diffidentive

[Oh, Kaede...what is he going to do with you? He gives her a little squeeze and rubs her upper arm, somewhat uncertainly.]

Um...do you want to talk about it or...do you just want to try and forget about it?

[What exactly do you want from him, he's having some trouble telling. Do you want to talk or do you just want him to hug you? He's flexible, he can do either.]

[She groans, that sound also muffled against his shoulder. She doesn't want to do either of those things? Maybe she'll just lay here and snuggle with him.

No, okay, she can't do that. But she can't just jump right into the nightmares, either, not without explaining that Kokichi was scolding her about it.]

Umm... have you thought at all about, um, filling squares with other people?

Mmm...not beyond what we talked about really. That it's kind of an eventuality if we ever want to complete a card. And that there's always a chance we might be forced to anyway.

[So...just the idea in general.]

But I haven't really thought about...actually doing it, no.

[Mostly because his only other friend is Kokichi and Kokichi isn't playing anymore. He needs to make more friends before he thinks about filling squares...one thing at a time, here.]

...why?

[Where are you going with this, Kaede, he's a little confused. How does this have anything to do with you saying something embarrassing?]

[She's TRYING to make friends for you, Shuichi!!]

Oh...

[Also great, now she kind of feels like garbage for the second time today?? Because here she is thinking about doing things with other friends, and Shuichi just... isn't. Kokichi's right, she really does take him for granted.]

W-well... I was talking to Rei-san, a little, and she said she'd be fine doing some squares with me if I ever wanted to. And I was thinking it might be kind of fun, so...

[She pushes herself up on one elbow to try to catch Shuichi's eye.]

Only if that's something you're really okay with, though. The way I feel about you is... a lot different from the way I feel about any of my friends. So your feelings are the most important to me!

[She doesn't have to try very hard. When she shifts positions, Shuichi turns his head and ends up looking her right in the eyes. It's hard to tell if that was intentional or if that's just naturally where his gaze fell but, either way, she has his attention. Eye contact and all.]

[He blinks a few times, then nods with a small smile.]

Mmm, and that's why it's okay. [Okay, truth be told though he is a little relieved to hear that she's still only thinking about the possibility of playing with other girls. If she'd asked another boy...kind of a different story. That would have stung a little bit.] Even if you complete some squares with your friends...I'm still the only person that you want to be intimate with without having the card involved, right? Plus, it's not like you have to have sex to complete a square. So it's okay. I trust you, and I'm pretty confident that your feelings for me won't change if you sometimes play with another person. I know mine won't, if and when I meet someone else I'd be comfortable playing with on occasion.

[Don't feel like garbage, Kaede. If he were more of a social butterfly like you, he probably WOULD have given it more thought by now. But he absolutely doesn't want to play with strangers, so...there's really nothing to think about at the moment.]

Edited 2018-02-27 02:32 (UTC)

[Oh... he met her eyes on all his own. It doesn't matter how many times it happens, it still gives her little butterflies in her stomach that he's able to do that.

And don't worry, Shuichi. No other boys yet. All her guy friends are gay??]

Thank you! [She sounds more relieved than anything, leaning in to gently press a kiss to his lips.] And... you're right. I know my feelings won't change at all. You're the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with so...

[Wow, that got embarrassing really quick. She nuzzles her nose against his shoulder again with a muffled noise before glancing up. Time to embarrass him in exchange!]

So... do you want to watch? Boys like that kind of thing, don't they?

[She's grinning, clearly teasing him to try to get over her own embarrassment.]

[Okay but he would be fine if she just continued to only befriend gay men. Not a single complaint would he make if that came to pass.]

[His own cheeks light up as she trails off. His hearing isn't quite as amazing as hers, of course, but he's able to pick up enough to figure out what she said. Wow.]

[That's. Really--]

U-um--! [You ruined the moment, Kaede. absolutely ruined it. Though that was probably the whole point, but still. Rude. His cheeks go from pink to bright red in a matter of seconds.] N-no, I...um. I don't think so.

[Okay, so maybe he IS a little tempted. The same way he'd been tempted to peep on the student council girls' pool party. But...no that would be. way too embarrassing, especially since he doesn't know Rei beyond what Kaede has told him about her.]

[She giggles at him, her own cheeks flushed pink at the admission that he absolutely has definitely forgotten about in the wake of her question. It's embarrassing, to be sure, but, well... they both have the voyeurism square, don't they? And why shouldn't they knock out one of his squares while she's doing her own!!

Not that she really wants Shuichi to see that until she knows what she's doing with another girl, she thinks.]

Okay... well let me know if you change your mind. It'll be a standing offer!

[Ugh...don't remind him about the voyeurism square. He knows he's going to have to do it eventually, and it's not even a particularly difficult square it's just...a really embarrassing thought. Having to watch or be watched...yeah he's putting that one off for a bit.]

R-right, okay...

[Another giggle, and she shifts on the bed to rest her cheek against his chest again. Comfy... it almost seems like she might be done talking for now, and might let him return to his book, but really, she's just trying to work up the courage. Listening to his heartbeat kind of helps, in a weird way.]

Mmm... that's not really the reason why I wanted to come over, though, [she says finally without looking up at him.]

[is it comforting even when it's beating faster from embarrassment? Because it is. Just a little bit. Though it falls back into a regular rhythm fairly quickly.]

[Mmm, yes. This IS comfy. The comfiest, even. He's positive he'll never get tired of cuddling with Kaede like this...]

Hm? [He shifts a little bit, looking down at her once more and expecting to meet her eyes again. Except...he doesn't. Which is slightly concerning behavior, coming from Kaede. Something is Wrong.] Erm...what was the actual reason, then?

[Not that she ever needs one, but...]

[She hums again, taking a deep breath as if to steel her resolve.]

It's... about the killing game. Do you still think about it...? Everything that happened to us, everything that happened to our friends...

I can't stop thinking about it. I'm trying, but it's really hard to move forward like this...

[...ah. Shuichi is silent for a moment, contemplating his answer. The question is simple enough, but the answer is...complicated.]

...I'll never forget everything we went through together and I don't want to. There are specific moments, both happy and painful, that I think back on sometimes. And I miss all our friends and want to see them again. [But that's probably not so surprising, given that Kaito's jacket is still hanging from the back of his door.] But...I don't really think about the killing game itself, no.

[He twirls the ends of Kaede's hair idly around his fingers.]

I guess I've sort of separated and compartmentalized things. That last trial was just...such bullshit; the whole game itself was such meaningless bullshit that I don't want to think about it anymore. And even if I wish things could have ended differently-- that we all could have made it out alive together-- I'm satisfied with the ending we chose. Satisfied enough that I feel like I can put the killing game behind me and move on.

[Plus, it helps that the only real regret he was left with was that he hadn't realized Kaede's plan sooner. But since Kaede is here with him, and alive...there's no reason to dwell on it.]

[Okay he's now making a mental note to let Kaede know that she needs to go with a colored wedding dress if they ever get married because Kokichi will probably throw paint on her or something if she wears a white one. He clearly has something devious in mind.]

I'm sure she would, [Kaede looks good in everything? She also looks good in nothing.] but I think she'd prefer to be the one in the dress. Call it a hunch.

[Kokichi, surely you know how much she likes clothes shopping. Haven't the two of you done that together a few times by now? There's way more selection with dresses than there are with suits.]

[How could you ruin his fun before it even had a chance to start? So cruel!]

I don't know. I bet I could pitch the idea to her.

[He gets up, standing on the floor beside the bed to stand as tall as he can, shoulders back, looking proud and refined.]

Tell her to imagine herself standing tall beside you, sharp suit fitted around her shoulders, tailored to her curves to give her a powerful look. Iiii'd make it white, probably, with pink accents. That would definitely be your guys' wedding color, pink. Not because of her, but just because it's pretty fitting. But anyway, imagine it! Precious stone cufflinks in a pink color, with a rose vest over a black button up, a sort of mauve or bubblegum colored tie underneath? Just enough to give it less of that stuffy traditional feel.

[And then he plays the part of the blushing bride, tucking some of his hair behind his ear while his other hand moves out as if he's holding a skirt.]

And her handsome, adorable Saihara-chan dressed up in lace! Just a sort of blush pink color, very light, very subdued. Sleeveless, but still collared so your chest and collarbones are covered, probably with a much thinner lace up top so your skin peeks through but of course something solid to cover your chest. You'd be waaaaayyy too shy to show that off, I bet. Long gloves though, with the fingers exposed so you can still appreciate the whole ring thing. Hmmmm...maybe a ballgown style skirt...I think you've probably got the hips and butt to pull off a mermaid style but that just doesn't really seem to be your style. At least not for something like a wedding. Maybe an evening or party dress though. But I bet she'd totally love it!

Especially when I bring up the veil, hiding those blushing cheeks of yours, and how shy and cute you'd be!

.....

[Holy fucking hell, Kokichi. In the few minutes it took you to come up with all that, you've already put more thought into Shuichi's hypothetical wedding than he has.]

[He glances over at the detective, tilting his head curiously as if to say, "What?" That lasts only a moment before his face splits into a grin and he jumps back onto the bed, once again claiming his lap with a round of laughing.]

Oh man you should see your face, Saihara-chan! You look like you actually believe that I've given your wedding any thought! All I did was describe a picture I'd seen in a magazine, you shouldn't take everything I say so seriously.

[That's a lie, but he doesn't need to admit to Shuichi that he's a bit of a hopeless romantic, and thinking about things like that is something he does on occasion...]

[She closes her eyes when he starts twirling her hair, comforted somewhat by the familiar gesture, but she still ends up making a little noise of discontent at his explanation. Because she isn't satisfied with it, because no matter how sure Shuichi is that they made the right choice, she can't help but think there had to have been another way. If she'd been there, maybe...

Maybe this is what Kokichi was talking about.]

I don't think I can do that, Shuichi-kun, [she says finally, opening her eyes again and looking up at him.] Or... I guess, I don't know how to do that, or if I even want to. Maybe if everybody else was here, it'd be easier, but without them...

[She shakes her head, what little she can without lifting her head much off his chest.]

I keep dreaming about it. What happened to me and everyone else.

[He looks neither surprised nor disappointed by Kaede's answer. It's obvious from the look on his face that that was more or less what he expected her to say.]

[He knows full well that what works for him won't work for the other two. Their positions are all fundamentally different. Shuichi got closure that the other two didn't. Closure that allowed him to say "fuck this shit, I'm out" and move on with his life.]

[He fully intended to explain this to her. To tell her that everything he'd said was meant to be an explanation, not a suggestion and that he'd help her find her own way of moving on...but all that is driven out of his head with that final admission. For a moment, he just stares at her dumbly. Because he's not stupid. He doesn't believe for a second that she's just having calm, normal dreams, the way her wording would suggest. She's having nightmares, same as Kokichi. She's been having nightmares, maybe this whole time and he...]

[He hadn't realized. Hadn't done anything to help her. And that realization hurts a little bit. Because he should have noticed, that's what boyfriends do, right?]

Is...is that why you've been coming to my room in the middle of the night?

[Why had he believed that it was just because she was lonely or missed him or wanted to surprise him when he woke up? Why hadn't he questioned it?]

O-oh... [He laughs in a nervously relieved sort of way.] Right...

[Of course it was a lie. Duh.]

You just...said it so convincingly...it really sounded like you were serious.

True, I did! Maybe I was lying just now, hm?

[Shuichi receives a mischievous smirk over the smaller boy's shoulder.]

Maybe I was dead serious about all that, and have even thought about other details for your wedding already! Maybe, deep down, I want to be a wedding planner when I grow up? Quit the hard life of being a super evil leader that controls the world and settle down into something just as hectic, but less malicious! Pursue my passion: planning special days for couples with no imagination that will likely divorce in a year!

[He kicks his feet idly behind him, careful not to kick either of them up far enough to reach the detective.]

Yes, serving lovesick, brainless morons who do nothing but scream at me all day because the tiniest detail that literally nobody else but them would notice is incorrect is definitely what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Sometimes, yeah...

[Sometimes it is because of what he thought it was?? And being lonely usually goes right along with the nightmares, so those two things kind of go together. But yeah, mostly it's because of the nightmares, and she winces and pushes herself up a little higher to meet his eyes.]

I didn't say anything because I didn't want to worry you. It's not because I didn't trust you or anything, it's just... I thought the dreams would go away on their own. You couldn't have known.

.....

[After a few moments, he shifts and rolls over onto his side. Sorry if you were enjoying using his chest as a pillow, Kaede, but he really wants to hold you more properly now. Just wrap both arms around you and pull you in tight.]

[What she's saying makes perfect sense, of course, but it's hard to shake the feeling that he did something wrong.]

[I wish you had told me...]

...does sleeping with me help at all?

[She squeaks with surprise when he tugs her in, but doesn't protest other than that, nestling her chin in his shoulder and wrapping an arm around him in return. She's not Takoma but she's trying, a little.]

It helps a lot, [she murmurs with a quiet exhale. Her arms squeeze him a little more tightly.] Just being able to hear your heartbeat... it's the most comforting rhythm I can imagine.

[And his breathing, and his warmth, and just being close to him... it all fills her with the kind of courage that's usually so easy.]

I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner...

[He is perfectly okay with the fact that she is not Takoma, because Takoma hugs are Too Much. This is just a nice, normal hug and that's perfect. He nuzzles the top of her head gently with his nose.]

It's okay.

[He gets why she didn't, even if he feels worse now than he would have if she'd told him from the start.]

[And he can't really blame her...talking about this sort of thing is hard, even if it's with somebody you're close to. Kokichi had hidden his nightmares for quite some time as well.]

Just...let me know from now on, okay? If there's anything else I can do to help...

[Suddenly, he thinks he understands why Kaede was so quick to consider moving in together.]

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