn't take terribly long either as he gives what the other boy says some thought.
Just...thinking of the videos on their own, focusing on them and how real they could be made it hard to convince himself otherwise. But...Shuichi was right. The other motives...all of them were lies. And when he compares that video with those...yes it was convincing, but... Eventually he manages to quiet himself to just silent tears and stray hiccups. His fingers tighten just a little on Shuichi's hand, and he unfurls just enough to use his other hand to wipe at his face, giving a little nod. Yeah...yeah. The videos...those had to be lies too, in one way or another. No matter...how they fabricated it, that's what it had to be. A fabrication.]
...I've...I've been having nightmares. That's...the main reason my sleeping has been so awful. That's what you want to know...nightmares about them dying, or being tortured, or...or seeing what I did and falling apart because of it. I've been having nightmares about the killing game, too, about everyone else, about my death, about all of it and...
[He takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly as his grip becomes much, much stronger suddenly, though his hand is still shaking.]
And something...did happen. I made a mistake, and got myself hurt. I have nightmares about that, too.
[He needs time to actually process the info about the videos...not that he doubts him at all. If Shuichi is telling him...
Even if it's a lie, if he's telling him then he can believe it. But he still needs time to actually process it, so he's putting the DICE conversation on hold. If he doesn't, he'll never be able to get anything else out, and he feels bad that the detective is worrying about him like this.]
[Ah, okay. Maybe he was wrong about the hand holding thing. Maybe that's something only dream Kokichi likes. Or maybe he's just that tired. Either way, Shuichi doesn't let go of his hand. Just in case. He'll wait for a definite reaction, something that makes it abundantly clear that it's not helping.]
[But that never comes to pass. Apparently that's not something that only dream Kokichi likes, so Shuichi is kind of glad he decided to leave his hand where it was. He's not squeezing Kokichi's back, but...it's there for him to grip as tightly as he wants or needs to. There to remind him that he's not as alone as he feels.]
[Shuichi isn't a member of DICE but...he's a friend, right? And surely that's better than nothing.]
Oh... [Nightmares, huh? That would explain it. Unfortunately, Shuichi hasn't been having that problem himself so he's not really sure what to say to help. Even back at school, in those first days after Kaede was executed...it wasn't really dreams that had made his sleep so unrestful. Or none that he could clearly remember after he'd woken up, anyway.]
[Maybe he should see if Kokichi wants to start training with him from now on. That was why had finally given him a good night's rest after he lost Kaede. Maybe it can keep Kokichi's nightmares at bay as well...]
[This is a lot harder to admit to than he thought, because he knows it was stupid. He knows it was a stupid decision, and knew it even at the time of making it and going through with it. So there's silence on his end, but eventually he unfurls to wrap his free hand around his knees, hugging those to his chest. He keeps the one around Shuichi's though, still squeezing it tight, before finally looking up at the detective.]
I...had a chance to get my gore square out of the way and...took it. It was in the VR, so no actual damage was done, but...
[Chest tightening and face paling again, he takes a breath to try and calm himself down, the memory still extremely unpleasant.]
But...I...had. H-had my limbs chopped off...in a game. A killing game. If I hadn't guessed the right word, it would have killed me. [He laughs, though it's uncomfortable and broken sounding.] It had an audience and everything...I thought it wouldn't be so bad, since it was just me! It's not like I had to kill anyone else, or anyone else's life was even in danger. Aha...did you know things hurt just as bad in the VR? It's really realistic! They aren't kidding with that! Oh but it's nothing like...Iruma-chan's VR. You don't die from the shock. You get to live through the whole thing and remember it afterward~ Great, right?
[It's very clearly not great, and he doesn't actually think it is. He really doesn't.]
[The color drains from Shuichi's face and his grip goes slack in Kokichi's hand. Now it's his turn to look faintly ill, as well as absolutely horrified. Everything the smaller boy just said is disturbing, but it's something he didn't say that sticks out most to Shuichi. Something that just makes the confession infinitely more horrible.]
[If Kokichi didn't know that, technically, all you needed was arousal for a square to count...]
Oma-kun-- [His voice is faint and though mostly piteous, there's a faint edge of incredulity to it. Because as bad as he feels for Kokichi, as terrible as what he went through clearly was...he agreed to it.] That's... Y-- Wh-why would--
[He's not entirely sure what to say to this. How could Kokichi do something so stupid? Even if he's reckless, he's smarter than this, Shuichi knows he is. But pointing that out would surely only make him feel worse and Shuichi just doesn't have the heart to do that.]
[Kokichi takes his hand back, burying his face in both of them.]
I know-- [He knows what Shuichi's trying to say. The boy doesn't have to finish anything he tried to say, or even point out what he doesn't have the heart to, because it's something he's been beating himself up over already.]
This is why I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to tell you about anything, because everything is stupid and embarrassing and all my fault. I just wanted to get it out of the way, like ripping off a band-aid, I didn't want to sit here and keep dreading it, and there's no way I could do something like that to someone else so I thought--
[He had to take this chance. How many people would actually want to or be willing to do that? Even if it was horrible, even if it was reckless...but it doesn't really matter what he thought. It's already done, and now he's paying the price for it.
He shakes his head with a little whimper.]
I don't want to play anymore. If I do it with people I don't like, I feel gross and it hurts, but even when I do it with people I do like I just feel horrible and guilty and lonely afterward.
[Not just talking about Kaede here, either. Doing it with anyone when they aren't the person you love is incredibly lonely...]
[It makes sense, in a horrifying way. Shuichi isn't sure what to think of the fact that he can actually follow Kokichi's logic here. But it's...even if it makes sense, he thought for sure...]
[He thought for sure that Kokichi had more sense than this. Even knowing that Kokichi had some truly terrible things on his card (though not nearly as many as he wanted them to believe), he hadn't been too worried about him. Because surely, surely, he would take a reasonable approach. Focus on ones that weren't so terrible until he could find someone he could trust enough to do some of the more hardcore ones with. Something along those lines.]
[It's heartbreaking, seeing him like this. This game was supposed to be better than the killing game. And yet...it seems to have broken him even worse. But maybe that makes sense too. Even if this game seems kinder on the surface, easier and more pleasant...in some ways, it's just as cruel as a game where you have to kill your friends to survive.]
[He doesn't try and take Kokichi's hand again. He's not sure if the leader would like that, given how he just pulled it away. But his voice is gentle when he speaks, soothing and reassuring without a hint of judgement. He still thinks this was incredibly stupid on Kokichi's part, but...everyone makes mistakes and this is clearly one Kokichi won't be making again.]
We were never sure if we could go back anyway, so...you were playing because you needed to support yourself, right? [Instinctively, he moves to try and take Kokichi's hand before remembering that he's not supposed to be doing that. He stops.] I'll do that for you, from now on. So you don't have to play anymore, okay? Not until you find someone who makes it fun and enjoyable for you.
[He's lucky enough to have someone he loves to play the game with. The only thing holding him back is his own embarrassment and he's already improving in that area. So this game is easy, for him. Easy and enjoyable.]
[ Plus, Kokichi was the one who helped him see the game in a different light, the one who encouraged him to pursue Kaede...the least he can do is support him for a while, right? That's what friends do.]
[He only pulled his hand away to hide his face, so if Shuichi wanted to take it he wouldn't complain. But he doesn't, and that's fine too. What he says though...that's both equal parts reassuring and painful to hear. Reassuring moreso, however, and he uncurls and just stares at the detective with surprise. An offer like that...]
Saihara-chan...thank you.
[He's incredibly grateful, and it's obvious in his voice. But after a moment, that last part hits him again, and he glances away with a shake of his head.]
I...it can only be for a little while, though. Not to be disrespectful or ungrateful, but...finding someone like that is impossible for me. So I won't make you support me forever. Just long enough so that I can learn how to deal with this on my own. But please...please give me that opportunity.
[A bittersweet smile plays around the corners of Shuichi's mouth. Something like that is impossible for him, huh? Okay, well he doesn't buy that at all, but...]
You know what Momota-kun would say if he heard you say that, right?
[The impossible is possible! All you gotta do is make it so!]
[But Shuichi isn't Kaito, so he's not going to actually say it and open up that discussion. If he were talking to Maki, sure, but Kaito and Kokichi always had something of a...rocky relationship. But he'll mention it, just so Kokichi will maybe start thinking about it. So maybe he'll hear Kaito's voice the next time he thinks about how impossible it is for him to find love.]
[Because this may just be a situation where Kaito's crazy, nonsensical mantra actually works. Love is a weird and surprising thing. Anything is possible, with love.]
But take as long as you need, alright? Don't rush yourself on my behalf, it's not like I'm going anywhere.
[Or, more importantly, it's not like his situation as far as easily being able to fill squares is going to change any time soon. Unless Kaede decides to break up with him or something but he's pretty sure that won't happen at any point in the foreseeable future.]
[But reminding Kokichi of that would be extremely tactless, so he opts not to mention it.]
And if there's anything else I can do to help... Um. Well, you don't have to tell me, but... [He gestures vaguely. He clearly has something in mind, it's just not really translating from thought to words. He knows what he wants to say as a concept, not what he wants to say as an actual statement.] Do...whatever you need to do?
[Hopefully Kokichi will understand what he's trying to get at. If there's anything he can do to help, let him know without actually letting him know. If spending time talking will help, go for it. If you want to play a game with him, go for it. Stuff like that.]
[He doesn't look convinced at all. Even if he's more inclined to listen to Kaito now, a little bit, since his opinion of the boy has changed after what they went through together...this situation is still impossible. Abysmally so, even. But he's Shuichi's best friend, so he's not going to actually say anything. Plus, he doesn't want to actually discuss it either, since...that person is kind of the detective himself.
He doesn't want the other boy cornering him into a confession...
So he just offer him a short, somewhat dismissive hum in reply, focusing instead on what he says next.]
[But hey, since all of that icky crap is out in the open and done and over with, it means he can try and lighten the mood, right? To move past it, so he doesn't have to think about any of it?]
Does that include getting me a soda if I ask~? Oh, what about taking a bath with me~ The public baths are really great, y'know? Have you tried them yet? I'll loan you my rubber ducky!
[He sure thinks that's what it means, falling back onto teasing the poor detective with a broad, though still tired grin.]
What if I ask you to be my getaway driver in a grand heist! Will you do that too?
[If that's what he wants to do, Shuichi isn't going to stop him. Lord knows, he sucks at lightening the mood himself. And somebody needs to do it, so...]
Uhm...well I can't drive, [Outside of a taxi in his mind, that is.] but...I can get you a soda or go to the baths with you, sure.
Well I guess they have self driving cars anyway. Oh, you could always take a bullet for me instead as my loyal bodyguard~! Every Supreme Leader needs one!
[But that, of course, is a joke.]
If we go to the baths, I'll make sure to think up some really fun games to play together! Oo, oo, wanna go now maybe? After a gross conversation like that, a hot bath or shower is just what a person needs, and I haven't showered yet today~
Mmm...not right this second. There's still something I need to go look into, and you... [He gives him a slightly apologetic look.] there's another potentially gross conversation you need to have today.
[You know the one. Though, surely, it can't be as gross as this one was. He's pretty sure he and Kaede are on two different friendship levels as far as Kokichi is concerned. Either way, better to get all t he gross out of the way first, right?]
Ah...do I have to? Won't it be awkward though? I mean...she's your girlfriend, I'm more into guys, I promised I would avoid topics like this with her...
[Yeah, it's obvious he knows he needs to talk to her, but he really doesn't want to...]
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diffidentive) wrote2017-11-13 11:58 am
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[Also he just...has a really hard time seeing Kokichi agreeing to that kind of work. Call it a hunch.]
And, like you said, I haven't been spending time with you at night. So I wouldn't have any way of knowing whether or not it was a lie. But bringing it up now...it's obvious you only just thought of it.
Not to mention...you like playing games on the hardest difficulty. Working as an escort in a game of "kink bingo"...where's the challenge in that?
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[That's definitely a weak argument, but he's running out of things he can say. He's running out of lies and excuses...]
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[Kokichi are you even trying?]
So you're not working as an escort, meaning part of the reason you're not showing me your card is because I'll know for a fact that you haven't been playing the game very much. [That argument was so weak he's not even going to dignify it with a counter argument. He's just going to keep pushing past it. Keep closing off more directions until he has the leader completely cornered.]
Which, in turn, means playing the game isn't what's keeping you up at night. It's something else.
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He doesn't have many roads left to take though...at this point he should just fold. Quit while he's ahead, and maybe if the real reason why he isn't getting sleep wasn't so uncomfortable he would...
So instead he heaves a heavy sigh, as if he has nothing left to defend himself with, and gives the detective a weary smile.]
Alright, alright... I've just been out playing games most nights at the arcade. I get super wrapped up in them, so I lose track of time. I didn't want to tell you because I don't want some annoying lecture. Or worse, have you mention it to Akamatsu-chan and then have her lecture me or something. At least you just sound like a mom when you do it, but she's really annoying!
[100% the truth Shuichi.]
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But it's not.
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[Don't think he didn't catch that edge there, buddy.]
How are you so sure that's not true, huh?
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[There are a few things he figured out thanks to Team Danganronpa and the audience, but mostly it was Kokichi.]
As for how I'm so sure the arcade isn't to blame...it's because the arcade still isn't something that would prevent you from getting a restful sleep. True, it could easily explain why you're not sleeping at night, but it doesn't account for the day time.
Even if you truly don't like sleeping during the day, I know for a fact that you'll do it. [Remember that time you interrupted his sadsack dream memory? Saihara Farms remembers.] So if you really were staying up all night playing games, there would be nothing to stop you from going back to your room and sleeping. Or from going up to the dome and taking a nap under the trees, since you clearly don't have a problem doing that.
But you're not. And you're presumably even going as far as to cover up the physical signs that you haven't been sleeping, since it takes more than one or two all nighters to give a person shadows around their like that.
[And he's seen Kokichi around on numerous occasions over the past few weeks. Ever since they arrived here, really. They have rooms right down the hall from one another, it's hard not to see each other in passing once or twice a day, if nothing else. Anyway, the point is, every time he'd seen him, Kokichi had looked fine. Normal.]
Maybe you've been trying to sleep, maybe you've even been able to nap very once in a while. I obviously can't know that for sure since I'm not you. But obviously, that sleep hasn't been doing its job. Meaning you're either an insomniac or something is bothering you. Really bothering you. And I'm more inclined to believe the latter, knowing you.
[There's...no reason to hide the fact that you're an insomniac. And they make pills for that, don't they? Surely the super futuristic space doctors have something that could take care of insomnia. Feelings, on the other hand.]
[Well, when is Kokichi NOT hiding those?]
I've had my suspicions for a while, but I couldn't couldn't be sure that there was anything to them. I could have been overthinking things, it could have just been coincidence...there were any number of explanations, really. But after seeing your reaction earlier...I'm sure now.
[He locks his eyes on Kokichi's, giving him
a very fixed, serious stare. One that says all too plainly that he's done beating around the bush here.]
You're not having fun playing this game, are you? You were excited about it at first, and you started playing almost immediately. But then...you slowed down. It took you...what? A day or two to fill your first square? But by the time Akamatsu-san and I started playing, over two weeks later, you'd only managed to fill one more. And you can't say it was because you're having trouble finding partners because of your personality. You obviously didn't have a problem with that since you started playing so quickly, and there are people here who just want to get home. You said it yourself, didn't you? That it's easier if romance isn't involved if you're not playing with a significant other? So the issue isn't other people, the issue is you. Your choices. You chose to slow down.
You didn't even know that it's possible to fill a square without actually having sex with someone. Which is just bizarre, for someone who enjoys games as much as you do. I thought for sure by now you would have figured out most, if not all, of the ins, outs, and loopholes to this game. But what was even more concerning to me was the fact that you looked like you were going to be sick when I told you. There are...really only so many explanations for a reaction like that. All of which tell me that I there was something to my suspicions after all...
[Which...clearly he should have followed up on, even if there was a chance he was wrong. He'd told the other boy he could talk to him about anything that was bothering him but...he should have done more than that, huh? That wasn't enough.]
What happened, Oma-kun?
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...that's not very fair, leaving a liar like me no other moves to make, you know. Haha...
[He's still laughing a little, still smiling, but distinctly looking away from Shuichi now. And even with those, he just looks...tired. Sure, the mask is still there, but he's just putting the bare amount of effort into keeping it on now. He was exhausted before, and then everything about this conversation has made that worse. Just talking made him tired, lying made him tired, listening to the detective figure it all out and corner him made him tired...
The leader tips over and sags against the couch, going almost boneless with a heavy sigh. He definitely gives up now. There's no real fight left in him, even if he could try and come up with something else to say. Though for a long moment, he almost seems like he's choosing not to say anything period instead, resting his eyes and staying quiet...]
...it's...not really any one thing that happened, Saihara-chan. Or I guess it's that I'm dealing with a lot of things, all at once, really. But you're right...I'm not really having fun anymore. Not sure how fun it was to begin with.
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[The only way to expose a liar is to corner them psychologically, after all. At least Shuichi has enough tact not to throw Kokichi's words back in his face. That would kind of come off as gloating and...there's nothing to gloat about here.]
[Unfortunately, this was just one of those games that isn't very fun to play and is even less fun to win. He's pretty sure there's still something Kokichi isn't telling him. Something that prompted that reaction earlier, but...he's not going to press it further. If Kokichi breaks any more than this, he won't really be able to stand it. It's hard enough just seeing him like this. It's like the trial memory all over again.]
[Shuichi is silent for a while as well, doing nothing more than sighing softly and leaning back against the couch to stare up at the ceiling. Whether he's doing that for Kokichi's benefit or his own is hard to say, but eventually...]
I meant what I said at the park, you know. If you need someone to talk to...I know I'm not anyone from DICE, and I'm sure that not having them around is one of the "things" that you're trying to deal with right now, but... I don't like seeing you this way. I want to help.
[He can't really give Kokichi the advice Kaito was always giving him. After seeing Kokichi's memories of DICE...he's pretty sure the leader already knows it. Telling him that it's okay to share your burdens with a friend, that that makes things easier...that would be the same as slapping Kokichi in the face, wouldn't it?]
[Because if even one of those straight jacket clowns were here, Shuichi is positive that they wouldn't be having this conversation right now.]
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It's really the worst. When he finally does talk, his voice is very strained, but he's obviously doing his best to keep it together.]
It's...it's lonely, Saihara-chan. It's really lonely, being here. Even surrounded by all these people, without them I'm all alone. I haven't been alone in...a really long time. Even before, during the killing game, it was different, because I didn't want them there. That made it easier, but now...a-and I mean, I don't--
[There's a hiccup as he pauses, a hand moving up to his mouth as he tries to gather himself but it's a little too late at this point. Any other problem he's been having...any one of them would be easier than this. But he pushes forward, even though there are already a few tears streaming down his cheeks.]
I don't even know if they're okay, a-and. And I may never get to. I keep trying to tell myself that they're fine, that the video was a lie, that they'd never...never get caught like that, but...
[But they just mean so much to him. It's so much harder, convincing himself of that when that video seemed so real. How could they have staged it?]
They all looked...s-so hopeless...and helpless...what kind of leader am I? That'd I'd let them get into a situation like that? That I can't...even do anything to help or save them?
[He buries his face in his knees, curling up as tight as he possibly can to try and hide the fact that he's openly crying now and maybe try and comfort himself some...this isn't even the root of the issue as to why his sleeping has been so awful, though it's certain contributed to it.]
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[The conversation has gotten a little off track, though. This wasn't really what Shuichi was trying to get the other boy to talk about, but...well, it's an issue too. And maybe this is actually the best place to start. Maybe it's...something that can ease him into talking about his other problems. The ones more directly related to the game.]
[So he just listens quietly, turning his head away from the ceiling to look at Kokichi instead. But rather than answer his question, Shuichi attempts to take one of his hands. It helped during the dream-trial, maybe it'll help again. Assuming he can...actually get one of his hands. Since Kokichi has gone all pillbug on him and has his hands guarded by his knees.]
Every motive they gave us...was a lie in some way or another. The Earth wasn't really destroyed, it's impossible to raise the dead, and they had no intention of letting the game end before it even started.
Those videos... [He still doesn't know, nor will he ever know, just how much of what Tsumugi had said about their true identities was a lie. If she was telling the truth, if everything about them was completely fabricated... then in all likelihood, those important people don't even exist. They were just fictional, the same as the rest of their memories.]
[But...that's the thing about lies, right? There's only one truth, but endless possibilities for lies. This is just another situation that makes those words ring true.] ...they were the same. They were just...lies meant to push us into acting in ways that would make things more entertaining for the audience.
[If a statement is made without knowing the truth...does that really make it a lie?]
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But he still seems to be listening at least, because once Shuichi is done talking he starts making an attempt - slowly but surely - to stop that crying. It's certainly not immediate, but it doesn't take terribly long either as he gives what the other boy says some thought.
Just...thinking of the videos on their own, focusing on them and how real they could be made it hard to convince himself otherwise. But...Shuichi was right. The other motives...all of them were lies. And when he compares that video with those...yes it was convincing, but... Eventually he manages to quiet himself to just silent tears and stray hiccups. His fingers tighten just a little on Shuichi's hand, and he unfurls just enough to use his other hand to wipe at his face, giving a little nod. Yeah...yeah. The videos...those had to be lies too, in one way or another. No matter...how they fabricated it, that's what it had to be. A fabrication.]
...I've...I've been having nightmares. That's...the main reason my sleeping has been so awful. That's what you want to know...nightmares about them dying, or being tortured, or...or seeing what I did and falling apart because of it. I've been having nightmares about the killing game, too, about everyone else, about my death, about all of it and...
[He takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly as his grip becomes much, much stronger suddenly, though his hand is still shaking.]
And something...did happen. I made a mistake, and got myself hurt. I have nightmares about that, too.
[He needs time to actually process the info about the videos...not that he doubts him at all. If Shuichi is telling him...
Even if it's a lie, if he's telling him then he can believe it. But he still needs time to actually process it, so he's putting the DICE conversation on hold. If he doesn't, he'll never be able to get anything else out, and he feels bad that the detective is worrying about him like this.]
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[But that never comes to pass. Apparently that's not something that only dream Kokichi likes, so Shuichi is kind of glad he decided to leave his hand where it was. He's not squeezing Kokichi's back, but...it's there for him to grip as tightly as he wants or needs to. There to remind him that he's not as alone as he feels.]
[Shuichi isn't a member of DICE but...he's a friend, right? And surely that's better than nothing.]
Oh... [Nightmares, huh? That would explain it. Unfortunately, Shuichi hasn't been having that problem himself so he's not really sure what to say to help. Even back at school, in those first days after Kaede was executed...it wasn't really dreams that had made his sleep so unrestful. Or none that he could clearly remember after he'd woken up, anyway.]
[Maybe he should see if Kokichi wants to start training with him from now on. That was why had finally given him a good night's rest after he lost Kaede. Maybe it can keep Kokichi's nightmares at bay as well...]
[But that's a conversation for later.]
Hurt...how?
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I...had a chance to get my gore square out of the way and...took it. It was in the VR, so no actual damage was done, but...
[Chest tightening and face paling again, he takes a breath to try and calm himself down, the memory still extremely unpleasant.]
But...I...had. H-had my limbs chopped off...in a game. A killing game. If I hadn't guessed the right word, it would have killed me. [He laughs, though it's uncomfortable and broken sounding.] It had an audience and everything...I thought it wouldn't be so bad, since it was just me! It's not like I had to kill anyone else, or anyone else's life was even in danger. Aha...did you know things hurt just as bad in the VR? It's really realistic! They aren't kidding with that! Oh but it's nothing like...Iruma-chan's VR. You don't die from the shock. You get to live through the whole thing and remember it afterward~ Great, right?
[It's very clearly not great, and he doesn't actually think it is. He really doesn't.]
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[If Kokichi didn't know that, technically, all you needed was arousal for a square to count...]
Oma-kun-- [His voice is faint and though mostly piteous, there's a faint edge of incredulity to it. Because as bad as he feels for Kokichi, as terrible as what he went through clearly was...he agreed to it.] That's... Y-- Wh-why would--
[He's not entirely sure what to say to this. How could Kokichi do something so stupid? Even if he's reckless, he's smarter than this, Shuichi knows he is. But pointing that out would surely only make him feel worse and Shuichi just doesn't have the heart to do that.]
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I know-- [He knows what Shuichi's trying to say. The boy doesn't have to finish anything he tried to say, or even point out what he doesn't have the heart to, because it's something he's been beating himself up over already.]
This is why I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to tell you about anything, because everything is stupid and embarrassing and all my fault. I just wanted to get it out of the way, like ripping off a band-aid, I didn't want to sit here and keep dreading it, and there's no way I could do something like that to someone else so I thought--
[He had to take this chance. How many people would actually want to or be willing to do that? Even if it was horrible, even if it was reckless...but it doesn't really matter what he thought. It's already done, and now he's paying the price for it.
He shakes his head with a little whimper.]
I don't want to play anymore. If I do it with people I don't like, I feel gross and it hurts, but even when I do it with people I do like I just feel horrible and guilty and lonely afterward.
[Not just talking about Kaede here, either. Doing it with anyone when they aren't the person you love is incredibly lonely...]
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[He thought for sure that Kokichi had more sense than this. Even knowing that Kokichi had some truly terrible things on his card (though not nearly as many as he wanted them to believe), he hadn't been too worried about him. Because surely, surely, he would take a reasonable approach. Focus on ones that weren't so terrible until he could find someone he could trust enough to do some of the more hardcore ones with. Something along those lines.]
[It's heartbreaking, seeing him like this. This game was supposed to be better than the killing game. And yet...it seems to have broken him even worse. But maybe that makes sense too. Even if this game seems kinder on the surface, easier and more pleasant...in some ways, it's just as cruel as a game where you have to kill your friends to survive.]
[He doesn't try and take Kokichi's hand again. He's not sure if the leader would like that, given how he just pulled it away. But his voice is gentle when he speaks, soothing and reassuring without a hint of judgement. He still thinks this was incredibly stupid on Kokichi's part, but...everyone makes mistakes and this is clearly one Kokichi won't be making again.]
We were never sure if we could go back anyway, so...you were playing because you needed to support yourself, right? [Instinctively, he moves to try and take Kokichi's hand before remembering that he's not supposed to be doing that. He stops.] I'll do that for you, from now on. So you don't have to play anymore, okay? Not until you find someone who makes it fun and enjoyable for you.
[He's lucky enough to have someone he loves to play the game with. The only thing holding him back is his own embarrassment and he's already improving in that area. So this game is easy, for him. Easy and enjoyable.]
[ Plus, Kokichi was the one who helped him see the game in a different light, the one who encouraged him to pursue Kaede...the least he can do is support him for a while, right? That's what friends do.]
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Saihara-chan...thank you.
[He's incredibly grateful, and it's obvious in his voice. But after a moment, that last part hits him again, and he glances away with a shake of his head.]
I...it can only be for a little while, though. Not to be disrespectful or ungrateful, but...finding someone like that is impossible for me. So I won't make you support me forever. Just long enough so that I can learn how to deal with this on my own. But please...please give me that opportunity.
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You know what Momota-kun would say if he heard you say that, right?
[The impossible is possible! All you gotta do is make it so!]
[But Shuichi isn't Kaito, so he's not going to actually say it and open up that discussion. If he were talking to Maki, sure, but Kaito and Kokichi always had something of a...rocky relationship. But he'll mention it, just so Kokichi will maybe start thinking about it. So maybe he'll hear Kaito's voice the next time he thinks about how impossible it is for him to find love.]
[Because this may just be a situation where Kaito's crazy, nonsensical mantra actually works. Love is a weird and surprising thing. Anything is possible, with love.]
But take as long as you need, alright? Don't rush yourself on my behalf, it's not like I'm going anywhere.
[Or, more importantly, it's not like his situation as far as easily being able to fill squares is going to change any time soon. Unless Kaede decides to break up with him or something but he's pretty sure that won't happen at any point in the foreseeable future.]
[But reminding Kokichi of that would be extremely tactless, so he opts not to mention it.]
And if there's anything else I can do to help... Um. Well, you don't have to tell me, but... [He gestures vaguely. He clearly has something in mind, it's just not really translating from thought to words. He knows what he wants to say as a concept, not what he wants to say as an actual statement.] Do...whatever you need to do?
[Hopefully Kokichi will understand what he's trying to get at. If there's anything he can do to help, let him know without actually letting him know. If spending time talking will help, go for it. If you want to play a game with him, go for it. Stuff like that.]
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He doesn't want the other boy cornering him into a confession...
So he just offer him a short, somewhat dismissive hum in reply, focusing instead on what he says next.]
Thanks...again. I will.
[Really, he can't thank you enough...]
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Does that include getting me a soda if I ask~? Oh, what about taking a bath with me~ The public baths are really great, y'know? Have you tried them yet? I'll loan you my rubber ducky!
[He sure thinks that's what it means, falling back onto teasing the poor detective with a broad, though still tired grin.]
What if I ask you to be my getaway driver in a grand heist! Will you do that too?
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Uhm...well I can't drive, [Outside of a taxi in his mind, that is.] but...I can get you a soda or go to the baths with you, sure.
[Easy.]
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[But that, of course, is a joke.]
If we go to the baths, I'll make sure to think up some really fun games to play together! Oo, oo, wanna go now maybe? After a gross conversation like that, a hot bath or shower is just what a person needs, and I haven't showered yet today~
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Mmm...not right this second. There's still something I need to go look into, and you... [He gives him a slightly apologetic look.] there's another potentially gross conversation you need to have today.
[You know the one. Though, surely, it can't be as gross as this one was. He's pretty sure he and Kaede are on two different friendship levels as far as Kokichi is concerned. Either way, better to get all t he gross out of the way first, right?]
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Ah...do I have to? Won't it be awkward though? I mean...she's your girlfriend, I'm more into guys, I promised I would avoid topics like this with her...
[Yeah, it's obvious he knows he needs to talk to her, but he really doesn't want to...]
It'd just be uncomfortable all around, right?
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