Shuichi "Beta-est of Betas" Saihara ✯ 最原 終一 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
diffidentive) wrote2017-11-13 11:58 am
diffidentive) wrote2017-11-13 11:58 am
Entry tags:
It's okay if the answer is no. I mean...if it's really that embarrassing, I can just...try to delete them without actually reading the messages.
[Keyword being "try" because sometimes this sci fi space tech is too much for Grandpa Saihara here.]
[Keyword being "try" because sometimes this sci fi space tech is too much for Grandpa Saihara here.]
[More embarrassed noises. Also no, she's pretty sure that deleting a text might be beyond him right now.]
Um... can I delete just one... you can look at the rest...
[She kind of wants to take the truth about Mozart to her grave tbh.]
Um... can I delete just one... you can look at the rest...
[She kind of wants to take the truth about Mozart to her grave tbh.]
[He'll get the hang of it someday!! He is trying his best.]
Mmhm, sure. [He stretches out his arm towards the bedside table, groping half-blindly for the watch. Because apparently this is easier than asking Kaede to let him up for a second.]
[Or just telling her to get it herself.]
Mmhm, sure. [He stretches out his arm towards the bedside table, groping half-blindly for the watch. Because apparently this is easier than asking Kaede to let him up for a second.]
[Or just telling her to get it herself.]
[Shuichi...]
H-hang on, I'll get it...
[She presses a quick kiss to his cheek and moves onto her knees, reaching to rescue his watch from getting knocked off the table and slipping it onto her own wrist. There's the stupid little imp in the corner, taunting her to send another message but-- no!! She has to just delete the one about Mozart!!
...okay, done! And while she's there, just going to add some cute heart and sparkle emoji near her name in his contact list.]
O-okay, here... you won't laugh?
[She holds out his watch, pouting at him.]
H-hang on, I'll get it...
[She presses a quick kiss to his cheek and moves onto her knees, reaching to rescue his watch from getting knocked off the table and slipping it onto her own wrist. There's the stupid little imp in the corner, taunting her to send another message but-- no!! She has to just delete the one about Mozart!!
...okay, done! And while she's there, just going to add some cute heart and sparkle emoji near her name in his contact list.]
O-okay, here... you won't laugh?
[She holds out his watch, pouting at him.]
[After the whole stupid cupid thing, he's had lots of time to think. Be annoyed with himself for going through with it, thinking that he could stop himself from telling the truth. Be irritated with some of the conversations, delighted by some of the others, but there were two in specific that kept coming to mind. One of them - the one with Mikan - wasn't so bad. It was almost nice, being honest about his feelings for Shuichi, but part of him still regretted it. Still wished he could have kept that to himself.
The other one...was the one with Kaede. And while a small part of him still stands by his words, tells him he shouldn't regret saying any of that because Kaede needs to change, most of him...really hates himself for it. Really wishes he could just shut up for once, stop caring about how he feels in regards to them - Shuichi especially - and keep his nose out of it. He planned to, but it shouldn't have been after making such a mistake like that. He should have done that from the start. He shouldn't have said anything at all, because it's not like he has room to talk. He's worse than her, after all...he's terrible. He's a monster. He didn't just hurt Shuichi, he hurt everyone, but the detective was still part of that. Whether it was worse for him or not is hard to really know...but it didn't matter. He had certainly hurt him far worse than she had.
And he just made himself sick, thinking about it. Admitting it all to her like that, really facing what he did like that, comparing it to her...why do either of them still want to associate with him...
And the more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt. And he didn't deal with guilt well. It's not like he's ever had a reason to feel this guilty before? He's felt bad when his plans got some of his subordinates hurt before, or when he'd said something that had actually hurt their feelings or something, but....those were nothing like this. Nothing like what he'd done in the game. And it was all easily smoothed over. He could actually do things to make it up to them. Take care of them and their wounds, get them stuff that would make them smile, spend time with them to cheer them up...
Things like that...well. He can't even do that with anyone that he'd killed (he'd killed them, not hurt them, killed them), and would any of that even be enough anyway? Would apologies be enough? He doesn't even feel like his apology to Shuichi was adequate enough now. He hadn't even actually apologized for anything! He'd listed off a couple things - the larger things - and then copped out with, "oh I could list the rest if you want"! What the hell was that? What the hell kind of coward is he? Oma Kokichi, Super High School Level Supreme Leader, was no coward, and yet...that's all he gave Shuichi. The boy he supposedly loved so, so much. Who was supposedly so, so dear to him. That's all he gave him for the monstrous, awful things he did.
And here he was now, curled in his cabin for days, ignoring his communicator, ignoring his hunger, ignoring his everything just because he felt awful and was scared to face him. He couldn't even be honest when Shuichi had come to check up on him, and that of course only made him feel worse. Why had he? Surely Kaede talked to him, even if she didn't bring up her nightmares. Why wouldn't she? So he had to have known that he had been mean and heartless to her, that he'd told her about all the terrible things he did in the killing game...he doesn't deserve the detective worrying or caring about him...and he hates that the only thing he can do to try and change that is just. Apologize. All he can give him are words, which don't even mean anything from a liar like him.
But he'll do it anyway, because there's nothing else he can do. He knows sitting there and clawing and chipping away at himself for it won't ever make anything better and, worse, would just soak up more of that worry and care that Shuichi shouldn't be giving him in the first place. So eventually he pulls himself out of bed and showers - the first shower he's had in days - and gets dressed. His stomach's still in knots, so he skips getting anything to eat and just heads over to the detective's cabin.
There's a click of the door unlocking to let the other boy know someone's there, but whoever it is doesn't enter immediately. There's actually a lengthy pause, like maybe they've changed their mind, followed by a soft knock and an even softer voice. Not his volume, but the tone itself.]
Saihara-chan...? Are you home? And...is Akamatsu-chan there...?
The other one...was the one with Kaede. And while a small part of him still stands by his words, tells him he shouldn't regret saying any of that because Kaede needs to change, most of him...really hates himself for it. Really wishes he could just shut up for once, stop caring about how he feels in regards to them - Shuichi especially - and keep his nose out of it. He planned to, but it shouldn't have been after making such a mistake like that. He should have done that from the start. He shouldn't have said anything at all, because it's not like he has room to talk. He's worse than her, after all...he's terrible. He's a monster. He didn't just hurt Shuichi, he hurt everyone, but the detective was still part of that. Whether it was worse for him or not is hard to really know...but it didn't matter. He had certainly hurt him far worse than she had.
And he just made himself sick, thinking about it. Admitting it all to her like that, really facing what he did like that, comparing it to her...why do either of them still want to associate with him...
And the more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt. And he didn't deal with guilt well. It's not like he's ever had a reason to feel this guilty before? He's felt bad when his plans got some of his subordinates hurt before, or when he'd said something that had actually hurt their feelings or something, but....those were nothing like this. Nothing like what he'd done in the game. And it was all easily smoothed over. He could actually do things to make it up to them. Take care of them and their wounds, get them stuff that would make them smile, spend time with them to cheer them up...
Things like that...well. He can't even do that with anyone that he'd killed (he'd killed them, not hurt them, killed them), and would any of that even be enough anyway? Would apologies be enough? He doesn't even feel like his apology to Shuichi was adequate enough now. He hadn't even actually apologized for anything! He'd listed off a couple things - the larger things - and then copped out with, "oh I could list the rest if you want"! What the hell was that? What the hell kind of coward is he? Oma Kokichi, Super High School Level Supreme Leader, was no coward, and yet...that's all he gave Shuichi. The boy he supposedly loved so, so much. Who was supposedly so, so dear to him. That's all he gave him for the monstrous, awful things he did.
And here he was now, curled in his cabin for days, ignoring his communicator, ignoring his hunger, ignoring his everything just because he felt awful and was scared to face him. He couldn't even be honest when Shuichi had come to check up on him, and that of course only made him feel worse. Why had he? Surely Kaede talked to him, even if she didn't bring up her nightmares. Why wouldn't she? So he had to have known that he had been mean and heartless to her, that he'd told her about all the terrible things he did in the killing game...he doesn't deserve the detective worrying or caring about him...and he hates that the only thing he can do to try and change that is just. Apologize. All he can give him are words, which don't even mean anything from a liar like him.
But he'll do it anyway, because there's nothing else he can do. He knows sitting there and clawing and chipping away at himself for it won't ever make anything better and, worse, would just soak up more of that worry and care that Shuichi shouldn't be giving him in the first place. So eventually he pulls himself out of bed and showers - the first shower he's had in days - and gets dressed. His stomach's still in knots, so he skips getting anything to eat and just heads over to the detective's cabin.
There's a click of the door unlocking to let the other boy know someone's there, but whoever it is doesn't enter immediately. There's actually a lengthy pause, like maybe they've changed their mind, followed by a soft knock and an even softer voice. Not his volume, but the tone itself.]
Saihara-chan...? Are you home? And...is Akamatsu-chan there...?
Edited 2018-03-04 15:56 (UTC)
[It wouldn't be the first time someone has decided to add something extra to his communicator settings without asking. He won't even bother changing it back, honestly.]
I won't laugh.
[He's going to try his very hardest to stick to that. Though he is admittedly a little worried since he has NO IDEA what he's about to see. He's confident in his ability not to laugh at her for whatever confessions she felt the need to make, but what if her wording is just funny in general??]
[He takes the watch and slips it on his wrist, and immediately brings up his missed messages. Oh, wow, yeah, she's right. That weird little imp really DOES have some kind of...oddly coercive ability. He's just going to ignore that as best he can...the only really dark secret he's keeping is one he can't afford to share, especially not with Kaede. Okay, let's see now...]
[Okay, well the thing about his eyelashes doesn't come as much of a surprise. After all, she'd brought them up to Mikan during their introduction. his butt, though...that's more unexpected and embarrassing enough to make the color rise in his cheeks again.]
[But, still, it's nothing that really tempts him to laugh, so...moving on--]
[Oh my god what is that emoji?]
[The corners of his mouth twitch in spite of himself because that is quite possibly the most ridiculous emoji she's ever sent him. But he doesn't laugh, as much as that crooked triangle mouth tries to tempt him into doing so.]
Uhm...
[Hm. He closes up the messaging program and takes his communicator off again, tossing it back onto the bedside table. His cheeks are still flushed, but he doesn't seem too flustered, at least. He can still talk.]
So...do you...actually want me to answer either of those or...
[Should he just pretend he didn't read them?]
I won't laugh.
[He's going to try his very hardest to stick to that. Though he is admittedly a little worried since he has NO IDEA what he's about to see. He's confident in his ability not to laugh at her for whatever confessions she felt the need to make, but what if her wording is just funny in general??]
[He takes the watch and slips it on his wrist, and immediately brings up his missed messages. Oh, wow, yeah, she's right. That weird little imp really DOES have some kind of...oddly coercive ability. He's just going to ignore that as best he can...the only really dark secret he's keeping is one he can't afford to share, especially not with Kaede. Okay, let's see now...]
[Okay, well the thing about his eyelashes doesn't come as much of a surprise. After all, she'd brought them up to Mikan during their introduction. his butt, though...that's more unexpected and embarrassing enough to make the color rise in his cheeks again.]
[But, still, it's nothing that really tempts him to laugh, so...moving on--]
[Oh my god what is that emoji?]
[The corners of his mouth twitch in spite of himself because that is quite possibly the most ridiculous emoji she's ever sent him. But he doesn't laugh, as much as that crooked triangle mouth tries to tempt him into doing so.]
Uhm...
[Hm. He closes up the messaging program and takes his communicator off again, tossing it back onto the bedside table. His cheeks are still flushed, but he doesn't seem too flustered, at least. He can still talk.]
So...do you...actually want me to answer either of those or...
[Should he just pretend he didn't read them?]
[There's a warning, pouting noise when the corners of his lips twitch, because don't you dare laugh mister. But he doesn't, and she relaxes a little, though she's still watching his face a little anxiously. Sure, the squats question is one thing, but what about the lingerie??]
U-Ummm... if you want to.
U-Ummm... if you want to.
......
[Okay, apparently he needs a few more seconds, please hold...]
...I think you would look good in any of those colors.
[Apparently that's easier to answer than the squats question. Incredible.]
[Okay, apparently he needs a few more seconds, please hold...]
...I think you would look good in any of those colors.
[Apparently that's easier to answer than the squats question. Incredible.]
[...That's the one he answered first?!]
O-oh, that doesn't really narrow it down, then.
Maybe... you can come with me to pick some out?
[Embarrassing, but. It sounds really fun.]
O-oh, that doesn't really narrow it down, then.
Maybe... you can come with me to pick some out?
[Embarrassing, but. It sounds really fun.]
[Kaede did you seriously just suggest that Shuichi accompany you into a lingerie shop and help you pick out sexy panties?]
[Shuichi.]
A-ah, um--!
[Okay, he actually answered this one first because he expected "you would look good in any of those colors" to be the end of the conversation. Squats, on the other hand, means explaining training.]
M-maybe??
[No. No he can't do that. Maybe one day but not now.]
[Shuichi.]
A-ah, um--!
[Okay, he actually answered this one first because he expected "you would look good in any of those colors" to be the end of the conversation. Squats, on the other hand, means explaining training.]
M-maybe??
[No. No he can't do that. Maybe one day but not now.]
C'mon, it would be really fun!
[Now that the idea is out in the open, she's a little more enthusiastic about it, giving him a bright smile.]
I'd really like to wear stuff that you picked out for me, Shuichi-kun.
[Now that the idea is out in the open, she's a little more enthusiastic about it, giving him a bright smile.]
I'd really like to wear stuff that you picked out for me, Shuichi-kun.
Edited 2018-03-04 00:40 (UTC)
[It's not exactly unusual to go a few days without seeing Kokichi, so Shuichi honestly doesn't think much of his absence. He'd seemed fine when he'd gone to check on him...or fine enough, at least. He wasn't having a meltdown over being forced to tell the truth, as Shuichi had feared. But still, he can't have enjoyed the experience, so Shuichi wouldn't be surprised if the leader had holed himself up in the arcade again for a round or two of binge gaming to cheer himself up.]
[Or, perhaps he was out seeking revenge on whoever was responsible for that glitch. Either way, the detective didn't see a reason to be overly worried.]
[Clearly, he'd been mistaken in that assumption.]
[Because for Kokichi to knock, rather than just come barging in; for him to speak in such a soft tone, rather than his usual carefree one...something must be wrong.]
[Shuichi is in the living area of his cabin, table pushed out of the way so that he can lie down on the floor and...do sit ups, apparently. That's really the only explanation for the position he's in when Kokichi opens the door. He's had to adjust his training schedule since coming here, with so many nights spent in Kaede's company. Now he just kind of does it...whenever he has time during the day, rather than waiting until nightfall.]
[After a moment of staring at the door in surprise, Shuichi gets to his feet, looking at the smaller boy in his doorway with an expression of concern. He's dressed in a t-shirt, shorts, and socks, and unless Kaede is in the bathroom, a single glance around the tiny cabin should be enough to answer Kokichi's question. She's not here.]
No, she's not...why? Did you need to talk to her? Is something wrong?
[He's pretty sure the answer to that is yes, just judging by Kokichi's tone but the question is out of his mouth before he can stop himself.]
[Or, perhaps he was out seeking revenge on whoever was responsible for that glitch. Either way, the detective didn't see a reason to be overly worried.]
[Clearly, he'd been mistaken in that assumption.]
[Because for Kokichi to knock, rather than just come barging in; for him to speak in such a soft tone, rather than his usual carefree one...something must be wrong.]
[Shuichi is in the living area of his cabin, table pushed out of the way so that he can lie down on the floor and...do sit ups, apparently. That's really the only explanation for the position he's in when Kokichi opens the door. He's had to adjust his training schedule since coming here, with so many nights spent in Kaede's company. Now he just kind of does it...whenever he has time during the day, rather than waiting until nightfall.]
[After a moment of staring at the door in surprise, Shuichi gets to his feet, looking at the smaller boy in his doorway with an expression of concern. He's dressed in a t-shirt, shorts, and socks, and unless Kaede is in the bathroom, a single glance around the tiny cabin should be enough to answer Kokichi's question. She's not here.]
No, she's not...why? Did you need to talk to her? Is something wrong?
[He's pretty sure the answer to that is yes, just judging by Kokichi's tone but the question is out of his mouth before he can stop himself.]
[He does look around the cabin once he's able to, almost nervously, expecting her to be on the couch or sitting on the bed or something...but he's relieved when he doesn't see her, and even more so when Shuichi confirms that she's not there. There's a shake of his head.]
No I...wanted to talk to you. Preferably alone, so...
[So that's why he was wondering if she's here.]
Can I come in?
[He at least doesn't look too terrible. Though he doesn't look great either. While it's definitely nothing compared to those dark rings from before they'd learned about his nightmares, he does seem to be suffering from a little lack of sleep. Then again, binge gaming at the arcade always results in that, because he...will play games for days straight with no sleep. Because what is taking care of yourself? But beyond that, he's not even bothering trying to hide behind his usual smile. He looks tired and wrung out, and that is something that should be concerning.]
No I...wanted to talk to you. Preferably alone, so...
[So that's why he was wondering if she's here.]
Can I come in?
[He at least doesn't look too terrible. Though he doesn't look great either. While it's definitely nothing compared to those dark rings from before they'd learned about his nightmares, he does seem to be suffering from a little lack of sleep. Then again, binge gaming at the arcade always results in that, because he...will play games for days straight with no sleep. Because what is taking care of yourself? But beyond that, he's not even bothering trying to hide behind his usual smile. He looks tired and wrung out, and that is something that should be concerning.]
[And now he's asking to come in? Wow. Something really is wrong.]
[Shuichi nods and gestures to the couch before moving to take a seat at one end himself. Come in, make yourself at home, have a seat.]
[Shuichi nods and gestures to the couch before moving to take a seat at one end himself. Come in, make yourself at home, have a seat.]
[He wanders inside, closing the door behind him before moving to sit on the opposite end of the couch. At first he doesn't actually say anything, eyes down on his hands as they fidget with the edge of his hoodie. He's trying to figure out how to start this...despite all of his practicing and going over what he wanted to say in his head, he's lost on what he should say. But he's not going to back out of it. He's here, and if he doesn't say anything it'll just keep hurting...so he takes a deep breath.]
...Saihara-chan, I...wanted to apologize for everything. Everything. I know I already apologized for some things but that was such a cheap and cowardly apology. I should have given you a better one, so I'm...sorry for that, first. And. And I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused. For not cooperating, for meddling so much, for laughing at everything...I shouldn't have done any of that. I should have-- [He pauses, struggling a little with getting the next part out. He knows he was doing what he could to survive, and that he hadn't brushed the whole thing off completely, at least not in secret, but...] I should have taken it more seriously. I'm sorry I made fun of everything, I'm sorry I laughed at...a-at...at Gonta and Iruma-chan's deaths, at making him chase and catch all of you, at the trials, at everything.
And I'm sorry I was so antagonistic in trials. I'm sorry I didn't just tell you all about Iruma-chan's plans, and that I insulted so many of you and couldn't play nice. K-Keebo too. I don't like him, but I didn't have to say everything that I did. A-and I'm sorry for kidnapping Momota-chan, and for making that stupid plan up at all, and forcing Harukawa-chan to do what she did. I should have just...killed Momota-chan myself, I should have gone to the trial and died that way, I should have known my plan wouldn't work like that--I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't. I'm sorry that there's still a part of me who thinks I did what I had to, that I'm not wrong...
[By now he's started crying, and it's nothing like the previous apology. It's not quiet tears that he can wipe away and get over quickly. While he's not sobbing, the strain is in his voice, and even when he wipes his face, more tears just follow in their place. All of this has been killing him, just eating him up inside, the guilt just so heavy and hard to carry...]
I-I hurt everyone so much, and I'm. I'm so sorry I did. I never...ever wanted to hurt anyone. I really didn't. I just didn't know what else to do, and I got mad and frustrated and jealous and. And I was already so far in my stupid plans. And none of that is an excuse, and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for...for the way I am. I'm sorry for being such...s-such an...a-an awful person. Someone who doesn't deserve to be around you or a-anyone else. Mean and terrible and a liar and a killer a-and--
[And if there's anything that's supposed to come after that, he can't get it out. He just...breaks, a choked and vocal sob finally leaving him. His hands lift up to cover his face, the leader curling up as much as he can when sitting criss cross on the couch, crying hard and openly. He doesn't know what else to do, and he hates that. There's more he should say, more he should apologize for, more he should do instead of just crying like a baby like this, but his vocal chords won't work anymore...he's sorry for that, too.]
...Saihara-chan, I...wanted to apologize for everything. Everything. I know I already apologized for some things but that was such a cheap and cowardly apology. I should have given you a better one, so I'm...sorry for that, first. And. And I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused. For not cooperating, for meddling so much, for laughing at everything...I shouldn't have done any of that. I should have-- [He pauses, struggling a little with getting the next part out. He knows he was doing what he could to survive, and that he hadn't brushed the whole thing off completely, at least not in secret, but...] I should have taken it more seriously. I'm sorry I made fun of everything, I'm sorry I laughed at...a-at...at Gonta and Iruma-chan's deaths, at making him chase and catch all of you, at the trials, at everything.
And I'm sorry I was so antagonistic in trials. I'm sorry I didn't just tell you all about Iruma-chan's plans, and that I insulted so many of you and couldn't play nice. K-Keebo too. I don't like him, but I didn't have to say everything that I did. A-and I'm sorry for kidnapping Momota-chan, and for making that stupid plan up at all, and forcing Harukawa-chan to do what she did. I should have just...killed Momota-chan myself, I should have gone to the trial and died that way, I should have known my plan wouldn't work like that--I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't. I'm sorry that there's still a part of me who thinks I did what I had to, that I'm not wrong...
[By now he's started crying, and it's nothing like the previous apology. It's not quiet tears that he can wipe away and get over quickly. While he's not sobbing, the strain is in his voice, and even when he wipes his face, more tears just follow in their place. All of this has been killing him, just eating him up inside, the guilt just so heavy and hard to carry...]
I-I hurt everyone so much, and I'm. I'm so sorry I did. I never...ever wanted to hurt anyone. I really didn't. I just didn't know what else to do, and I got mad and frustrated and jealous and. And I was already so far in my stupid plans. And none of that is an excuse, and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for...for the way I am. I'm sorry for being such...s-such an...a-an awful person. Someone who doesn't deserve to be around you or a-anyone else. Mean and terrible and a liar and a killer a-and--
[And if there's anything that's supposed to come after that, he can't get it out. He just...breaks, a choked and vocal sob finally leaving him. His hands lift up to cover his face, the leader curling up as much as he can when sitting criss cross on the couch, crying hard and openly. He doesn't know what else to do, and he hates that. There's more he should say, more he should apologize for, more he should do instead of just crying like a baby like this, but his vocal chords won't work anymore...he's sorry for that, too.]
[Holy shit.]
[Okay, so...clearly his theory that Kokichi had been blowing off steam in the arcade the past few days was way off. Has he been stewing in his room the whole time? For what reason? What brought all this up again?]
[Sure, his initial apology hadn't gone into detail but...it was okay? He was sincere, and that mattered more than the words. Shuichi had accepted it, even if he couldn't totally forgive everything that Kokichi did. He'd accepted it and they'd moved on to try and repair the friendship that had both started and been destroyed because of the killing game. That was supposed to be the end of it. So why now, of all times...]
[All Shuichi can do is watch and listen, helplessly, wondering if he should stop the other boy or let him keep going. It's neither easy nor pleasant to watch someone have a breakdown, even if that someone is Kokichi Oma. Even once the leader loses his composure so completely that he can't keep his own apology going, Shuichi still doesn't know what to say.]
[So, instead, he gets to his feet, quickly crosses the room and disappears into the bathroom, reappearing moments later with a box of tissues in hand. This time, he takes a seat right next to Kokichi, curling one leg underneath his body so that he can turn to face the smaller boy and place the box in his own lap for now.]
Shhh, Oma-kun... [Here, move your hands...he has a tissue and he's pretty sure those are more absorbent than fingers.] It's okay...
[Okay, well...no, the stuff he did in the killing game STILL isn't okay, and never will be but...he didn't need to apologize again. So, right here, right now...things are okay. Or they can be, if Kokichi can calm back down enough to talk things through.]
[Okay, so...clearly his theory that Kokichi had been blowing off steam in the arcade the past few days was way off. Has he been stewing in his room the whole time? For what reason? What brought all this up again?]
[Sure, his initial apology hadn't gone into detail but...it was okay? He was sincere, and that mattered more than the words. Shuichi had accepted it, even if he couldn't totally forgive everything that Kokichi did. He'd accepted it and they'd moved on to try and repair the friendship that had both started and been destroyed because of the killing game. That was supposed to be the end of it. So why now, of all times...]
[All Shuichi can do is watch and listen, helplessly, wondering if he should stop the other boy or let him keep going. It's neither easy nor pleasant to watch someone have a breakdown, even if that someone is Kokichi Oma. Even once the leader loses his composure so completely that he can't keep his own apology going, Shuichi still doesn't know what to say.]
[So, instead, he gets to his feet, quickly crosses the room and disappears into the bathroom, reappearing moments later with a box of tissues in hand. This time, he takes a seat right next to Kokichi, curling one leg underneath his body so that he can turn to face the smaller boy and place the box in his own lap for now.]
Shhh, Oma-kun... [Here, move your hands...he has a tissue and he's pretty sure those are more absorbent than fingers.] It's okay...
[Okay, well...no, the stuff he did in the killing game STILL isn't okay, and never will be but...he didn't need to apologize again. So, right here, right now...things are okay. Or they can be, if Kokichi can calm back down enough to talk things through.]
Edited 2018-03-04 19:21 (UTC)
[Sitting and stewing in his room is exactly what he's been doing. There are a few more stuttered "sorry"s as he drops his hands, fingers curling around his shin and gripping it tight. You'll...have to give him the tissue, he doesn't really know that you have those. His head is ducked still, eyes squeezed shut as he tries and fails to stop crying.]
I-it's not... [He manages to whimper that out, shaking his head a little. It's not okay...how can you just say that it is?]
I-it's not... [He manages to whimper that out, shaking his head a little. It's not okay...how can you just say that it is?]
[Luckily for Kokichi, Shuichi had a feeling he was going to have to wipe his eyes for him, at least at first. So once his hands are out of the way, the detective starts trying to tissue them dry as best he can with Kokichi curled up the way he is.]
What you did during the killing game isn't, but...you don't have to keep apologizing for it. Not to me. [Whether he has to keep apologizing to the others...that's for each of them to decide if and when they ever come here.] My answer from last time still hasn't changed, so...yes, it is okay. Once was enough...
[He still accepts your apology, that hasn't changed. And the only way it will is if you give him a reason to believe that you didn't actually mean it.]
What you did during the killing game isn't, but...you don't have to keep apologizing for it. Not to me. [Whether he has to keep apologizing to the others...that's for each of them to decide if and when they ever come here.] My answer from last time still hasn't changed, so...yes, it is okay. Once was enough...
[He still accepts your apology, that hasn't changed. And the only way it will is if you give him a reason to believe that you didn't actually mean it.]
S...S-Saihara-chan... [Does hearing that hurt or help him? It's hard to tell from the sound of his voice, thick with pain and grief. He just...it's so hard for him to accept that it's okay. He can't accept it himself, can't even try and forgive himself, so how can anyone else? How can Shuichi?
He lifts his head enough to make it easier to dry his eyes for him, but isn't looking at the detective. Even when he does eventually open his eyes, they're turned away from him, unable to bring himself to look at his friend...he doesn't know what to say.]
...I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
[So he just apologizes again.]
He lifts his head enough to make it easier to dry his eyes for him, but isn't looking at the detective. Even when he does eventually open his eyes, they're turned away from him, unable to bring himself to look at his friend...he doesn't know what to say.]
...I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
[So he just apologizes again.]
I know you are... [Well at least he's looking up now, even if he's not actually looking at Shuichi himself. That makes it easier to try and dry his eyes, though he has to get a second tissue now.] You did a lot of really awful things, but...that doesn't make you an awful person. It's the killing game that drove you to do those things...that's what's really awful.
[He continues drying Kokichi's eyes, even if he still won't look at him.]
That situation was just so horrible and so beyond what any person should ever have to go through that it's not fair to judge you based solely on the decisions you made during it. You and everyone else who was forced to play. [tsumugis georg is an outlier and shouldn't be counted.] You weren't the only one who made bad choices because it's what you thought you had to do, even if you...admittedly made the most.
[He's not going to pretend you didn't just to try and make you feel better, sorry. He pulls out another tissue and holds it up to Kokichi's nose.]
Blow.
[Get some of that snot out before he continues. Because he has more he can say if you still don't believe him.]
[He continues drying Kokichi's eyes, even if he still won't look at him.]
That situation was just so horrible and so beyond what any person should ever have to go through that it's not fair to judge you based solely on the decisions you made during it. You and everyone else who was forced to play. [tsumugis georg is an outlier and shouldn't be counted.] You weren't the only one who made bad choices because it's what you thought you had to do, even if you...admittedly made the most.
[He's not going to pretend you didn't just to try and make you feel better, sorry. He pulls out another tissue and holds it up to Kokichi's nose.]
Blow.
[Get some of that snot out before he continues. Because he has more he can say if you still don't believe him.]
[Oh my god, you can't tell him something like that while ALSO looking at him like that!! You're going to kill this poor boy.]
[Shuichi brings both hands up to cover his face, though he's blushing so badly now that it's even reached his ears so that maybe doesn't have as much of an effect as he was hoping for.]
...okay.
[Only it's...muffled by his hands so it really doesn't come out clearly at all but Kaede's sharp ears should be able to pick the word out.]
[Shuichi brings both hands up to cover his face, though he's blushing so badly now that it's even reached his ears so that maybe doesn't have as much of an effect as he was hoping for.]
...okay.
[Only it's...muffled by his hands so it really doesn't come out clearly at all but Kaede's sharp ears should be able to pick the word out.]
[Kaede the Friendly Bully strikes again. She giggles and leans in, wrapping her arms around him again for a tight hug.]
Thank you! It'll be really fun, I'm sure of it.
Thank you! It'll be really fun, I'm sure of it.
[It's okay, he wouldn't want you to pretend something like that. Even if he whimpers a little when it's pointed out, shoulders hunching some. He blows like he's told to, hanging his head just a little more afterward. Both because he...is having a hard time believing him. Or not believing him, but more accepting what he's saying as true. But also because he's...really pathetic. Needing Shuichi to dry his eyes and help him blow his nose...but he doesn't stop him either, because it's nice. It's nice, getting this kind of attention from someone...gives him this tiny, minuscule little happy feeling deep down, under all of the awful feelings he's struggling with right now. And isn't that kind of pathetic too?]
Edited 2018-03-04 22:21 (UTC)
[Yeah, it's a little pathetic but it's Shuichi. It's not like he can judge, he's pretty pathetic in general.]
[Though, okay, eventually you are going to have to start drying your own eyes and blowing your own nose, buddy. He's not going to keep this up the whole time because you're not actually five.]
But that's all over now. I'm not saying you should forget everything that happened, or even that you have to forgive yourself for what you did but...you don't have to keep beating yourself up like this. You know what you did wrong, you clearly regret it, and you're learning from it, right? You're trying not to be that person anymore. That's all anyone can do, Oma-kun.
[Though, okay, eventually you are going to have to start drying your own eyes and blowing your own nose, buddy. He's not going to keep this up the whole time because you're not actually five.]
But that's all over now. I'm not saying you should forget everything that happened, or even that you have to forgive yourself for what you did but...you don't have to keep beating yourself up like this. You know what you did wrong, you clearly regret it, and you're learning from it, right? You're trying not to be that person anymore. That's all anyone can do, Oma-kun.
Edited 2018-03-04 22:45 (UTC)
[He manages a soft, stuttered hum in reply, but...clearly isn't fully convinced by that. Or by something, at least. But listening to the detective talk and having him take care of him like that for a little bit at least was able to calm his sobbing down to just silent tears. And after a few moments he reaches out for a tissue of his own, needing to blow his nose again.]
I...don't know what else to do, Saihara-chan. I don't know what to do with myself...
[This is why he's still apologizing, and feels like he needs to even more. Even though Shuichi said it was okay...
Finally he looks up at his friend, rubbing at one of his eyes a little to dry it again as he continues talking.]
I've never...done anything like that before. Something so unforgivable. I can't stand myself anymore, Saihara-chan. I keep...I keep wanting to lie, to tell myself that that wasn't me. It was a clone, or an evil twin, or me from the mirrorverse. Something else. Someone else...that I didn't do anything like that. That I'm not a monster or a villain or anything but...
[Again he glances down towards his lap, a fresh wave of tears spilling down his cheeks.]
I can't. And it hurts so much. I've never, ever felt like this before. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be awake but I just have nightmares about everything when I sleep. Everyone dying, everyone reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and nobody wants me around, that it's all my fault. D.I.C.E. will be so disappointed, they'll feel so betrayed. They won't want me as their leader or even their friend anymore. Everyone else will hate me, and won't want to be around me, if they don't already. I'll have you and Akamatsu-chan but I don't even deserve that. B-but I don't want to be alone, either. I should be alone, I deserve to be, but I'm selfish and I don't want that.
[Taking another tissue, Kokichi draws his knees up to his chest, sniffling and hiccuping as he works on his cheeks and eyes.]
Why am I even here...I don't deserve this. Why couldn't it have been someone else? I'm...I'm sorry it was me. I know you said not to apologize but I don't know what else to do or say or anything so I'm sorry.
I...don't know what else to do, Saihara-chan. I don't know what to do with myself...
[This is why he's still apologizing, and feels like he needs to even more. Even though Shuichi said it was okay...
Finally he looks up at his friend, rubbing at one of his eyes a little to dry it again as he continues talking.]
I've never...done anything like that before. Something so unforgivable. I can't stand myself anymore, Saihara-chan. I keep...I keep wanting to lie, to tell myself that that wasn't me. It was a clone, or an evil twin, or me from the mirrorverse. Something else. Someone else...that I didn't do anything like that. That I'm not a monster or a villain or anything but...
[Again he glances down towards his lap, a fresh wave of tears spilling down his cheeks.]
I can't. And it hurts so much. I've never, ever felt like this before. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I don't want to eat, I don't want to be awake but I just have nightmares about everything when I sleep. Everyone dying, everyone reminding me that I'm a piece of shit and nobody wants me around, that it's all my fault. D.I.C.E. will be so disappointed, they'll feel so betrayed. They won't want me as their leader or even their friend anymore. Everyone else will hate me, and won't want to be around me, if they don't already. I'll have you and Akamatsu-chan but I don't even deserve that. B-but I don't want to be alone, either. I should be alone, I deserve to be, but I'm selfish and I don't want that.
[Taking another tissue, Kokichi draws his knees up to his chest, sniffling and hiccuping as he works on his cheeks and eyes.]
Why am I even here...I don't deserve this. Why couldn't it have been someone else? I'm...I'm sorry it was me. I know you said not to apologize but I don't know what else to do or say or anything so I'm sorry.
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